Captain Rochefort Reporting
It's World War II France. The name is Arthur, but my friends call me Art. I'm 21 years old.
We're meeting with a member of the French resistance in Paris. Our captain hates the French but not as much as he hates the Germans. He won't shut up about how they need us to save their sorry asses and they would be nothing without us. The French guy seems to grudgingly accept, knowing that there may be a little truth to it but that the Captain is just the kind of asshole he's going to have to deal with.
I stand up to the captain and say "The French aren't so bad. In a lot of ways they're better than us. Look at the resistance, it's a beautiful thing, you don't see that happening everywhere, only here. They're a proud and passionate people and that's more than I can say for us."
He smacks me and says "The United States is the best country in the world. France has, like, fifth. We deserve to talk down to them." And then punches me in the gut.
I say "You shouldn't be so proud of America just because we are a war machine. There are a lot of other aspects of French culture that is superior to ours." Captain says "Hmph." "Being good at war is not something we should be proud of, it's something we should be ashamed of." "That's why you are not a man, you are still a boy. ideally we would have peace, but sometimes war is necessary to get us there."
The French resistance guy is torn. "I too want only peace, but I know that a German victory is the bad kind of peace. We would have peace but we wouldn't have freedom, today war is the only way to maintain freedom."
As I've said, the captain hates the French. And believe me the feeling is mutual. The resistance man, Charles, hates his guts but knows he must work with them.
I do an impression of the captain to Charles. "America is number one! We fix planet! I go right up uncle Sam's asshole!" Charles laughs, a fake laugh is heard behind me. I look and oh shit it's the Captain. He beats the shit out of me.
He turns to one of my comrades and says "Did you see that?" He says "No sir!" The captain punches him in the gut and says "DID YOU SEE THAT!?" and he says "NO SIR!" He looks at me and says "Get up, soldier!"
I tell my comrades I've had enough. I'm at my breaking point and I'm afraid of what I may do. My comrade says "Maybe you're not the only one who's had enough. And maybe you're not the only one who's afraid of what they may do." "So what are you suggesting?" "Let's fucking do him in." "...I want to be the one to do it."
In the midst of battle, I shoot him from behind. I walk up to his dying body and say "Would a boy do this?" He says "This is exactly what a boy would do, poor little Arthur so sad about being picked on he decided to murder his commanding officer, enjoy coming to grips with what you've done when you rot in military prison for the rest of your life."
Charles watches the event unfold and says "I'll work with whoever comes along after him, just leave me out of this."
Somebody from another platoon is examining the site and he determines that captain Rochefort was shot from behind.
We realize if this gets out we're all going to military prison so we decide to kill the man.
I'm grappling with my anti war mentality given that it turns out I really enjoy killing. I think I can solve this cognitive dissonance. I have a theory.
I tell Charles and he says "Get help." I say "I've never been more sane. Kill every aggressive person, that will bring peace."
I have no choice but to do my impression of the captain over the radio to headquarters. Luckily I've mastered his voice. I feel I may have put a little too much into it, but they would have no reason to believe it wasn't real, they just may be a little perplexed at his mood.
My comrades are getting tense they're going to be found out.
I keep doing my impression over the radio.
I start to fear my comrades will turn me in.
I think I'm alone so I'm talking to myself. Just about how I'm the captain now and the former captain only thinks he was in charge but that was only because I let him believe that. I am in charge. If I have to I'll kill the whole damn platoon. If they don't recognize myself as the captain.
But it turns out somebody heard me.
I am the fucking captain. I want to go right up Uncle Sam's ass. I want to conquer the planet in the glory of the American republic. I will fix the fucking planet. All will bow to the great U S of A.
My comrades are worried about me, and apparently they have decided to turn me in. I resist and they kill me. In my dying breath I proclaim myself their captain and say long live the republic.