Merry Christmas or Else
My name is Dwight and I am autistic. I am not the smart autistic, I am the other one. I can't do anything right and I need my family to keep me out of trouble. But I love trouble, and I have bad impulse control. Luckily my impulses are usually good or at worst playful. I love kids even more than I love trouble. I want to do something for kids.
I've decided I'm going to dress up as Santa Claus, go down people's chimneys and leave toys for kids. I'm smart enough to know the parents aren't going to like this so I'll have to be careful. I'll have to try to be careful. I'll try to try to be careful.
It was the worst thing in the world for me when I found out Santa wasn't real. I believed in him up until last year when I got in a fight with my brother and he told me. It was the worst thing he could have done to me but I still love him.
First part of operation Santa is to find out what the kids want. I think I'll break into all the mailboxes and find the letters to Santa, buy the toys they want and follow the return address to the house. Pretty clever, right?
So I do that, then the next couple of days I go out looking for presents. I also buy a ladder and a rope to get in the chimneys. Luckily my parents are rich. They don't trust me with the money but mommy also doesn't guard her purse and I know which ones are the credit cards.
I get my brother to get me a gun. He agreed, which was pretty irresponsible. He said "I hope you kill yourself with it." He's always the joker. I laughed and said "No, no..."
I go up onto my first roof with my ladder and down my first chimney with my rope. I'm in my Santa suit with my Santa beard.
There's a kid there, waiting for Santa. Waiting for me. He says "Santa!" I say "Ho ho ho! Hello! You should be asleep..." He says "Wait you're not fat and you're not old." "But I do have the beard." "You're not Santa! DAAAAAD!!" "Merry Christmas kid!" I drop the presents under the tree and hurry back up my rope.
I could have worn a fat suit I guess but I don't like being fat I like being skinny.
The next house I find in the middle of a robbery. They weren't expecting me. Both of them so shocked to see me, and even more shocked that I have a gun. One of them lunges at me with a knife and I shoot him in the chest. It's okay, he was a bad guy. The other guy also has a knife and seems kinda angry at me. He drops his knife and puts his hand up but I can't let him go, he's just going to keep hurting people where ever he goes. So I shoot him too. It's okay, he was a bad guy too.
I put a bow on each of their heads and then leave my presents and go back up the chimney.
I come down the next chimney and see a girl and a guy together doing dirty things to eachother. He's wearing a Santa suit and a beard too. She screams. I say "Santa, Ms. Clause, sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt, I just brought these for your kids." He comes back with a shotgun and points it at me. I pull out my gun and say "I'll just be on my way..."
I go back up the chimney.
The next house I go to smells like skunk or burning tires or something. Two guys are watching TV. One guy says "Dude the shrooms are peaking and I'm fucking seeing Santa Clause." The other one says "I'm seeing Santa Clause too." "Oh shit, hi Santa!" I say "Hi! Just leaving these for your little brother." "Okay thanks Santa."
I climb back up the chimney.
I also do a lot of others, I hit 30 houses.
Christmas morning I'm watching the news. Everyone is talking about this guy who B&E'd and brought kids presents. They're talking about the dead robbers with the bows. They say police are on the lookout and they gave my description.
My brother realizes it was me and calls the police on me. He's always mean to me.
The police come to our door and arrest me. The cops love me, one of them has a kid that I brought presents for. They love me for stopping the burglars. They don't want to arrest me but they have to.
All through court I'm sitting there with a smile on my face. I'm sentenced for murder 2 of the robbers I killed and 30 counts of breaking and entering.
I'm off to jail with a big smile on my face.