Note: The views expressed in this story are not, nor have they ever been, the views of it's author. The author means no offense to those who do believe and hopes he has presented your views respectfully.
Note: ...No, the voices don't tell me to kill. And no I haven't experienced anything like this. This is just how I imagined full-fledged schizophrenia would develop. I'm not full-fledged.
Over a traditional Mennonite dinner table in Winkler, Canada... Wooden table, white walls. "Hass yeheate wote Kronshe Fronce sacht?" ("Did you hear about Frank Krahn?") "Yo, hye haft yeshichte fon pradya Yeatzin und ayre Hope." (Yes. He's telling stories about preacher Henry Goertzin and his daughter.") "Schrachlich" ("Terrible.") The grandmother says "Woat ass dit?" ("What is this?") "Hye sacht doat Pradya Heinrich Yeatzin latt ayre Hope nich toch." ("Frank Krahn is saying Henry Goertzin raped his daughter.") "Obah! Neenich sou! Woarum daet hye sount noa dye Pradya?" ("Oh-bah! Never. Why would he do that to the preacher?")
Frank is in his living room, white walls, gaudy furniture, talking to his daughter in a Lo-German accent. "I can't believe this town... We're moving. Okay, Hope? We're going to move." "Okay."
The rest of the story is from the perspective of Devin Gulliver.
I didn't have an ideal childhood.
My mother would smoke crack every night. Many nights of the blue light from the TV illuminating the darkened room, white walls, brown sofa, me and my twin brother falling asleep on the couch and my mother smoking crack, laughing at the TV. We didn't think anything of it, this was just a thing mother enjoyed to do at night.
Father would criticize it, call her a crazy bitch, and then get blackout drunk every night. We knew that both the crack and the alcohol make you funny in the head, I really don't see the difference.
It wasn't until I told Colin about the crack that I realized there may be something wrong with my mother, as he said it was really bad. It just... It seemed normal to me.
Most children are anti-drug, 'cause that's just what they've been told by society. I never had that, I knew from a young age that I would probably start doing drugs at some point. Colin did not know this, though he too would eventually come around.
But I knew mother was okay despite the crack. I knew she was going to be fine. She was just such a good person, how could anybody not love her? She would say things that father would say don't make any sense but I totally understood what she meant and agreed with her.
I liked her a lot more than I liked father. Father was really mean. He was mean sober but he got even worse when he was drunk. He would talk about how mother and us have entrapped him. That he didn't want this life but he had to be there for the kids. Even though... Even though we didn't really want him to be there. We would have been happier with just mother.
Mother had mood swings... She would always either be really happy or really sad, but she was always really nice. It just broke my heart when father would do terrible things to her because she was just... She was just so sweet. And father was such a brute.
If it wasn't for mother I would have just thought beating your wife up was something people do. She instilled in me that father was a bad person and that I would never grow up to be so bad. I was going to grow up to be like her.
She said she heard the voices of people who weren't there, but I still thought she would be okay, I had no idea that such a thing was not okay.
My parents would fight a lot... This is the fight I remember most clearly, as it was the last one. We were very young at this point, probably six or seven... We're in our living room, me and my twin brother Damien are on the couch. My father says "I'm sick of it!" Mother says "Yes, you look ill." "Shut up! Shut your crazy ass up! I'm gonna smack you. I'm gonna fucking smack you!"
The fight got worse and worse, and eventually he did 'smack her.' With the two of us in the next room hugging and cowering. This was the day father finally decided to have mother committed. I can't really remember, but I'm sure mother did nothing to antagonize him. He became impatient with her 'crazy rambling' and decided to shut her up the only way he knew how, besides hitting her of course, he had her committed.
We would visit mother at the psych ward every day. We had to take the bus ourselves, even at our young age, as father wanted nothing to do with her. The people at the hospital decided she should be committed to a full term mental hospital, and a few days later, mother killed herself. She hung herself in her room. She left us... She left us all alone with dad.
After mother's death, I got really into kung fu. I started with karate, eventually moved on to tai chi, brazillian juijtisu, krav maga and kick boxing. I became obsessed. I would constantly start fights at school and at home with my brother and eventually my father. I got the impression that my father enjoyed that I was getting so tough, even if I did occasionally beat his ass.
I wasn't bullied too badly but I certainly made a point of making sure nobody bullies me again. I wouldn't say I became a bully myself, just... Had a short fuse. I would make excuses to fight but not just for the sake of picking on the weak. Though it was tempting... I preferred a challenge. Not to colour myself as all noble, the real reason was because bullying felt rather pointless. But I definitely had a blood lust. I was worried I would one day start bullying the other kids for no good reason.
I took to killing small animals for fun. Damien hated me for it, he was always an animal lover.
I found myself kind of isolated as a kid. My only real friends were Colin and my brother. Everyone else seemed too afraid to become acquainted with me. And they were right to be so.
And then I met Trevor, and more importantly his sister Hope. They were new in school, apparently they came from a small town south of Winnipeg called Winkler. I fell in love with Hope immediately. I didn't know a lot about her, but I sensed she was damaged as well. Which was exactly what I needed at the time. But it's hard for me to make myself vulnerable by asking her out so we just wound up being friends. We were only in middle school anyway, it wasn't that important to me yet.
I thought I caught signals, though. Just the way she was with me. She laughed at my unfunny jokes, she always smiled when I looked at her... I don't know, though, she was basically nice to everybody. I didn't see her as much as Trevor, she had her new female friends that offered stuff we couldn't give her... You know, conversations about glitter and unicorns.
I'm pretty sure she was damaged. I just had... A sense.
So now our group was me, Damien, Colin and Trevor. We were pretty inseparable. We tried our first cigarette together... Damien and Colin threw up.
Then in grade nine we started smoking weed all the time. We also tried alcohol... We tried these pills Colin's father had. The other kids deemed us "sketchy" and labeled us the "druggies." I mean I could understand why people thought I
was sketchy but everybody else in the group... Not so much. They were all very warm people.
We fantasized about one day becoming dealers. That's what we wanted to be when we grew up. Drugs were our passion.
Me and Hope are in my room smoking weed. White walls, ordinary furniture. I say "Okay I'm just gonna go ahead and say it..." "What?" "You're very attractive. I've been wanting to put my penis in your vagina for a long time." She laughs and says "I'm very attracted to you too." "I knew it!" "Yes. I thought I was making myself pretty obvious." "Oh. Nuts. I thought I was practicing some serious intuition." "Sorry, I thought I was being obvious." "Oh well." I lunge at her and, at last, we make out.
We tried our first taste of cocaine together, me and Hope. Damien didn't really approve but I have a feeling I can get him to warm up to it. He said "As long as you don't get addicted... Always remember mother." But he wasn't all that in to the "feel good" drugs. I mean he'd do them on occasion but he was much more interested in psychedelics.
In the hallway at school, grey lockers, grey walls... Hope comes up to me at my locker and says "Could you get me six caps?" "Sure. 40 bucks." "Okay." "Nah actually I'll buy it for you since we're dating and I'm supposed to be chivalric." "Well I don't require you to be chivalric but okay." "So... This gonna be your first time? "Yep." "Cool. It's bliss. What's the plan?" "I'm just gonna take the first two alone in my room." "Cool. A good idea if you don't know how you're going to react to it, but honestly it's much more fun with people." "I don't know how I'm going to react to it."
In my room, prepping some lines, Hope is telling me a story about her day... "So she just completely ignores me now. We saw eachother in the hallway and I started to say something and she just walks past me." "Hm. Bitch." "Yes she is." Damien comes in and says "Jesus Christ you're turning into a coke head." I say "Yeah. It's awesome." Hope laughs. Damien says "Whatever. I don't approve... But whatever."
The next day, hanging with Hope "I pretty much spent the whole night listening to music, hugging my pillow and noticing how soft my bed was." "Nice. What'd you listen to?" "Bright Eyes, of course." "You're so emo." "Like you're one to talk." There was a long pause. "I had a bit of a problem, though..." "Oh?" "Some flashbacks." "Flashbacks?" "You promise not to tell anybody?" "Of course." "When I was seven years old... I was raped." "What really?" "His name is Henry Goertzin... He was the minister of the church. Nobody believed me and my father... And we were run out of town." "Well it's probably for the best that you left." "I guess... That doesn't change your opinion of me?" "No, of course not." "Really?" "Not even a little." "Good." I start prepping some lines. Hope says "Fuck... You're going to get me addicted." I laugh and say "There's worse things."
Then we graduated high school and it was time to get our life going. We promised eachother we would all become drug dealers a long time ago and that was still the plan now. It was time to start a career, you know, start being an adult.
Damien, Hope, Trevor, Colin and myself are sitting around smoking weed in my father's living room... Damien says "So I just need another $100 and we're set." I say "I got you covered." "Perfect. It begins." "After this one we move into coke." "Let's do it." "Beauty. I'll see if I can find us some guns." "Guns..." "If we're dealing coke we need guns." "So long as I never use it..." "Probably not..." Hope says "My new favourite dealers." Damien says "Actually before we move into coke I'd like to secure X, mush and acid." I say "No way. Coke takes priority." "A'ight fine."
Back in the living room with my brother... He says "I think it's about time to move out. We're making quite a bit of cash." "I told you. Coke." "Yeah I guess." Father walks in "So you're moving out?" Damien says "Sorry to leave you alone." "Don't worry about it. Get out."
I say "Dad... I don't think I'll be seeing you much any more." "Fine." "Well you just go ahead and drink yourself to death. I'll see you at the funeral." "You little shit..." "You want to hit me, don't you?" "...No, I don't." "Well good it would be a dumb move on your part." Damien says "Bye dad."
Sitting in dad's back yard... grey brick patio, cheap white patio furniture. I'm spinning the barrel of my new magnum. Damien says "It's a beautiful piece." "Yeah. You want one?" He sighs and says "I guess." "Cool. I'll get you a glock." "A'ight."
In the living room of our new apartment, very late. Off white walls, hippy art, brown sofa, wooden table... I say to my brother "Oh come on you gotta rail a line in celebration of the new place." "Oh alright." He goes in for it and says "Woo!" After a pause, he says... "So I've started writing a book." "Oh yeah? Fiction?" "Yeah. Pretty much. Sorta." "What about?" "A young man's psycho spiritual journey through psychedelics, based loosely on myself." I laugh and say "Of course. Interesting." "Thank you."
"I'll tell you a little about the book..." Says Damien. "It mostly relies on Buddhist philosophy with a little of my own flair. Basically I say that attachment is the root of all suffering, but for the most part, living a normal life, attachment is unavoidable. The main character tries to reduce his suffering but ultimately fails because, well, it's very hard to live a life without attachment. He attempts to become enlightened but he can't. He can get close but he'll never be fully enlightened. He decides the only way to completely remove attachment from his life is to die."
In my supplier's, Asnake's, kitchen. White walls, cheap metal table, white cabinets. He takes out a pound of coke for me and puts it on the table, while talking to one of his underlings, Gord... "I want you to fucking take care of him. So that's what you're going to fucking do." Gord says "Can't you give it to somebody else? I can't kill him he's my friend." I say "I'll do it." Gord, shocked, says "You!?" "Yeah me. I wanna be gangsta'." Asknake says "Alright. Good man. I'll write down his address for you." He gets up and takes out a piece of paper.
I'm on the guy's front porch, it's night time, wooden porch, white stucco house. I ring the doorbell and then stand there with my arm leaning against the wall. The guy opens the door. I say "Brad?" He says "Yes." I, kindly, with a big smile on my face, say "Hi!" I pull the magnum out of my pants and shoot the guy several times.
Damien, Hope, Trevor, Colin and myself are sitting around the apartment smoking weed. Hope is saying "And now she's just turned all the others against me too. You guys are my only friends." I say "Don't worry about them. We're cooler anyway." "This is true." There was a long pause. I say "I killed a man yesterday." Damien says "You did what!?" "I pulled a hit for Asnake." "Oh my God. Not cool, man. Not cool. I don't think I'll ever be able to look at you the same." "Well so be it." Hope just sat there in silence. She looked afraid.
Back in Asnake's kitchen... Asnake and Gord are smoking methamphetamine. Asnake tells me "You did good, man. Your first hit I'm proud of ya'." "Thank you." He smokes from the pipe and hands it to me. "Smoke 'dis." "Hey alright." I smoke it. "Never smoked crystal before?" "Never. I think I could make a habit out of this stuff." The pipe comes back to me and I take another hit. "I feel really... Focused. This is the drug for me." "Good. Oh I'll get you the cash for the hit." He gets up, gets the cash and hands it to me. "Here you go, man. Thanks again. You did good. Prepare for more jobs." "Excellent."
I start going to shooting ranges a lot. Really refine my craft.
Me and my brother are in a night club with the rest of the crew. Real dark, laser lights, sleek looking tables and bar. I'm so fucked up on ecstacy and alcohol. I'm not much for dancing, but Hope got me in to it. The lights and music are beautiful for rolling. After we dance Hope asks if I could "please stop killing people." Which seemed like something she'd wanted to say since, well, since I first told her I killed a man. I guess this was just the first time she got drunk enough. I said "...I can't, it's my job. And, well, I like it." She ran to the bathroom. Some guy I knew from school said to me "You made Hope cry, bro." I said "Fuck off, bro." "I'd never make her cry." "Oh!? You wanna fucking date her!?" "I'd be better for her than you." "If you'd have known what was good for you you would have fucked off!" "Outside! Right now!" "You're in shit, now!"
In the parking lot, he throws a right hook at me. I block it in front of my face. He gives me another right hook. I block it in front of my face. A crowd starts to gather and cheer. I give him my right and knock him back a little. He stumbles and I then push him down. I say "Get up, I fucking dare you." He gets up and grabs me by the torso. I give him an elbow to the back and knock him down again. He gets up again and stumbles around. I give him a chop to the neck and he goes down hard. I kick him in the stomach and that was that. Fucker's lucky I wasn't armed. And... That was pretty much my night. Didn't see Hope at all after the bouncers wouldn't let me back in.
The next day, I'm in the apartment, smoking my new favourite drug. My brother walks in. "You're smoking meth now?" "I'm smoking meth now." "My brother. Look, you gotta get your own place." "Fine." "First... Let's take a trip. Just you and me."
We're in the park, tripping balls on LSD. Damien says "Woah man... I am... In the sky! This stuff is strong." I say "Let's smoke a bowl." "A'ight." Damien starts packing a bowl of pot. "Hold on I'm fading away..." He pauses and give me a really weird look. "Woah... I just hallucinated you as the devil." I say "...I just hallucinated you as the devil." "Magic." "apparently it is." "Look, I don't know why you hallucinated me as the devil, but the reason I hallucinated you as the devil is because I think you're the fucking devil." "...Understood." "I kind of wanted to take this trip with you because I figured the psychedelic mindset would help me tell you... I mean that we may connect better... And if I were to have told you... I... I'm worried about you... And I'm scared of you... And... And I thought maybe I could get you to think deeper about what you're becoming, but now that I'm here I don't... I just don't... I can't find the words. All I want to do is cry." as he starts to cry "Oh, look, there it goes..." he said. I say "...I'm sorry, but I'm not about to change for you." "Fine." He takes a hit off the pipe and passes it to me.
He says "...There's this part in my book where my main character's brother started drifting away, but not nearly as much as you're drifting away... I mean the brother in my book isn't fucking killing people." "...Oh?" "Yeah I didn't think it would be a good idea to include that part." "Probably not." "The main character realizes the only thing he can do is remove all attachment to this thing, this thing that will only cause him sorrow. If he wants to be at peace he needs to let his brother be whatever it is he's going to be and not connect with it. Attachment is the root of all suffering, as the Buddhists say." "So... You're removing all attachment to me?" "I'm going to try." "...Alright." "So you just go ahead and live your life, don't worry about what I think of it." "Honestly, I had no intention to worry about what you think of it." "Well alright... Good. That's good."
I'm walking up to Hope's house, brown and white siding... There are several police cars outside. I look around, worried, and then walk in through the already opened door. There are police everywhere. Hope's father is sitting on the gaudy couch, crying. A police officer comes up to me and says "I'm sorry sir, but you have to leave." I yell "What happened!?" I walk in further and see Hope's arm laying on the floor of the bathroom. A police officer blocks me from entering. "Sir. You need to leave." "What happened!? What happened!?" A police officer restrains me and leads me out the door. "WHAT HAPPENED!!?!" The police officer closes the door.
I always used to think in dialogue... I would do both sides of the conversation manually, but after this particular stress I noticed... I noticed I wasn't doing the other side of the conversation any more. It was doing itself. And I'm scared.
I'm in my apartment, white walls, glass table, glass shelves, grey sofa... crying and smoking way too much methamphetamine. An old man walks up behind me. He has long white hair and a long white beard. I quickly turn and look but there's nobody there. I put the meth pipe down.
It wasn't her stupid friends, no, that was just what pushed her over the edge. It was the preacher... That preacher. Henry Goertzin. I hate him... I hate him... The old man says "You should kill him." Kill him... I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna find him and I'm gonna kill him.
I'm on the telephone. It's ringing. I have an open phone book. He answers "Hello?" "Is this Henry Goertzin the preacher?" "Yes." "Okay." I hang up and write the address in the white pages down.
I walk up to his door in Winkler and knock. White siding, wooden porch. I lean up against the door with my arm up. Henry opens the door. I, kindly, with a big smile on my face say "Hi!" I grab him, drag him down the steps and throw him into the trunk of my car. We get sufficiently far into the wilderness. I drag him out of the trunk, grab a shovel out of my trunk and give it to him with my magnum pointed. I tell him "Dig." He begins digging. He says "What are doing!?" "You hurt somebody very close to me." He says, full of sorrow "I have done nothing!" "You know what you did." "I have done nothing..." I feel he's dug enough. "Good enough" I say. I shoot out both his feet, toss him into the hole and bury him alive. The old man says "Good. And now we kill the rest of them." And now I kill the rest of them.
I'm at Hope's friend's door. The one who started this whole thing. I knock on the door and lean against the side with my arm up. She answers "...Devin?" I say, kindly, with a big smile on my face "Hi!"
I'm with Damien in his apartment. He's on the telephone. He says to me "Devin, all of Hope's friends have gone missing. Do you know anything about this?" "No." "I know it's you, Devin. You've lost your marbles over this, haven't you?" "No. I'm fine." "Then where have you been? In times of tragedy you need your friends and family. Seclusion can't be good for you." "Hm." "You did this same thing when mother killed herself." "And then I got over it." "No. You became frightening." "Hm." "Look. I know what you did... I know what you did and I don't know whether or not I'm going to do anything about it." "What." "I should do something, but I probably won't. You're my brother." "Hm." He goes back to his conversation on the phone. "At least he answered." and then says "There's no doubt in my mind he did it." He says to me "I know I said before that I was going to distance myself from you... Well let's speed that one forward a little and just get to the part where we never speak again. I didn't want to do this to you in your time of tragedy, but I feel I no longer have a choice. Goodbye, Devin." "...Goodbye."
Later, at my apartment, there's a knock at my door. I get up to answer it. A police officer says "May we have a word with you?" "Certainly." He steps inside. "As you likely already know, three women have recently gone missing. All of these women are connected to your former girlfriend, Hope Krahn." There's a pause, he says "We have no hard evidence, but at the moment you are the primary suspect." "I see..."
A few hours later, I get a call from my brother. He tells me "Look, one more thing, I should probably let you know... Trevor and Colin have decided they don't want to work with you any more, they're gonna use Trevor's connection from now on. And naturally, I'm with them, I don't want to work with you either, but you already knew that part." "...But we haven't settled up yet." "I think you're going to have to let that go. Colin said, and I quote, 'fuck that guy. He killed people I liked and he should go to fucking prison.'"
Damien says "Look... Uh... There's this part in my book where the main character realizes he can never completely detach from his brother... And this was the beginning of his failure to become enlightened." "Yeah whatever. Bye."
In Asnake's kitchen... "I've got more work for you. I need you to knock off two people." I tried to be funny with "Yes yes... Blood. I need blood." but it was met with a "...You alright, man?" "No." "Alright... Alright... That was a little weird but alright." "It was weird?" "Yeah. It was weird." I laugh. "I was kidding."
Well I killed many people and eventually made my way into the big leagues. Everybody knew my name, everybody knew my style and everybody was a little afraid of me. The people higher than Asnake made me one of their assassins. They still spoke to me through Asnake, I didn't know who they were, but I was pulling hits for them. I refined my craft and really became a true artist at it.
My gang connections have long ago infiltrated the local police and turned them away from me. I am no longer suspected of the death of those who took Hope from me. The case has gone cold. As long as I don't kill any more people outside of who Asnake says.
I'm alone in the dark in my apartment... Smoking meth and staring into space. My friend, the old white man is banging a drum with a big mallet. He says "kill, teach!" I say "There's nobody to kill right now..." "KILL, TEACH!" "Who!?" "Your so called friends. They betrayed you." "...True... But, I can't..." "What do you do when the neighbouring tribe steals your meat?" "Um..." "You kill them. You take it back."
Then Hope appears in my peripheral vision and says "I can't believe it..." I say "Hope!? Is it you!?" "...Maybe..." "I made it right, Hope. I made it right. I avenged you." "You made it worse. You made it so much worse." "I... But..." "I can't believe you." "Why did you come back!?" "I'm afraid I can't answer that. You need to figure it out for yourself." "...I... I did it for you." "I know you did. I didn't ask you to do it. And now I have to stop you before you do something else terrible." "I... I..." and then I started to cry. "Why do you think I killed myself?" "Because... Because that man molested you." "Well that may have been part of it, that's not why I ultimately decided to do it." "Then why!?" "I'm going to let you come to the conclusion on your own..."
The old man says "She makes you weak."
Chapter Twenty One
I'm at Colin's door. Yellow siding, a little brickwork... I ring the doorbell but he doesn't answer. I know he's home, the lights are on. I kick the door down and walk in. White walls, didn't really catch a look at the furniture. His mother screams and his father pushes them both behind the couch. I say "Settle down, you're safe as long as you don't fuck with me. Where's Colin?" His mother yells "COLIN GET OUT!!!" So I shot her. Not fatally. In the leg. I go down the hallway to his room, and he's not in it. The window is open and the screen ripped off. Fuck.
I go back to the main room, through the kitchen and out the back door. I check under the deck, I check the shed, nothing. I go to the back lane and see him running at the end of the lane. I run after him but I may not be fast enough, so I shoot out his leg. I come up to him and say "Fuck that guy? This is what happens when you fuck that guy." "I'm sorry!! You're not, I mean... You... We were friends. Are you going to kill me!?" "I didn't get to say my catch phrase..." and I shoot him twice in the chest, once in the head.
Chapter Twenty Two
Trevor's not at his house... I go to my brother's place and tell him "Tell me where Trevor is so I don't have to do anything terrible to my brother." "I, uh... You would, wouldn't you? I... I feel like a coward for telling you but he fled. He went to live with his uncle in Belize." "Where in Belize?" "Blue Creek, a small Mennonite settlement deep in the jungle." "Thank you." "Did you... Kill Colin?" "Hmph." "Please don't come back."
I'm at Asnake's place. I ask him "Do you know anywhere I can get meth in the states? And, like, Mexico and Belize?" "The states, sure. Mexico... I could ask around. I doubt Belize, though. You going on a vacation?" "...Sure, yeah, vacation."
So I smoke the last of my meth and get in my car. Oh yeah I got a car. An '87 mustang. Anyway, I get in my car and start for the border... With my gun sitting at home on my glass bedside table. I feel naked.
Chapter Twenty Three
Cross the border... Through the Dakotas, Nebraska, Kansas, Oklahoma, then finally I get to my meth hookup in Texas. I call the guy and he tells me to meet him out in the desert near El Paso. I thought it was kinda strange that I couldn't just meet him at his house... I sense trouble.
I finally find his car at the side of the road. I open the window and he says "follow me" and gets back in his car. We drive out to the middle of nowhere where there is another car waiting. It's sunset and everything is very orange. He says "Morgan sent you, correct?" "I say... Morgan? I got your information from my buddy Asnake." "Well tell this Asnake to tell Morgan that Alonzo says hello" as he puts on some brass knuckles.
The three guys approach me, all armed with brass knuckles. Alonzo throws a right, I dodge it by going right, he throws another right and I block it and nearly break my arm. I give him three swift rights to the head but have to stop 'cause one of Alonzo's buddies is coming up beside me and gives me a right, I grab his fist and break his arm while one of his buddies lands a blow to my head behind me and nearly knocks me out. I feel real fuzzy but I still manage to kick his leg out. Alonzo comes at me again but I grab his arm and throw him to the ground. I kick him in the stomach. His buddy, the one who's arm I didn't break, goes for a right hook so I break his arm too. Alonzo says "enough!" and pulls out a gun. I go for my gun but there's nothing there. The other two pull out their guns. I say "Well fuck..." and Alonzo says "We're taking your car." "...Well, fuck..." They take off and leave me alone in the desert. "Does this mean your guys in Mexico won't give me any meth either?" I doubt they heard me.
I take a long walk back to the main road and slowly start walking in the direction of El Paso facing traffic with my thumb out. It took a few hours but eventually somebody picked me up. He asks me "Where to?" "El Paso, I guess, unless you happen to be going to Mexico." "I do happen to be going to Mexico." "Oh, well, great!" "So what brings you out here in the middle of the desert?" "I, uh, fought with some thugs and they took my car." "Yikes." We start driving and he says "I'm Luis, by the way." "Devin." "So... These thugs. Were you making a drug deal?" "Well yes, actually." "And I take it you don't have the drugs or the money." "I got the money in my pocket but that's it." "Well I got you covered. Let's smoke a bowl." "Alright. I was kinda hoping for something a little harder, though." "Well all you're getting today is weed." "That's cool, thanks a lot." "Gotta smoke the last of this shit before we get to the border. But to be honest sneaking weed into
Mexico isn't such a big deal." "Hah... Hey, do you have a hookup in Mexico?" "I do." "Fucking excellent."
Chapter Twenty Four
We cross the border and get to his hookup in Juarez. What a beautiful huge orange Mexican looking house in such a disgusting city. With those curvy shingles. Luis and I go up to the door and some guy in a suit answers. Luis says "I estoy en busca de Fausto. He me espera." ("I'm looking for Fausto. He's expecting me.") The guy in the suit says "¿Luis, correcto?" ("Luis, right?") "Sí" "Pasa." ("Come in.") Fausto comes down the stairs and meets us in his front landing. Luis buys some weed and I say "Hey, think you could hook me up with some meth?" "Certainly. How much do you want?" "Like... A gram." "Sure." "...And... Could I get a gun?" "Yeah sure, what kind?" "Whatever's cheapest." "Certainly. A friend of Luis is a friend of mine." "Well thank you." He walks off and comes back with the meth and the gun. I give him what was basically the last of the cash I had on me and he hands me the merchandise. I say "Now... How to sneak this into Belize. I was kinda hoping Asnake's guys would help me get a gun over the border..." "You're going to Belize?" "I'm going to Belize." "And you need a gun..." "And I need a gun." "I can give you the name of somebody that can sneak you into Belize. Over the river into this little village called Blue Creek." "Blue Creek you say?" "Yes." "Well isn't God smiling on me. Thank you." "Well let's you, me and my wonderful brother Luis go get hammered. I haven't seen him in a long time." "Well alright."
We're at a filthy little bar in Juarez... Dark wood and red paint. A mariatchi band is playing and attractive waitresses are bringing us drinks. This Fausto guy knows a lot of women, there's three really attractive sluts here with us. One of them, I guess the one who claimed me, says "¿Qué hacer para vivir?" I say "Sorry I don't speak Spanish." "I said... What do you do for a living?" "Oh. I kill people." "Ooo... Daaangerous." "Yes I'm very dangerous." She preps a line and we both partake. "Let's go back to my place, handsome." "Sounds good to me."
I haven't gotten laid since Hope.
Chapter Twenty Five
I take the bus to Villahermosa. One of Fausto's guys was waiting for me at the bus station. "Devin?" "Yes." "I'm Adolfo. Come with me." We go to his car and we drive to the river, at the border. There's a small boat full of cocaine waiting to cross the river. "We've been expecting you. We'll be leaving shortly. It was a tranquil journey, the moonlight reflecting on the river. Eventually we get to Blue Creek and there's a man waiting at the dock. The driver says "Un envío de Fausto." ("A shipment from Fausto.") and the man says "Gracias." I ask the man at the shore "Do you speak English?" "Yes." "Do you know where Trevor Krahn lives? He's living with his uncle, I don't know the name of his uncle..." "Why yes, Henry is a close friend. I've worked with him for decades. His nephew Trevor just recently came from Canada." "That's the one, yes." "I'll take you to him." "Thank you." Idiot.
Chapter Twenty Six
He takes me into town and up a hill, where there's a crappy little house. "Henry Krahn's house." "Thanks again." I take out my gun and shoot him twice in the chest, once in the head. Can't have him in my way. Plus any friend of Trevor's is an enemy of mine. And he's an idiot. I get out of the car and go up to the front door. I lean beside the door and ring the bell. Henry answers and I say "Hi!" and reach for my gun. He dives behind the wall and grabs a shotgun but I manage to lean around the door and take him down with two in the chest and one in the head. I hear a commotion in the house. I go into the house and say "Trevor!! There's no escape!" He pops up from behind a bed that's been flipped over and takes a shot at me. Misses. Let's test the density of this mattress. I shoot at the mattress where I assume he's hiding and I hear him fall. It felt worth the trip.
Now I have to find a way home... Maybe I can rob this place and get a plane ride out of here. What a crappy little one room concrete hovel. You'd think a man with drug money could afford a little better... Maybe he wanted to keep a low profile. I find a lock box by the flipped over bed. I shoot it open and find quite a lot of money. Should be enough to fly out of here. Too bad he didn't have a car around.
Chapter Twenty Seven
I walk a ways out of town before a truck came from the west. I stick out my thumb and he stops and points to the back, where there is another family already sitting. I hop in the back and sit down. "Goun Dach." ("Hello.") says the man of the family. "I'm sorry, I don't speak Mennonite.""Oh, okay, I speak English. Don't recognize you from town." "I'm from Canada, I was just visiting an old friend." "Oh. Whereabouts in Canada?" "Winnipeg, Manitoba." "Okay. I know a family from Morden, Manitoba." "Yeah that's just south of Winnipeg." "Hear it's pretty cold up there." "Brutal." "So you're going East. To the airport?" "To the airport." "Us too. We decided to start a new life in the states after our child died. Made us think differently about this place." "Oh? How so?" "She died of a spider bite. Makes you think this isn't as much of a paradise as we thought it would be... Though it would be the perfect place to hide from the rapture, as our grandparents thought when they first came down here." "Didn't pan out, did it?" "It didn't." There was a long pause. He says "Here's a picture of our daughter at the funeral." He shows me a polaroid of himself holding what appeared to be a dead toddler. "Is this... Your dead daughter?" "Yes." "You're just... Holding on to her like she's still alive?" "Yes?" "Huh..." "Is that strange to you?" "It is." "Oh. It's normal to me."
We get to the airport and I ditch the gun and buy a ticket for Winnipeg transferring in Cancun.
Chapter Twenty Eight
It's good to be home. I missed you, magnum. I missed you, blistering mind numbing cold. I guess I need a new car... Maybe I'll go Camero this time.
I do a routine hit, nothing out of the ordinary...
I'm at home getting high and my beloved comes to me again. "You still haven't figured it out yet?" "I don't know where to start. I mean I thought it was obvious why you did it and I can't think of anything else that would have done it." "Really? Anything? You can't think of ANYTHING else?" "...No..." "I killed myself because of you, okay!? Because of you!" "What!? Why!?" "The one thing... The one person I thought I could depend on was... Was not the person I thought he was." "Because I kill people?" "Because you kill people..." "...Oh..." "Yeah, oh." "...Are you... Are you really Hope?" "...Maybe..." "'Cause that was, like... That was information I didn't have." "I think you had it. Deep down." "I guess." There was a long pause and then I started to cry. "Crocodile tears..." "No really, it's genuine!" "As genuine as you can be, I guess..."
I can't believe I did this. I refuse to believe I did this! "You did this." "Go away! You fucking whore! You fucking... Figment of my imagination! You're not Hope! You'll never be Hope!" "I'm as close as you got." "But you admit it! You're not really her!" "You don't know that." "Do you?" Then there was a long pause. I say "Look, just... Just leave me alone." "Never. I will be by your side watching every terrible thing you do for the rest of your short, miserable life, because you deserve me." "...I... But... You... Fuck."
Chapter Twenty Nine
I just... I just want to break shit. I yell "BREAK SHIT!" and shoot out my television, flip my table over and punch a hole in the wall. That'll... That'll carry me for awhile. "Will it?" The old man asks. "Let me guess, you want me to kill..." "I need you to kill." "...I need me to kill too. You know, I never did like my neighbour." The old man says "go, hunt, hunter." I walk across the hallway and knock on his door, but he wasn't home. Lucky him.
The old man says "you don't need an excuse, go out and free people from this mortal coil." "I guess you're right." Then Hope says "what's the difference, anyway?" "What do you mean?" "You don't think Colin, my brother and my uncle were innocent? You've already killed the innocent. You may as well just go out and kill at random, it makes no difference to me. You're already a terrible person. I can't believe I loved you." "Hope would still love me, whore! Fake Hope!" The old man says "KILL, TEACH!"
Hope makes me understand the suffering. My brother was right, this life is nothing but suffering. When I kill people I set them free. Be it heaven, eternal darkness, whatever it is, I set them free. I knew there was a reason I loved it so much. I love it so much because God, the universe, whoever, has sent me to save people. Save them from this life of suffering. And I should teach others. I should teach others to kill people and end their suffering.
I walk out my door and oh look! It's my neighbour. I say "Hi!" and shoot him twice in the chest and once in the head. Then I walk outside...
I walk out to the ally beside my place, dark, brick walls on both sides, and find a homeless person asleep on the concrete. I shoot him twice in the chest and once in the head. He is now free. I am now free. I am free to be myself. Now that I recognize who I am I am free to be that person. That person is the saviour. The universe's little helper.
The old man says "You've done good, you've become aware of your destiny. This is all I ever wanted from you." Hope just watches, with a tear rolling down her cheek.
I need a fuck... I go to a hotel and order a call girl. Of course, when we finished, you know what happened to her.
Fuck it, I don't need to be discrete. It's dark out... I go outside and shoot four people around my building, get in my car and run over another person on my way to Asnake's.
I'm out of meth...
Chapter Thirty One
I get to Asnake's house and knock on the door. He answers "It's you. We have to talk." "Alright." "Look, we can help cover up when you kill other criminals, but your neighbour?" "I just got off the phone with the guy who's connected to the police. He tells me your neighbour was shot dead and the police know it's you." "Whatever. I'll manage. I didn't just shoot my neighbour, by the way. Turn on the local news."
"Eight dead in a horrific attack in Osbourne Village. The main suspect is a man named Devin Gulliver. He is also suspected to have killed many more people in gangland hits and may be responsible for the slaying of several innocents all around Manitoba. Here's a photo of the subject."
Asnake says "...Dude..." The old man comes up behind me and says "He'll turn you in... They'll all turn you in." I say "You're right." Asnake says "I'm right?" "Huh? Oh, no, not you." I pull out my gun and shoot him twice in the chest and once in the head. Gord comes out from the bathroom. "I heard gunshots." "You can live if you tell me where this Morgan guy lives." "Morgan? Uh, okay." He writes down Morgan's address and gives it to me. "What do you want with Morgan?" "He knows how to find me. I have to take him down before he takes me down. Also, I lied." And I shoot him dead.
I knock on the door and lean up against the wall. Morgan answers. "...Devin Gulliver?" "Hi!" And shoot him dead. "It's your fault my car got stolen, by the way..."
Chapter Thirty Two
The old man says "there are two left..." "Who?" "Your father is to blame for your mother killing herself." "He is..."
He opens the door "...Devin... What have you done?" "Like you're any better than me." "I... I would never..." "As far as I'm concerned you already have." "Her death was not my fault." "Her death was entirely your fault." "She made the decision, not me." "Enough." I shoot him twice in the chest and once in the head. Then pause for a moment and unload the rest of my ammo on him.
"Stop right there!" I look and it's the police. Hm... Only one car. I guess they didn't expect to find me here yet... Probably just came to talk to father. "Well" I jump into the house and go around the corner. I reload. I duck and peek through the door and take one of them down. The other cop ducks behind the car and says "we need backup! It's Devin Gulliver!" I shoot at him but miss. He comes up to shoot at me and I get him right in the forehead. Shit, I only have a little time left, better make it count.
Chapter Thirty Three
There's only one person left. The great modern day prophet. The yang to my yin. The only one who can complete my project, as I will complete his. My brother.
I come to his place and knock. He opens the door. "I've been expecting you." There's a pause as we look into eachother's eyes. He runs off to the side, flips his table and hides behind it. He takes a shot at me. Maybe I shouldn't have got him that glock. I say "I knew you would need it." "I guess you were right." "Look, we want the same thing." "We do?" "We just go about it in a different way. We were sent from above to end the suffering of this planet, but we can't do it alone. We need to be together." "...I fail to see how our philosophy's are compatible." "We must be one, if we are to complete our goals." "...We can't ever be one. We are separate." "I don't think so. We are both a demigod. But right now each of us is only half demigod." "...I'll admit I get delusions of grandeur myself but we are not demigods." "Do you hear the voices too?" "...I do... Sometimes..." "Mhmm."
Dammien says "Auugh..." He stands up and says "So you're not going to kill me?" "Oh I'm going to kill you. I'm going to kill us both. But not here. We need the right setting. I'm not going to finish this in some stupid ugly hallway." He lifts his gun and I shoot him in the hand. "Look, either we can die right here right now in this stupid apartment or you can have a few more hours of life and, if you hear me out, go peacefully." "...Fine. But I assure if I go peacefully it won't be because of you."
"Go get your unfinished book and put it on your table where it will easily be seen. If the authorities don't find that book this will all be in vain." "...Okay." "I scribbled a little something else, it's in my pocket. I'll read it to you later."
Chapter Thirty Four
We stop at the side of the highway. I say "I think our spot is down there somewhere. Let's go on foot."
We start walking. Damien says "...So what did you scribble?" I say "The end of your book." "Oh?"
"And at last the end of his suffering has come. He realizes that his trouble was man's trouble. That the only way to fix the world was to destroy it. But he can't do it a mere mortal. He must become a demigod. Despite their troubles, his brother has come, sent by god, to make this happen. Soon all will be right." "Well that's an interesting plot twist." "Thank you."
We come to a nice meadow... Forest on all sides, a little creek running by, beautiful sunset... "Okay. This looks like a good spot." "...Yeah it's a nice place to find two bodies." "See you on the other side, where we will be one. We will be as gods." "...You're insane."
"Humanity was born to kill. This is what God has wanted from the beginning. We are merely the beginning of the great destruction that humanity was destined for." "...You're insane."