My name is Drake, my fiance's name is Liz, and we're serial killers. We're in our early 30s and we live in Winnipeg.
We don't kill just anybody, just pieces of shit who have it coming.
You should be careful when you piss people off, you never know which people are murderers.
So I'm in a convenience store trying to buy cigarettes and the clerk IDs me. No problem. He says there's no way you're 34, this is obviously fake. You stay right here while I call the police.
I text Liz to come to the store. The police come, confirm that I am in fact 34, and leave. Then Liz comes in the door. I lock the door behind her, walk behind the counter, grab the clerk by the collar and drag him into the back room.
Liz slits his throat while I touch myself a little.
Oh shit the police were just here, they may figure out what happened. Oh well. We erase the security footage and I take my pack of smokes from the shelf.
We're on the bus home and this jackass starts hitting on Liz right in front of me. We get off at the same stop and it comes to blows. I beat the shit out of him and then grab him by the collar and take him in to our apartment.
Liz slits his throat while I touch myself.
We roll him up in a carpet and I ask my neighbour if I can borrow his car.
We go to a nearby bridge and wait for it to be deserted. It's about midnight. We take the carpet out of the back seat and throw it off the bridge. Just then a car comes up behind us and stops, waits a few seconds, then peels out in the other direction.
We chase him down until he stops in front of a police station. We drive past and into a parking lot. We ditch our license plates and find some new ones.
Meanwhile we have the news on the radio and we hear we're suspects in the killing of that stupid fucking store clerk.
So we drive out into the country until it's the next morning and we're nearly out of gas, turn down an obscure road and torch the car. Then we wander around until we find a farm house. We knock on the door and ask if we can have a bed to sleep in, we picked up some hitchhikers and they jacked our car and we have no money. The farmer says sure but we work for what we eat, we say sure.
Of course he's watching the news and he sees our pictures.
This is the first time we've ever killed an innocent, but so be it, it had to be done. We go to his room and kill his wife, we take all of his money and his gun and we steal his truck and head out.
We go until we're out of gas again, then pull over and put the hood up waiting for somebody to come.
We kill them and take their car.
Haven't eaten in a long time, so we pull over at a roadside greasy spoon. Shortly after we get our food suddenly everybody's phone goes kaka kookoo, including our's. A dangerous person alert.
We take off, people definitely know.
The waitress chases us down all "You didn't pay your bill!" I shoot her and we get in the car and take off.
A good guy with a gun comes out of the restaurant and shoots at us, taking out the back window.
A cop car spots us on the highway and gives chase. chases us for a long time, and more come. They're laying spikes so we go off road through a field. They look like they're going around to surround the field. Car fucks up and dies. We decide to get out and walk it.
And we freeze to death in the field.