Cleanse it with Fire
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Note: Yes, the main character is a little influenced by Salad Fingers. Not very much but a tiny bit. I'm sure the character has been done before Salad Fingers. It's not as good as Salad Fingers to be honest. It's a watered down version of Salad Fingers, pretty creepy but not nearly as creepy.

Note: No I don't actually believe the Mayans were the epitome of evil, but they definitely have some evil going on. For the story though let's pretend they're Satan's empire. No I don't actually think cats are evil. Well okay maybe a little but I still love the shit out of them.

Chapter One
My name is Edward. I have a voice of milk chocolate, a British accent, I'm 30 years old, I'm 6 foot and 100 pounds and I am in prison for murder at Headlingley Correctional Institute.

It was a beautiful 18 year old girl and I sacrificed her to the gods. She was a virgin but she was naughty. Everybody says "how could you take such an innocent life?" But she was not innocent and I was the only one who could see it. The gods didn't say she needed to be a virgin I just liked it that way. I am a real Satanist, not the improper fake Satanists who worship themselves I literally worship Satan. My favourite are the Mayan gods.

Everybody in here is naughty and needs to be punished. I guess you could say I'm one of them but my evils were for the greater good. If I don't keep the gods, the one's you think are Satan, happy, the world could come to an end at any moment on their whim.

Chapter Two
It's nice to be in my cell for a moments peace. I don't mind being raped in the shower by a big guy named Donnie, who insists he isn't a homosexual, but it's also nice to be left alone. He won't leave me alone.

I think I'm in love with Donnie, I've been in love with everyone I've done naughty things with. I hope he loves me back.

Today the showers cleared out early like they always do, just me and Donnie. The guard outside knows what's going on but he hates me and wants to see me punished so he looks the other way. He doesn't know I like it, I mean what kind of a sick person would like it?

I'm not a homosexual either but I can love anybody.

Chapter Three
In the computer lab, when the guards aren't looking, I like to look up real gore and touch myself through my pants. Such evil is thrilling and I'm sure these people are making the gods very happy even if they don't know it.

Sometimes I think of my own murder. I realize, looking at what I could have done, that I was actually very nice to the girl. I didn't cut off her face or carve out her guts or anything. Just a quick throat slit.

She bled everywhere. Ruined my carpets. Naughty, naughty girl.

Chapter Four
There's one prisoner here named Darrick. He doesn't belong here. These people are very dark and he is a ray of sunshine. I mean a very sad ray of sunshine but he's so pure he doesn't belong here. He's in for grand theft auto though he insists he's been framed and I believe him.

I like him a lot but I think he would be a very stand up sacrifice. He would make the gods very happy.

Chapter Five
I think about my cat a lot. I hope my neighbour is taking good care of him. They're so cute the way they play with their catch before they kill it. Keeping it alive so they can chase after it some more. People who love cats love them because they're so innocent but I love them because they are not. They're dark. Dark like me.

I think my cat makes the gods very happy.

Chapter Six
I have one friend here named Bruce. The other prisoners call him a retard. I don't know anything about that, he's just simple. I like simple people. Smart people are full of secrets and they're never who they say they are, with simple people what they project is what they are.

He murdered his father for beating his mother. I think he should have, he did the right thing. I mean I'm pretty dark but that kind of behaviour just isn't proper. You don't do that kind of thing to your family and especially not in front of your children. The man needed to be punished and I'm glad Bruce did it.

Chapter Seven
There's a guard here who goes by Peter. He doesn't like to go by Pete. He's a very religious man, which I respect a lot, but we're on opposing sides. I'm on the side of the gods known as "Satan" and he's in love with Jesus.

He tells me I'm a demon who walks the Earth and I don't deny it. I would love to be a demon who walks the Earth. But then I think we're all demons who walk the Earth. He seems to have a certain frightened respect for me, like he understands the power of Satan and knows that I wield it. Witch I like to think I do.

Chapter Eight
Today Pete's son is in prison. He killed his mother. Peter is off work but one of the other guards tells me Peter thinks I put a hex on his family.

I tell him I did, but I didn't. Had I thought of it I may have done it. Just to fuck with his beliefs.

I tell this other guard he best watch his back or I'll put a hex on the whole lot of you.

Chapter Nine
In the yard, I was talking to another one of Donnie's favourites. We never really talk but we have a jealous but respectful vibe together. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of seething hatred and sometimes I catch a glimpse of understanding.

I tell him "Donnie loves me better, he never leaves me alone." He says "Donnie just uses you, you don't have the connection like we have. I'm his bitch and you're just a side piece." I say "Yes, you're his bitch, he thinks of you as lesser, I'm not his bitch, he thinks of me as equal." "Equal!? Pah!"

I say "let's prove it. We get in a fight and see what Donnie does." He says "I'm not fighting you. Everybody knows you have a shiv." "Coward."

Chapter Ten
Word has spread around the prison that I have the power of Satan. Guards look at me with fear, inmates look at me with fear, Donnie looks at me with fear, even Bruce looks at me with fear.

Donnie tells me he's behind me in whatever I do and I don't need to feel threatened by him anymore. Now I get to set him loose on anybody who challenges me. It's the atheists who challenge me, but they fear Donnie so I get to control them too.

I'm king of the prison.

Chapter Eleven
The warden comes to visit me personally. I've never heard of him doing that.

"You seem to have everybody running scared. But you don't scare me. You think you can't be touched? Well neither can I. You have the power of a bunch of thugs behind you but I have the power of the law. You can't do anything here without being in a heap of trouble, but I can do whatever the fuck I want, the law is on my side. I could bash your head in and I'd get a raise." "I hope one day we can put this to the test." "Oh is that so? We'll see what you say after a couple weeks in solitary." "I would love to spend two weeks in solitary."

Chapter Twelve
I enjoy solitary. Gives me time to be with my thoughts. I like to meditate.

Things occur to me when I meditate, it's little gifts from the gods. I ask "Satan" to give me a sign. I suddenly get the thought "cleanse it with fire" and then the thought "throw the cruel herder to the herd."

"I will, Satan."

Chapter Thirteen
I was talking to Peter about how I used to be Christian. I was raised Christian.

I tell him I'm better off without it, can't be king of the prison as a Christian.

Satan used to rule the natural world before the Christians came in and conquered everything, and the Mayans were Satan's empire. He ruled them like he ruled the pre Christian civilizations. The Christians came in and upset the natural order of things. That's what they like to do, upset the natural order of things.

Chapter Fourteen
I was talking to Pete's son. He tells me "You're a fraud, you didn't kill my mother, I did. I did it very deliberately and I would do it again." "That's what Satan wants you to think." "Just like my father. Every evil thing that happens is controlled by some evil force. It was just me. It was just me being angry." "That's just what Satan wants you to think..." "I am going to expose you. I don't know how but I will release these prisoners from your grasp."

So I stabbed him in the throat with my shiv.

Chapter Fifteen
I stalk the hallway with blood all over my uniform, knocking on every door as I go. I get to the end and stab the guard in the throat with my shiv. I tell the other guards you best stay back or bad things will happen to your family.

I get the keys.

Chapter Sixteen
I unlock all the cells and inmates flood the hallways. I try to open the doors to the warden's office with the keys but there's a chair under the doorknob. I sic Donnie on the door, he kicks it open. I walk in and nothing, but I hear whimpering. I look under the desk and he's in the fetal position crying.

I grab him and throw him to the crowd. They literally tear him apart.

The whole prison erupts in riots. The guards are overtaken and killed.

They are about to kill the last guard when I say "No! We need a hostage or the military will overtake this place.

I threw the herder to the herd. Next is to cleanse it with fire. But I won't be in it, I will be free.

Chapter Seventeen
I come to Derrick. I tell him "You don't want to be apart of what's coming. I can tell you're an innocent lost little boy in a world too cruel for you to ever understand." He says "I can't anymore." I say "It's okay, you don't have to." Then I tell him "You belong to God and we belong to Satan. It's time for you to go to him so you don't have to see yourself become a man of Satan."

And I stab him in the throat.

"You were a beacon of light in a world of darkness. It needed to be put out."

Chapter Eighteen
The inmates split into factions. Most of them join me in taking the cafeteria. We flipped the tables as barricades and we control the food. The other factions are friendly to us because we have the subsistence, but deep down they have secrets. They plot and they scheme. But a lot of them are afraid of me and the ones who aren't are controlled by the ones who are.

We're in charge of this prison. We have the food.

The hallways are deserted, everybody has their own large room to house their faction.

The guard is terrified. I tell him not to worry, as long as he stays civil toward us we'll stay civil toward him.

Chapter Nineteen
I have spies in the other factions. I don't like spies, they're sneaky buggers, but I need my spies. I don't trust them but I need them.

One faction leader almost has his people convinced that I don't have any powers and that I just lucked out with coincidence. But there's upheaval. Other people want to be leaders, some of them believe me and some of them don't. They're battling it out.

I'm going to let them battle it out. Thin their numbers.

Chapter Twenty
It took about a week but they've battled themselves out. The ones who took charge are the ones who are against me.

The hallways are once again alive with activity. We have pipe bombs and shivs. They have pipe bombs and shivs. They throw their bombs, we throw our bombs. The hallway is littered with bodies and parts of bodies. Nobody can make it close enough to shiv.

After the nasty leader's followers are all dead he runs toward us, drunk on toilet wine, avoiding the carnage. He runs past the barriers. He runs right up to me. He grabs me by the collar and says "Just so you know, I could have got you. I don't believe you're all powerful, I believe you're a fraud. But I believe you will raise hell if you ever get out of here and I want the world to burn." He takes out his shiv and stabs himself in the side of the neck.

The other faction, who was less passionate than the first one, lays down their arms and comes to join me.

"You may now kiss my feet and suckle on my teat."

Chapter Twenty One
The military has gathered outside and they communicate with me via telephone. I still have leverage.

He tells me "nobody will die if you release the hostage." I tell him "nobody will die if you leave us be." "You know we can't do that." "Well then it appears we're at an impasse." "There's no way this ends well for you. You need to put careful thought into your next move." "My next move is and will always be to fuck shit up." "We're sorry to hear that. But don't you think you've fucked shit up enough? You've done all you can to raise hell and now you're as far as you can go." "We'll see."

Chapter Twenty Two
My people start throwing pipe bombs out the window at the military. Lots of carnage. The most I could have hoped for.

I strip the guard down and put on his clothes. I put him in my still blood soaked clothes. He seems off put.

The military break through the barricaded doors and throw smoke.

I yell, in a different voice, and my best Canadian accent "Don't shoot! I'm the hostage! I'm not with them!"

They put me on the ground and make a circle around me while they hold the prisoners at gun point. Nobody had to die, their operation went smoothly.

But before this all went down I had fires started all over the place. I cleansed it with fire.

Chapter Twenty Three
I am brought outside. I say "I need to go visit my family." And I wasn't lying... I want to visit my cat, he probably misses me as much as I miss him.

The next time I'm in here it's going to be for something so much worse. I will live up to the expectations imposed on me. The world will burn.