Why I'm Goth
Note: I'm not goth. I have some goth leanings but I'm not really goth.
My name is Mark and I'm a student at Silver Heights highschool in Winnipeg, grade 12.
My girlfriend, Rose, dumped me yesterday. I feel lower than I've ever been. I feel like I can't escape these dark thoughts. I told her I would kill myself but frankly I don't think I have the guts. I just want her to feel like she's killing me. In a way she is. I feel like I'll never be the same person again.
I'm at the bottom of an abyss and there's no way to climb out. I may as well make friends with the people down here with me. Tomorrow at school I'm going to make friends with the goth kid, James. But I'm not going to call him James he hates his name, I'll call him Sage like he likes.
Talking to Sage in the hallway before class. "Look I know we have kind of a history." "I don't have a history with you, just a history with the amalgamation of all the preps. Don't flatter yourself thinking you have any sort of unique personality to me, you're all just a big blob of prep."
"Well, okay, look, I'm sorry for everything I've said to you. Every time I've called you 'Slayer!' in the hallway, I was an idiot. I get it now. I get you now. I'd really just like to be friends." "You lose your cute little prep girlfriend and now you're full of darkness?" "I, uh, yeah, I mean, yeah, I guess so."
"Fine. Let's chill after school." "Great!"
"I wrote a poem..." "Oh this is always death. Fine let's hear it."
"She left me for dead at the side of the road. Vulture circling, people driving by not paying attention. I am but a husk. She took my soul with her when she left. I want somebody passing by to put me out of my misery like a deer at the side of the road. I want to do it myself but I'm afraid. I'm afraid all there is afterwards is darkness. But even the darkness of death is lesser than the darkness of life."
"You're really straining the most darkness out of this breakup as you possibly can aren't you?" "No good?" "I guess it's fine. Not great. I've heard cringier poetry."
"I've started listening to Evanescence." "Hah! Haha! Yeah so fucking goth now aren't you? Fucking Evanescence." "Well who do you listen to?" "Bauhaus, Joy Division, lately I've been dabbling a little in industrial..." "Like Nine Inch Nails?" "Sure, fine, like Nine Inch Nails." "Hm okay. So... Evanescence is poser goth?" "Oh no, it's just right for you, a prep pretending to be a goth."
And then my grandmother dies... I was very sad at first but I noticed myself smirking a little. I realized... I'm actually happy I have something to make me darker. I've always had kind of a smirk when I hear really bad news. I think maybe I really do crave darkness. Doesn't that make me less of a poser? I think so.
Talking to Sage at school. I tell him about my grandmother. He says "I can tell you think that makes you more goth. Look, you lost a grandparent and got dumped in high school. Everybody loses grandparents and gets dumped in high school. You don't know what real goth is. You're a goth tourist." "You've experienced real darkness?" "I'm dark because I pay attention to the world, I haven't had much tragedy, admittedly more than you, but still not much. My pain is because of the world's pain. My darkness is the only reasonable reaction to the world."
"I want to prove I'm committed. I'm getting facial piercings." "Oh for fuck's sake. Fine get some facial piercings. I will admit I will find you cooler if you get facial piercings."
A prep walks by the hallway and Sage says "He's why I'm sad for the world." "Yeah it really is the epitome of privilege isn't it?" "Oh shut the fuck up. You're one of them too, you're just going through a phase."
At Sage's place... "I think I'll get a pentagram tattoo" "Oh yeah real fucking goth a pentagram. You know Satanists and goths are not the same, right?" "Are you not a Satanist?" "I am, the philosophy jives, but if you think having a pentagram will make you all edgy and cool you're only doing it because you want to rebel, you don't actually know anything, you don't actually feel anything."
"...Let's summon a demon!" "Are you fucking kidding me!? Satanists don't believe in demons. We don't actually worship Satan just what he represents." "...Evil?" "Well not the rapey murdery evil but I guess it represents certain things you've been led to believe are evil."
...Maybe I am just a prep who's a goth tourist. Honestly I'm already over my girlfriend. I found a ladder out from the abyss and it was called time. All I needed was time.
Fuck it, I'm a prep. I've always been a prep and I will always be a prep. I'll probably grow up to be a used car salesman thinking about when he was in high school and on top of the world.
I patched things up with my prep friends, I took out my piercings, and everything is back to normal. This feels right. I'm a prep.
My old friend walks by and I say "Slayer!" and all my prep friends say "Slayer!" and stick their tongues out all metal and make metal noises. I say "How you doing, JAMES?"
He says "Always remember when those holes in your face used to be piercings, for a few moments you were kinda almost cool. You've been reabsorbed into the prep blob, but you're still the coolest one out of all of them. Have a nice life. Don't write any more poetry."