I'm a Canadian and I am in Trouble
Note: The views expressed in this story are not, nor have they ever been, the views of it's author. The author means no offence to those who do believe and hopes he has presented your views respectfully.
We're partying on the Belizian Caeys on Daddy's money when somebody gets the idea we should go get some cocaine. I say "I'm in" and so do two others. My childhood friend and my black friend. With the guy who's idea it was, I don't really know his name, it was the four of us.
Apparently we're gonna have to go to the mainland to get it. I say "I don't know if I'll be comfortable around all those poor people but maybe it could be like an adventure."
We take the long boat ride to the mainland and arrive in Belize City. Everybody seems excited for the prospect of cocaine, me included. But the vibe here is very threatening. I tell the cab driver to keep the windows closed and the doors locked. He said "Of course, ma'am."
I said "I don't know if I like being around all these people." My black friend says "What do you mean these people!?" And I say, "Oh no, no! You're one of the good ones."
We walk into this warehouse to a bunch of gangsters with big guns and ask for cocaine. The main guy says "Yeah sure, hello Clyde." Clyde, the guy who thought we should come says "Hello."
I say "You know I don't think daddy would like me spending his money on cocaine, oh well." The main guy says "Daddy has money?" "Yeah he's loaded." "Interesting."
He pulls out his revolver and all the men with big guns point them at us.
They throw us into a gross room with no furniture while I cry uncontrollably. I say "See I told you these people are no good!"
A man comes in to bring us food, rice and beans. He says "You're our ticket to never need to deal drugs again, you're doing us a great service. Tell me your father's phone number." And I give him the number.
A few days of sleeping on a hard floor pass by.
Then we hear gunshots outside, the man who feeds us reaches for his gun but the man outside shoots him first.
My father's friend, who is apparently a mercenary, comes inside. He says "As soon as your father got the ransom notice he sent me." "My parents were willing to risk my life to not pay ransom?" "Well you know how your father is. This isn't the first time I got him out of having to pay for something. I'm always fixing the man's problems."
We walk out and one of the men with big guns starts firing. The merc pushes me into the room and hid behind a crate waiting for him to run out of ammunition and then takes the guy out. As I wait in painstaking agony until he comes back. "Let's go."
We get to his car. "Luckily this is a rented car, it isn't my beautiful car, so we can do all sorts of dangerous stuff." "I don't want danger!" "Well you're in it."
We get in the car and he starts casually chatting. "You know I'd say being a mercenary is basically the coolest job, except maybe secret agent." "...Oh."
"Oh shit we have a tail." He runs a stale yellow. He says "Don't worry these people are used to watching for red light runners." Then he runs a red, then he starts to run a very stale red and SMASH.
I wake up and look at the driver's seat to find the merc dead. I look behind me and my three friends are dead.
The men with big guns come and pick me up and put me in their car, I'm very dazed. The man in the driver's seat says because of this insult they've just raised the ransom, I'm still dazed.
We get back to the warehouse and I demand to speak to my father. They say fine and get him on the phone.
"Daddy! I need you to take it seriously this time, your hired gun is dead." "He's dead!? How regrettable..." "So you don't have any choice you need to take this seriously." "I'm not paying them a cent." "Daddy!!" And then he hangs up.
"We have no choice we need to send him one of your toes." "What!? My toe!?" "Just the pinky toe." "No!!" "Or we could just kill you." "Fine take the god damn toe you god damn savage!" "If I were you I'd take a friendlier tone, we're on the fence of just abandoning this whole plot and dumping you in the ocean."
He puts the cigar cutter around my toe and chop. I scream and cry. He says "I hope you don't hate me. It's not my idea to cut off your toe."
Once again I hear gunshots outside. The man who cut off my toe comes into my room and says "Don't make a sound."
I sit in silence while guns go off outside, and then suddenly it's over and the man goes outside. He comes back and tells me "The police took them all out, and I'm not going to do anything to you so you'd best just leave."
I ask him "Can I have my cocaine?" And he says sure, goes into a box and hands me a big old bag of cocaine.
As I leave I tell one of the police men with big guns "If you were a little faster I'd still be able to wear sandals." "Apologies, ma'am. You'd best get out of here."
So I get back on a boat back to the caeys with my cocaine and party my ass off.