This is How You Are Supposed to Feel
...And so this is how you will feel. This is How You Are Supposed to Feel is a project from artist and philosopher Kit Carruthers. It contains a series of articles with the intention to seduce you, convince you to destroy yourself and come into the light. Don't worry, you're in good hands...
Disconnection Notice > Plug Into Your Mind, Plug Into Your Spirit
I'm a little more than interested in the states achieved by meditation, lucid dreaming, and chemicals.
More specifically chemicals. It gets you in touch with your inner self. Your unconscious awakened. Every little incompetent is over analyzed and taken to pieces.
In meditation and guided specific unconscious dreaming, you take one step back into your unconscious self, your awareness of the self expands infinite. You obtain a certain balance, and accept all that is within you.
Let more of your unconscious into your social self, and you will be loved! Love hated to the death, but be honest and you will love yourself and find the people that love you.
Disconnection Notice > It's Time to Wake Up
Taking psychedelics in a proper introspective manner... Alone, eyes closed in meditation or in a guided atmosphere can lead you to truly enlightening states of being.
Psychedelic and dissociative hallucinations turn the internal world into the external world as you step back and observe from the space and lock yourself into the ripples and the flow of the space. Once you're truly there, you have full awareness of your subconscious mechanisms, you can metaprogram yourself, and become aware of all the bullshit backwards notions that have been imposed in you and all the past experiences that have hampered you. And when you come back you throw yourself back into the external world to play with your mind as it interacts with other people's minds and the world around you. But this time, you're conscious, you're awake. Assuming you know what you're doing in there. People can get lost and never return.
Ideally, one would find this state of being through a lifetime of regular meditation, but the general populace doesn't have this kind of patience. They want it now and I understand them. Me too. Until you truly step back into your true self and analyze your mind from that space, you have no true free will. You are a slave to your subconscious mechanisms. Things imposed in you by society, your community, your parents, your friends, your experiences and dysfunctions in your brain chemistry. Once you do this you will realize that nothing is real, not in any way important, nothing except for love and eternal spirit. Money is made up. Property is made up. Borders are made up. Cultures are made up. Not to disrespect the concept of any of the above, we developed them for a reason, but they are a product of our damaged collective psyche. What the hell do you think the hippies were talking about? Many of them felt something the average man don't. The man was afraid, so they made their tools of exploring consciousness illegal. Despite nature clearly putting them here for a reason, it jived with our current mindset...
People go through the motions of day to day life, stuck. 6 billion unconscious fools, going through the motions until they die, unaware of the complex bullshit polluting their mindset.
Once upon a time a bunch of people decided man was not a part of nature, that we were far removed and above it. Two thousand years of us fools viewing everything outside of "civilized" society as a vast wasteland full of diseases, spooky things, gross things, and soulless meat machines. But it doesn't matter because this place is just the ruins of a lost Eden and we only have to be here for a few decades before we can spend eternity in paradise. We're only destroying a planet destined for rapture.
Then we got enlightenment, we got freedom, we got science, but we're still stuck in ways people are never willing to admit. In disposing of Christian what we're stuck in is the mindset that man is disconnected, soulless. For some reason it's in our heads that science is the enemy of spirituality. And that reason is, I think... The Christian spite.
We are not merely made up of dead subatomic matter reacting to create the illusion of consciousness. Nature is not merely made up of dead subatomic matter reacting to create the illusion of life. Something flows through all of us. A universal connection, a collective energy... And it is pure. It is emotional, it doesn't adhere to our conception of logic, however it can be cold and harsh, it follows the rules of the universe. It connects all of us together as one. Humans, animals, plants, air, dirt, distant stars, everything. It is infinity, it was never created and it will never be destroyed. It was with us with the big bang and forever after. It flows through us, it is us and we are it. You are not your brain, your brain is polluted with experiences and education and has been warped around your spark of consciousness to form your personality. You merely utilize your brain, it is not you.
Nature is alive. Everything is alive as one. The eternal soul flows through everything in this universe and binds us all together.
There are two primal emotions in life, love and fear. And there is nothing in this life worth fearing. Be yourself no matter the consequence. Come the worst... Friends lost, friends gained. Trust in synchronicity, the natural flow of the universe, and everything will be fine.
Never mind life, there is nothing in this existence worth fearing. I have a feeling that even in death, everything is fine. Trust me.
Choose love. Wake up. Love your fellow man and fear nothing.
Disconnection Notice > Are We Mirrors?
The potential for insanity is one of the first signs that we are truly intelligent beings.
As our society moves more toward approval of right brained activity now that we need not be focused only on survival, and as diving within the self through study and through drug movements flowers out, we will find some of the answers to our troubles. Troubles we weren't even aware we had. There is a reason most instabilities reside in the right brain. We are the ones who don't get caught up in the details and see the world for what it is, we are the ones who know enough to go mad. How can most people not see that society as a whole is going mad? How our own creation is bringing itself down? Us nut jobs are merely a reflection of the whole, the ones who take the world personally. Insanity exists in order to expose the cracks in the system.
The reflection is best seen in the arts. We understand society and we think nothing of it, and this opinion is becoming more and more validated.
It seems like the only thing stopping this from being realized is our own collective ego, society's defense mechanisms.
I just can't get over the idea that the answers do not all reside in our logic, that we are emotional beings for a reason. That art, theology... Angst, everything abstract, is merely a natural response to reality as it is given. And the bulk of society is still really struggling with the idea that everything might just not adhere to their conceptions of logic. They don't want to acknowledge that logic is our own invention and that there is something much bigger outside of it, some sort of logic that we can't comprehend so it comes out as emotional and abstract. Now, that isn't to say that everything in here is in some form logical, often times it is not. What I am saying is that we have an incomplete set of rules. If you are too left brained you are likely to get locked into society's definition of logic and fail to see the world around you for the way it is. The only way to truly understand the world around you is to go insane.
Insanity is the only sane reaction to an insane society.
Society > It's Weird
Not really. I just like calling things dumb and weird. The following is probably more suitable under "You're Ugly" but I had not yet written it.
This is really weird... Really really weird... It's... It's making me uncomfortable. I gotta get out. I gotta get out!
Did anybody else notice some time recently it was like a competition for which commercials could be the absolute strangest? I get some of them... Some of them are funny. But, like, those Wendy's commercials... What's going on? What the fuck? What are they doing? And the new ones aren't any better... Why do they choose... The words they're choosing... They're all... Off... Why... Why is this advertising company showing everybody their bizarre retardation? They should keep that shit a secret.
And, like, the new Simpsons. It's really weird. I have a lot to say about television, I won't even get into it yet. Some weird stuff is good, I'm not saying all weird is bad. That would make me weird. David Lynch is good weird. And weird can
be funny. It's just... The new Simpsons. It makes me really uncomfortable. What the hell happened?
What the fuck is going on? Why is everybody all into spewing out strangeness all of a sudden? I think everybody's losing it. I think there's some deep internal struggle in our collective unconscious and it's spewing out. Everybody's buggin'. Seriously. No not seriously. But it's trippin' me out in my little solipsistic nightmare dream world where everything fits like a puzzle and the only reason anything happens is in order to give me material.
What why... What why... Stop it. Stop it with your media terrorism.
It's weird... It's weird...
If we're going to continue along with this trend any longer... I don't know, society, I might just need to blow my brains out because all this intense weirdness in my face is about to break me.
The flashy faggots with the afros and all the flashy colours. Richard Simmons. You, Richard Simmons in particular. You're really weird and obnoxious and it's buggin' me out. Not that I got anything against the faggots... I'm bisexual so that means it's blatantly obvious I'm not a faggot and I'm off the hook for any fag jokes. Clearly not a faggot there's no better way to prove you're not a faggot. It's okay you make up a beautiful part of this planet earth I'm just buggin' out. Chill out. It's okay. It's okay. Listen. Listen. Wait... Wait Richard. Wait. Shut up. Shut up Richard! Shut up Richard you whinny fruit!!
I like the flamboyant gay personality type to an extent. Just so long as you don't have an afro... Or are slightly fat and wear tight yellow t-shirts.
Hardcore goths. You're very weird looking. You're dressing up as the sad clown what the fuck.
Clowns. What the fuck. It's all goofy. Honk honk and there's like a gorilla in a little car and the audience is giggling and I'm like what the fuck is going on oh it's a circus and there's bubbles and a lady with a beard and there's people here that aren't with children and these people are laughing at honk honk and I'm in the fetal position giggling like a manic. And if you're a clown and you're really into it you're probably a child molester and this whole clown circus scene is one really fucking strange thing to look at.
It's weird. Okay!? This is weird. This is really weird I'm bugging out. This whole place is like one big fucking circus.
There's a man on the television flushing a toilet and there's thousands of people going hurr hurr. How can you like Married with Children without hyper analyzing your dementia and turning it into pure self loathing? Can't you see what the TV is saying? The TV is saying you're a moron. It's a family of retards it's not funny. I can't watch it. Stuff like that and the new Simpsons... I can't even have it on in the background. Just hearing the words that they say and the way that everything is delivered... It just... It just makes me so uncomfortable I can't even fathom how people can watch this. The new Simpsons... It was the season with the lizards in the bird eggs... And I could tell this writer was really angry at Marge because he just made Marge so unreasonably off the wall naggy. Didn't watch very often after that... Then shortly after I caught the episode with Gary Coleman and that was about it. It's so. Fucking. Weird. I can't get over it. It just makes me so uncomfortable. And it used to be so brilliant.
And half of society can hardly tell the difference. They're just looking at the TV and they know TV makes hurr hurr 'dis 'da part wiff 'da hurr hurr. Sterilize them. Fucking sterilize them I'm telling you. Having all these retards around is making everything really fucking uncomfortable.
We don't need all these retards. You can keep the clowns and the goths and the flashy faggots with afros... I guess. But we don't need all these retards making more retards. Having all these retards around is making everything really really strange. It's the retardations that are the cause of that particular kind of weirdness that just gets under my skin. We should sterilize them. I'm serious. We should. Everything is getting really really uncomfortable because of these retards and I think it's about time we get rid of them so this particular brand of uncomfortable weirdness goes away.
All this weirdness in our society is a sign we're all losing it. Everybody is fucking losin' it, I'm serious.
I'm not serious.
Society > It's Dumb
Ann Coulter and Bill O'Reiley are on the television and people are taking them seriously. Loud people.
George Bush spoke the people and is an idiot. Reagan, Nixon... Idiots. Lovable idiots. The people that hold these opinions are dumb. Why don't the dumb people that love them look at this and understand that they might have a problem? Bill O'Reiley, okay!? Bill O'Reiley and Ann Coulter. Just look at Bill O'Reiley and Ann Coulter what the fuck. What the fuck, man, what the fuck? It's the kind of retard that I can't even really get into the specifics of how they're dumb without feeling all nyuh nyuh nyuh and going too far with the kind of emotional intensity that suggests I really really need this because I'm suffering from some sort of an insecurity and I hurt all the poor retards feelings and everybody's crying and I'm the seething angry guy in the middle of the room screaming and threatening all the crying retards. Doesn't look good to any outside observer.
Democracy is malfunctioning. I'm not some kind of anarchist or anything, no never, our democracies would be working just fine if we didn't have all these retards.
All of your dumb little opinions. All of them. The correct response to all of them is "What why." Gay people can't marry. What why. 'Cause it'll break the family. What why. 'Cause marriage is between a man and a woman. What why. 'Cause Christian. Okay, so... There's fag parents raising a fag baby and this affects your marriage? Yes. 'Cause Christian. See now here's where we run into a bit of a problem... What why works for everything until you hit the point in the argument where it thinks the Christian needs to be applied outwardly. These retards think they're right and everybody else needs to be like these retards. These retards have a bunch of retarded rules and the world is trying to ignore the retards and all the retards are going "Oh God! The world is going to hell we must fix it! Yes! All us idiots! All these intellectuals are the devil! Us retards know the way of truth 9/11 9/11" while blaring their stupid ugly pop-country and having sex with their cousins.
And we have such a quantity of retards on both sides of the religious fence that all us intellectual liberal elites just find ourselves in the middle of a fucking holy war between two packs of idiots with equally backward ideologies.
Okay sterilizing the retards is going to take too long. This is urgent. We need action. What we need is a different kind of eugenics. What we need is death camps.
Society > It's Falling Apart
Hey, okay, you guys bought us all this stuff and now all the money's disappearing and we gotta support this poor person. What the hell, daddy? I thought you said poor people were a drain on our society. Why are you giving money to this poor person, daddy? You should be giving it to us. Daddy... Daddy... My Porsche needs a tuning and we can't afford it so I have to take the bus to school. I have to take the bus like a filthy poor person. Can't you hear me crying, daddy? Can't you hear the children crying for help?
You give us all this stuff and then you take it away from us. Fuck. Whatever. You know the only way we're going to be able to afford all these drugs in this downturn economy is if we sell the Porsche.
Stupid generation x. Stupid '80s. Stupid Reaganomics. Your generation is a failure. The '80s was dumb and ugly we need to forget about it. Stop thinking like that. All the dumbass thought patterns your generation picked up in the '80s are self-destructing. We almost had it in the '60s, then we started losing it in the '70s and got all pissed off, then the '80s happened and we got all what's going on what's happening, then we got pissed off again in the '90s but we weren't really sure what we were pissed off at, and now suddenly we're waking up and going hey wait... What's going on? They defeated us in the '60s and then just went full force into the things we said were stupid and media brainwashed all of us into being dumb and ugly, just like them.
Oh man. These retards. These fucking retards almost had us. Luckily, however, we're in the middle of a "See what happens when you let a bunch of retards run the show?" and it may have snapped a few of us into our senses.
Society > And I Just Don't Know What the Hell to do About It
I just... I just don't know what the hell we're going to do about this...
This is a mess.
Well, actually, I guess the retards gave us alcohol... This retarded tumor (This tumor that you are being exposed to. And cancer is contagious so you have developed this tumor and you need help.) at the core of our society seems to favour the liquor. I prefer a different type of drugs, personally. I mean the liquor works... I have a lot of experience using this method and it's safe to say it works.
You could dive head first into a pile of pillows screaming at the top of your lungs.
I don't know, the options are endless. You do whatever you want.
Personally I would suggest getting locked into a good drug habit.
And on the subject of drugs, not so much the ones that form a habit, and other altered states of consciousness, there are ways to take a good in depth look at your mind and see how your thought processes are working. It's called psychedelics and regular meditation. We need to remove the tumor. Just like the ayahuasca shamans can remove literal tumors.
Through the use of psychedelics you can watch your mind in slow motion and pick out the individual bits while watching your mysterious unconscious unfold in front of your very eyes.
So that's what we're going to do. We're going to hyper analyze all this tension we've bottled up from dealing with the retards, and then we're going to properly recompartmentalize it with a certain awareness and stop floating around in this hazy dream world.
You understand me? This has gone on long enough. You need to wake up.
You need to break free of the constraints that have been put upon you by these retards. Look at yourself. You see the world, don't you? You see the world for what it is. You see the situation that we are in. You see that there are several retards with a different understanding, and you see that your conception is better. Stop trying to pretend to understand them. Stop trying to pretend that the dumbfounded masses are worth anything in particular. Just ignore it. Shun.
We should shun. We should break off all contact. If you find yourself in the middle of a conversation with a devout Christian, what you should probably do is you should punch them in the mouth, because we simply don't need this, we've simply had enough.
It's just too much. It's just too fucking much. It's about time we get real intoxicated and punch Christianity in the fucking face. Beat it. Beat it hard. Because it's not worth understanding. It's retarded. Beat it to the death.
Beat it to the fucking death.
Yeah, maybe I do know what we should do about it. Get real intoxicated and beat the hell out of Christianity. We really don't need it anymore.
You're Ugly > Music
We have the internet now. It's telling you to stop listening to bad music.
Mainstream music has evolved into this plastic sludge. The people who have noticed this have started to listen to surface indie rock. Brilliant acts like The White Stripes. The saviors of rock and roll. Hmph.
However, what I am suggesting to you is that rock and roll music is dead. What we've done is we've made it obsolete. We've flattened it. Mainstream music started to move toward too polished in the '70s, then too polished morphed into too flat in the '80s and synth pop and hip-hop came in to compensate. Then alternative rock came into the mainstream and made one last jab at greatness before we polished and flattened that. Indie rock is still there maintaining rock music's former glory, and it's even evolved it. It's moved rock and roll music in new and thrilling directions. It is time to break free of the constraints of rock and embrace post-rock. Bands such as 65daysofstatic, Blueneck, Sigur Rós, Gregor Samsa, Logh, Redjetson, Surface of Eceon, Crippled Black Phoenix, God is an Astronaut, iLiKETRAiNS, Hood, Ellis The Vacuumchild and Scraps of Tape. 3rd wave post-rock is where you can really see how this is evolution. Some good bands influenced by post-rock are Oceansize, Aereogramme and Envy. Some good old school post-rock is Godspeed You! Black Emperor, Mogwai, Explosions in the Sky, Mono, Yndi Halda, The Samuel Jackson Five, The Evpatoria Report, Saxon Shore, Grails, Caspian, Red Sparowes, Up-C Down-C Left-C Right-C ABC + Start, Daturah, Jakob, Do Make Say Think, A Silver Mt. Zion, Bathyscaphe, Magyar Posse, Laura, This Is Your Captain Speaking, Don't Look Back, September Malevolence, This Will Destroy You, Bossk, Joy Wants Eternity, Sweek, The Ascent of Everest, Gifts From Enola... And I should probably shut up... I could go on forever. Oh and some real old school post-rock and math-rock... Bark Psychosis, Labradford, Tortoise, Slint, Rodan.
Okay so us indie kids need to make sure the evil record industry doesn't take hold of this situation and drive it into the gutter. We have the internet now so what we need to do is we need to keep stealing music so that those puppy molesters have nothing to gain. Otherwise what they're going to do is stifle all these wonderful new acts and repackage indie rock because it's too different for all these people used to listening to flat, boring, irritating radio music.
We're already being stifled. There's all this excellent artwork occurring in the underground, and then there's all this drivel on the radio. The state of music is being misrepresented. We're doing such exciting things with music. We're breaking it. We're nailing every last corner of isn't sound wonderful. We have an evolved music. We have mastered sound. Everything is beautiful.
And there's still all these people floating around in this hazy dream world that says good music sounds like this post-grunge garbage and I'm like what the fuck is going on?
Then there's millions of people who are firmly convinced that this generation can't do anything right. Stupid old people. It's not fair to blame them, really, I mean if they're only exposed to the radio it would make sense that they think the '60s and '70s were better.
What I am about to propose to you, however, is that the future is always better. What's actually currently happening to music, behind the scenes, is it is being refined. It is being refined absolute. We've figured this out. We know sound. We are about to enter a new age of music. One where we understand every corner of it.
We're always getting better. Everything becomes more refined with age. We learn things we get smarter. This generation is actually the best generation. Sorry gramps. I know we're scary but the reason we're scary is we've developed a better outlook than you. We're always smarter than you.
The '60s was fine. You're fine. I got no beef with the '60s. There's a lot of great music from that time. Your minds were in the right place. You know which album needs indie cred? Surrealistic Pillow. Why the hell doesn't Surrealistic Pillow have any indie cred? I am on a mission to give Surrealistic Pillow indie cred.
Sucks for generation x. You grew up in a time where everything was all ugly. Basically, unless you were into the alternative scene, what you're going to need to do is repress everything you've learned in the '80s. The '80s was a bad decade. Bad mindset. All the Reagan and the big hair. The aesthetic of the '80s is not going to stand the test of time. The '80s was a bad decade. If you're upset about the state of music and you're saying it's not like it used to be and what you mean by what it used to be is hair metal, synth pop and primitive hip-hop, what you're going to need to do is shut the ever loving hell up. If you've got Devo, New Order, A Tribe Called Quest or Public Enemy in there, you're good to go you can keep those... But if you're listening to Styx you should probably keep it to yourself.
It's cool. Warbly synth music and hip-hop came out of the '80s... Goth rock. Sonic Youth. It's cool you're cool. I guess.
It's just, like, everybody's all conservative and there's all this big poofy hair and all these bright obnoxious colours... The '80s just epitomizes dumb uncultured Americans to me. Just... Just ugly. Ack. Thinking about the '80s makes me really uncomfortable. Your generation pretty much failed I'm sorry.
You're Ugly > Television, Part One
Okay television, I really hate you. I really fucking hate you. But you're an excellent brainwashing device... I may have to keep you in mind for when I take over the world.
Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert... I just love 'em to the death but I don't know about some of their writers. Some of their writers are a little weird, and maybe even a little dumb... Probably just weird... And, like... It's okay I see what you have to do. You have to appeal to a larger audience... Fine. I guess... It's fine. It's not like they're anywhere near as bad as the new Simpsons.
Mad Men and Breaking Bad are brilliant. And it's just a fucking plane crash who would have seen a plane crash. Excellent red hearing seriously I loved it.
I like Weeds a lot. It's witty and intelligent and there's lots of drugs and Mary-Louise Parker is so fucking hot. Same with Dexter and probably just about every other Showtime drama.
Seinfeld may very well have enhanced my mindset. Taught me better how to analyze people in social situations. Jerry, however, his observational comedy... I love it but sometimes I think he might just be a little crazy... Good crazy I like this crazy. Now, he seems to be going even crazier, and I'm liking his crazy even better.
Friends... It's okay I like it. Chandler is pretty funny and the rest of the cast have their moments. It's just... Phoebe is clearly a "stupid hippies" and then you put that with the fact that it took them until the end of the series to hire a black person and it don't look so good. And there's that episode with the feminist book... That was painful. Oh and when Ross' ex-wife said she was going to marry her lesbian lover it got a good laugh from the crowd.
South Park is amazing. I like what you're doing with Canadians it's amazing. I'm not sure what it is but it's amazing. Is it we flap at the mouth? Well... I am about to flap at the mouth all over this place. Family guy is amazing. I don't care what South Park has to say. The delivery is perfect. Perfect.
Everything on HBO is brilliant...
New Simpsons... What the fuck new Simpsons what the fuck. Matt Groening, what the hell did you do it Matt Greoening? Was it because you split up all your writers with Futurama? Which is... Which is pretty cool, I guess. It's okay I guess. Better than the new Simpsons. Now, the new Simpsons... One time I caught an episode and Lenny pulled this face that just made me absolutely cringe and it's just that kind of in face weirdness I simply haven't got a tolerance for. What the hell did you do to it? It used to be so brilliant... What happened? What have you done, Matt Groening, what have you done!? What the hell have you done? Did you hire a retard!? Did you...? Orrr... Did you start playing a more significant role in the writing. Hm? What the hell happened?
And now King of the Hill is doing the same thing that the Simpsons did and I'm like what the fuuck...
Is it FOX?
It's FOX I think it's FOX... FOX with all their retards on FOX News obviously thought we need more retards in the rest of FOX Broadcasting. I'm developing a complex conspiracy theory about the FOX executives and the New World Order, basically it's that they're all drunk and having a ball figuring out how to keep the people stupid.
I want to say something about all the sitcoms with the picture perfect wife and the picture perfect family and the pig husband, but, like, it seems kind of silly... You can kill them but two more will take their place.
Honestly, if I'm watching television I mostly just catch myself watching reruns of comedy shows. I've seen every episode of Seinfeld about 20 times... I usually only ever really have it on in the background and I'm better off with music. You know what, television? I think I'm pretty much done with... I don't know if I'm really going to bother with you anymore. I think if I'm watching television it's just going to be the news... Stewart, Colbert, BBC, CBC... CNN... Good thing I don't get FOX News
otherwise I might end up watching FOX News
and have an early stress related heart attack.
You're Ugly > Film
The state of Hollywood film is declining. Yessir... I think you may have noticed.
You know what? I wish piracy could take down the film industry as well... This entire thing needs a rearranging. All the formats seem to be getting stale and repetitive... We may just need a new film industry altogether.
It's cool there's explosions and car chases that's great. If you can stare at a dumb piece of shit with occasional explosions for two hours. It's cool if they're dumb but they're really good, I guess... Like... The Terminator series. I guess. But wouldn't it be better if we had movies that were well written and there were lots of explosions? Why do we let all this redundant hogwash through the media filter? If it's good enough to be given a lot of attention it should be, like, good. I get it I get it it's for the retards the retards don't know what's going on if everything isn't extremely simple and dull-witted. See, now, we don't need these retards.
And how do you sit for two hours of cheap horror? All it does is make loud noises and come at you with flashing images. It's hardly even eerie or anything it's just a bunch of idiots who encounter a series of startling noises and images for two hours. It's annoying. It's not entertaining it's annoying. Why don't we make it so that it really grips you and then startles you?
Scary Movie and Meet the Spartans... I don't even need to watch Meet the Spartans to know that it is just horrible. Just the absolute embodiment of trash. Too dumb for me to even make fun of, really. I hate this brand of parody I hate it so much. Half the time the punch line of the joke is that it resembles something said in the movie. Hur hur I recognize 'dat part! The other half of the time the punch line of the joke is that the person thinks something really unreasonably dumb. It just bothers me. I can't watch a movie full of retards I'm sorry. And! And... It's weird. This is clearly for the retards, I hate the retards...
Why was there more than one time travel romance movie out in the past three years? What the hell? That was random.
There's this particular style of writing, which may honestly be utilized more often in television... Everywhere, obviously. Wherever idiots gather to write. It's... Everybody who isn't the main character is extremely unreasonable and in the characters face and is always about to do something really stupid and unreasonable and just fuck the main character up for extremely unreasonable reasons. It bothers me. It really really bothers me... It bothers me to this particular degree because I think I see what's going on here, and I suffer from this as well. It's everybody in their head is extremely unreasonable and about to do something really stupid and unreasonable and just fuck them up for extremely unreasonable reasons. However, when I'm writing I can see past this and write characters who are reasonable and do things to fuck the main character up that are reasonable and therefore more gripping. I can't help but wonder if these people are simply too dumb to see past this "everybody is extremely unreasonable" dysfunction in regular day to day life and they just think this is the way reality works.
This can't go on for much longer... It's too stale. People are going to notice. The retards won't be running the show for much longer. I am depending on the collapse of the Hollywood film industry.
You're Ugly > Television, Part Two
Commercials are mind numbing. They literally numb you. I watch myself get really irritated by some new commercial and then gradually get desensitized to it and just accept it as normal.
Why do they put sports stars in commercials if they can't act and all they're going to do is sit there with a glazed look on their face and deliver in a very uncomfortable manner? What's the point? God damn sports related brainwashing for dimwits. Durr I like to look at the sports people I wanna be like the sports people.
McDonalds, why did you change your slogan to "I'm lovin' it" and make everything all urban? Why does McDonalds need to be urban? So, this advertising executive figured McDonalds was more appealing to white people and they should try and draw in more of the negro market. Like the episode of Mad Men where Peter is trying to sell televisions to the negro market. And then this person went and chose the slogan "I'm lovin' it." The first time I saw it, it made me want to wretch, and it's been going for, like, half a decade and I can't even say I've been that desensitized to it like I have with all the other ones. This one stands out the most. Every time I hear the words "I'm lovin' it" I get pissed off. McDonalds is making how much money, and they hire this retard? This retard that thinks they could draw in more of the black market if their advertising campaign was blacker. The black people are going to say finally a restaurant that appeals to my urban upbringing. I demand to see some statistics post-I'm lovin' it. If their campaign was a success... If they opened up to a whole new black market... I swear to god if their campaign was a success I'm just gonna... I'm just gonna... I'm just going to fucking lose it. I'm just going to fuckng lose it all over everybody.
Why are commercials getting really weird? I think you already know where I stand... I remember the first time I saw that Wendy's commercial where everybody's kicking a tree and he's wearing a wig, and I was like... Is it... A metaphor? Then I saw some of the other ones, and I can't help but think it's, like, a dream... Is it a dream? If they're supposed to be a dream, then, okay... I guess. Okay... If not, then, well... Then I really don't know about the person in charge of this campaign. The new ones, the Wendy's girl makes some very strange associations... Her monologue is very strange. I think Wendy is a little off. I think somebody at this advertising agency is a little off.
Car commercials have sweet music. I remember once I heard Modest Mouse on a car commercial and I was already into them when they were all indie and I was like shit I need to find ways to subtly declare I was all into them before they took off. Their newer stuff is okay... I like Lonesome Crowded West and This is a Long Drive for Someone with Nothing to Think About the best... Moon and Antarctica follows closely.
Perfume commercials can be a little uncomfortable to watch. They can be a little... Over dramatic. A little... Artsy dramatic. But now I can't really see any other way to do a perfume commercial than the way they do perfume commercials so I guess we're stuck. We're just stuck, I'm sorry.
I want all these products that cut and mix all your food together in one quick step or whatever else... But if you have to call in and order a specialty product, or even if you bought the specialty product at a store, you basically have to be a lunatic... A bored housewife lunatic. I don't really want to look like a bored housewife lunatic. That sucks.
You put the same ad twice in the same commercial break. You put the same ad twice in the same commercial break! You're trying to brainwash us, what the fuuu...
A lot of commercials seem redundant. I can't wait until we have some sort of future internet/TV hybrid... Then maybe we can have a more manageable flow of advertisements flying in our face. Everybody has a DVR and skips them... Nobody even pays attention to the commercials when they're playing. If you're sitting there watching commercials and it isn't some kind of clever or funny advertisement that you've seen under three times, you're wasting time. If you're sitting there watching hours and hours of television and you're just staring blankly at the commercials, you're wasting a hell of a lot of time. Over the span of your whole life, that's, like, years... See, now, what happens to you in this state is the advertisements enter your subconscious mind. BAM! You need BAM! so much we're going to show it to you twice in the same commercial break BAM! Oh my god every single commercial on that television is just so demented... Just so god damn weird and demented... I just want it to stop. I like that BAM commercial however.
You're Ugly > Architecture
We are drowning in bulky plastic and ugly cookie cutter monstrosities we erected en masse in the '60s and '70s.
When I was living in Brandon, Canad Inns made an 11 story monstrosity with vinyl siding and then erected a big flood light to direct everybody to their big vinyl monstrosity and make everybody pay more attention to their big vinyl monstrosity. They did something similar in Portage La Prairie. Every new Canad Inns building is really ugly. Really really ugly.
Why don't you hire a professional opinion for these big projects? Somebody who approves the design of anything this large before it goes to pass instead of letting every cheap piece of crap blemish the skyline. How do big projects get built if they just look so ugly? Don't you understand that your city's skyline is tainted?
Why do we settle for all these fast food restaurants and gas stations making our streets ugly? The big ugly plastic ones. There's nothing appealing about that. Why can't you at least make it out of brick or something? Use a bit less obnoxious plastic all over the place. Maybe use metal. Glowy signs and metal instead of plastic or vinyl or whatever. Bulky plastic is cheap and tacky. I'm trying to stare at the pretty buildings but out of the corner of my eye this plastic monstrosity is just ruining everything. I demand it be removed.
Plastic and vinyl. Eyugh...
Don't even get me started on the architecture of Winnipeg... Other than all the buildings from the turn of the century... That's about the only thing we've got going for us at the moment...
Basically anything we built in the '60s was a bad idea. Suddenly we have an ass load of buildings going up so it's no big deal if they're all cookie cutter. Just imagine if the '60s took over. Ooo yeah that would be bleak.
I like the west coast. If you're not going to put a lot of money into it the least you can do is make the exterior all glass. We need more glass in the rest of our hemisphere. Big walls of glass. Drown it in glass.
You're Ugly > Cars
Never would have learned a thing about cars if it weren't for my ex-roommate... I don't even have my license. I can drive I just don't have a license. Failed the test for stupid reasons too many times in a row, figured I can spend the money elsewhere than a car anyway and gave up. So I never bother to renew my card and this one bitch at the liquor store keeps enforcing this rule on me that if I don't have the new license with all the holograms they won't sell me liquor. It's stupid. It's so stupid. Last I heard the law is that if you're over 18 you're fine, but they need to inconvenience me by so militantly enforcing this minor detail. I called her a cunt. I get a little moody when I'm sober.
I learned that rice rockets are lame and American muscle is the best. Yeah, he got me thinking... Why in the hell would you want to shovel assloads of money into an economy car made out of plastic when you can get a decent looking car with lots of pep for about the same amount of money? Fuck gas mileage. Gas mileage shouldn't even be factoring in when you're buying a sports car. Why doesn't Japan just build a decent sports car?
I used to think SUVs were stupid but now I like 'em.
I want an Aston Martin... I'm'a bulletproof it. And a GTO convertible... The Aston Martin in black and the GTO in silver.
Expand Your Miiind... > Phenethylamine I: Ecstasy
MDMA, methylenedioxymethamphetamine, is a synthetic phenethylamine. To make ecstasy, it is often put in a cocktail with methamphetamine, piperizines or other stimulants, or in rarer cases dissociative psychedelics such as ketamine or DXM. And sometimes acetaminophen, which if you're an addict who takes 10 pills in one night will explode your liver. It isn't the smartest drug to become addicted to... Like psychedelics, the tolerance curve is exponential. In some cases one may come across powdered Molly, or pure MDMA. In many cases phenethylamines such as MDA or a variety of others may be sold in Ecstasy. Twisting the phenethylamine into ecstasy creates an empathogenic and stimulating effect, and more importantly, much like many other phenethylamines it is a major euphoriant.
Under the spell of an empathenogen, one is more open and understanding of the thoughts and feelings of others. While stimulated, an enhanced, cut the bullshit version of yourself shines through. Existence is bliss, everything is bliss, you simply cannot figure out how to not like anything.
And as with anything phenethylamine, you are more drawn to your nature and therefore more connected to the wave vibrations of the universe, the divine energy that is in all of us.
Revolt! Rise Up! Castrate! > So We Were Given, and So We Shall Betray
So God has given unto us this beautiful planet, and all of it's treasures, so it is for us to embrace. Embrace your political freedoms! Embrace your right to life! Thou ist meant to live and be free. Thou hast been given this beautiful planet, and it is being taken right from thine hands and thou ist being made numb to it. Brainwashed and zombified!
Until you explore deep within you are a slave to your subconscious mechanisms. You would be disgusted at how your brain has been polluted by such destructive things as social norms, historical fables, the rules... Things developed by famous thinkers smarter than yourselves, but famous thinkers that were stuck in the ways their times dictate and other such subconscious bias none the less.
We are drowned in static. We are drowned in reverb... Haze... We are drowned in sensory overload. And this sample loops over again. And again. And again and again and again... It's beautiful... It's beautiful. Absorb the trance... Absorb the trance... Absorb this mindless drivel. Go numb. Take it. Take it, bitch! What the TV says is what you says, what the radio sings is what you sing, what the mannequin wears is what you wear. Just ignore the fact that we have shown you the same ad twice in the same commercial break, just ignore the wall filled with the same advertisement over and over again, just ignore the naked ice lady on the coke machine, just let the messages seep into your subconscious mind and absorb the wonder that is consumerism... Absorb the trance like it was what you were born to do. It's beautiful. This is beautiful.
Society is a pretty retard. Society is losin' it like you wouldn't believe. Society is running manic and it's caretakers have been seduced by it's insanity. This mental hospital is in disorder. This mental hospital is about to be foreclosed! When the inevitable time comes, my psychiatric advice to you, society, is kill yourself. Just fucking kill yourself.
The history of this culture is mentally ill! Psychologically disturbed!
You can't do anything about it. Your every belief and view has been categorized by society and put in a ledger. This structure has us labeled and therefore discredited.
This structure that is beautiful in concept, but this concept is not being implemented in a proper manner.
And you don't even give a shit. You don't even think about it.
Benzodiazepine is encoded into our genetics.
We are mentally ill! We are stuck in the head! Stuck in righteous belief systems that contradict the very way of life!
We're stuck in the head... There's something broken, there's something missing...
We have been indoctrinated! Our minds have been polluted with dirty, filthy lies!
We must say no more! No more!!
So God has given unto us this beautiful planet and all of it's treasures, so we shall embrace!
So we shall embrace!!
The Walls Are Caving In > The Conspiracy to Elect George W. Bush
Don't worry Americans, you're not that stupid. You are clearly very stupid but you are not that stupid, you never elected George W. Bush.
FOX News... The media... I believe I may have already made my point on this particular incident.
How come nobody shot him? Couldn't even get any attention calling for impeachment... He just illegally took over the country. He just illegally took over the fucking country and nobody can get a fucking word in calling for impeachment. Meanwhile a president gets a blowjob and everybody was calling for impeachment. They're making their corruption very blatant.
And then it was so obvious that he was out of there I mean just look at this this is ridiculous. We should have had him. We would have had him. If we had Howard Dean we would have had him. Or John Edwards. But we had John Kerry, which then dropped support for the Democrats enough so they could fix the vote. Yeah we needed Dean. Dean would have been the most likely person to get elected given the candidates. I love Howard Dean. He's charming. And smart.
The man gets a little passionate, it's brilliant, but then the media gets a hold of it and everybody is all like "Yeah... Yeah you really shouldn't yell. Yelling is rude and obnoxious." Yeah we can't have this angry lunatic he's clearly going to take us somewhere exciting. You know who we should probably go with is this droning, dull witted, charmless Easter Island head without much of anything really all that interesting going for him at all. One of the least likely candidates to get us elected. Who we need is John Kerry. No we can't have Dean running the party... He's clearly going to take back the White House!! YEAH!!! We can't have somebody with such passion in such a position of authority... Passion is dangerous. We should lambaste the hell out of him in the media because he's clearly some sort of angry nut job who therefore can't see straight. Never mind what he said the man is clearly very crazy I mean he was yelling like a lunatic. But in actuality it's a good thing Dean never made it. If Dean became the president of the United States, then, well, obviously we wouldn't have Obama. And we can not have that. The New World Order knows what they're doing...
Yeah how did Kerry even get in there? Fraud! The New World Order put him there because obviously they needed Bush and they thought the concept of John Kerry running for the president of the United States and losing to George fucking Bush was hilarious. They clearly have a good sense of humour I mean look at FOX News.
I'm really sorry, John Kerry. You're a good guy.
The Walls are Caving In > The World Trade Center Collapse
I remember where I was when 9/11 took place. I was about to leave for school. It was kind of surreal... But it didn't reach it's peak until I came home and found my mother was still watching and it turns out the trade centers fell.
They fell. They just fell.
And I went "huh."
There's something fishy going on here...
Haha they cut to Bush and he's reading to children. He's just reading to children. The New World Order is hilarious. He's reading to children he's perfectly innocent.
Love the Lord Thy God With all Thy Heart, and With All Thy Soul, and With All Thy Mind, and With All Thy Strength > Synchronicity
"Synchronicity" is the term Carl Jung coined in order to explain meaningful coincidence. Meaningful coincidences that are the result of universal wave vibrations interconnected with our unconscious minds. Synchronicity creates a pattern, which somebody with a particular talent is capable of observing and even manipulating. This pattern is God.
What I am going to do is I am going to prove this concept of synchronicity to you. After you read this story you will no longer be an atheist... Unless I'm lyin'.
In order to prove to you how this is something that I know, not just something that I believe but something that I know, I am essentially going to have to tell you my entire life story. I go off on a few tangents but it is all very important information. Every little moment is perfect. Everything is right until absolute breaking point and then released. The chance meetings are impeccable. I am surrounded by ridiculous amounts of rape. Too much rape. Too many extremely unreasonable people right up in my face. Too many beautiful moments obliterated by tragedy that makes one question the stability of oneself when one is floating around in a happy land where everything is perfect. 11:11. And highly reinforcing psychic phenomena. And... Let's call it... Automatic writing...
Too many coincidences. This is a joke on me, right? You all know something and it's that you're not real and this is a joke on me. I mean, it's just... It's just too much. I mean... I mean what's going on? Who's doing this? How is this all... Who's doing this!? Does it... Is it... Is it... Is it speaking to me? Is it pointing? Making faces?
This whole thing is just one big joke on me. This is my solipsistic nightmare, this can't be real... Yeah. Yeah there's a joke on me alright, and there's a joke on you too, you... person who most likely exists, but you don't get to understand the punch line... Yet. It's karma. The punch line is karma.
I declared myself an atheist because I was pissed off at God for all the little things around age 10. It was my bowling score. The thing that finally did it in was my 5-pin bowling score. I was bowling, like, 200, sometimes 300... Then we have this tournament and I'm bowling like a 60. And I would be up there holding the ball analyzing all my tension trying to achieve some sort of bowler's zen state and I would think I'm honestly not that nervous this is supposed to be fun I'm just so pissed off at God, not so much myself, for making this happen in front of all these people. Right then I would throw the ball and it would go straight into the gutter. It's not like I cared that much about bowling, it's just... It's just the little things. So I was an atheist. I would still fantasize about the afterlife but I would eventually talk myself down to no you're dead you're just dead in the dirt! It can't be! Dead in the dirt! Yet I would pray to God whenever I was feeling particularly anxious over something... Eventually I had long elaborate fantasies about talking to the ghosts of my dead grandparents in the afterlife, and at the end I would ask them to relay certain requests and thank yous to God since we weren't on speaking terms. Then I started to have long elaborate fantasies about my dead cat... Then I asked him to give the message to God. I honestly favoured my dead cat. Got bored of grandma and grandpa. No offense, it's just... It's just... With the death of a human I can hardly give a shit, especially an old human, but I just really really wanted my cute little kitty back he's probably so scared. So there I was, a 12-year-old atheist practicing ancestor worship of his dead cat. Then by age 13 I decided I may want to become an agnostic. A few years later I even decided to stop praying to my dead kitty... I figured just in case he's there and he misses my good nights. I decided that I guess maybe outside of my own head I can declare something as crazy as I may believe in God. I stayed agnostic until I had a few experiences with psilocybin and LSD and gradually came into the light. Eventually I got into studying Buddhism, Taoism, Shamanism, Hinduism, Gnostic Christianity... Like a typical druggie. I decided to declare myself a Pantheist and Neurotheologist who believes in reincarnation and there I will stay. I believe we always reincarnate as humans and that a tree doesn't have a brain so you most certainly can not reincarnate as a tree. As for why one can not reincarnate into a bird... I have my reasons, I will get into them in a future article. So I believe in God. Not only do I believe in God but I am steadfast psychedelic preacher man. Ahead of you is the insanity that naturally follows the declaration of I am steadfast psychedelic preacher man...
My entire life I have been confronted with situations with very eerie timing. Right before I had just about enough of all those military douche wads I still hung out with for some reason after my friend in the military moved, I got to leave... I was about to be a candidate for a school shooting I'm serious. I was borderline suicidal... Had a very long and intricate fantasy about beating one of the bullies with a baseball bat. So much repressed tension I swear to god once high school came I was at absolute breaking point. I just couldn't take it anymore being the quiet kid in class I was just gonna shoot the motherfucker up. Right there. Right at breaking point. Then my father gets a job in Brandon
and we're forced to move to Brandon
where I finally had a chance to become a normal kid who was socially well adapted, in Brandon
, and I can finally use this personality that the internet people burnt me with. In Brandon
... I had friends that I liked and it was beautiful. And I loved the pretty hills and I just loved everything. And I realized I want to study psychology instead of computer science... And I realize I am hardcore right brained and I'm not sure I would have got along with any of those IT tech heads anyway. I decided I wanted to study psychology because, like, the mind. The mind is cool. I like the sound of it just saying it. The mind. It's cool I like it I want this one. Now, see, the thing is... Small towns. Small towns with the gossip. I hate it. If you live in a small town, or apparently even a city of up to 40 000, there's something very evil and scary in your psychology and we need to root it out so we can destroy it. But other than gossip, everything is just great. And karma delivers to me this beautiful stoner whore princess, who for some reason wants to sleep with fat ugly Rob with his Fabio hair two thirds of the way down his back. She was my biggest crush in the school and now she's suddenly coming on to me. Everything was unreasonably beautiful. Can't have that... Something is wrong. Something is missing. I pull some stupid line... "You would. I'm spectacular." and then continue to be quiet despite her advances. And I'm, like, really? We're going to take all these clothes off and there's going to be fat, you know that. You're attracted to fat man, you know that. You're into squirrelly fat nerds? Seriously you're an absurdly hot, evil looking, stoner who wears lots of eye makeup, literally like the hottest girl in school, to me, and you're attracted to fat nerds is this real? Then I lost a lot of weight and never went after her. Even though she was so hot. She wasn't the brightest bulb, she wasn't entirely stupid but I didn't see any reason for a relationship, and I'm much too timid to approach casual sex, but she was just so fucking hot and I could have had her if I wasn't so timid. I honestly found her to be the most attractive woman in school, and I never even told anybody I had a serious crush. Then suddenly she's rubbing my leg in class and I just don't know what the hell to do. I don't know what the hell to say. I can't. It's too much. I just froze up.
And I am still a virgin. Yup. Mhmm... This handsome charmer is still a virgin. You can laugh all you want I'm still cooler than you are. And anybody who has the gall to laugh at Kit Carruthers I swear to God I swear to fucking God... I've justified it: I can't have sex with any of these people. These people are all idiots. I'm never going to be able to stop thinking about how I'm having sex with a retard. I most certainly can not have sex with a retard. Actually it's mostly my inability to express vulnerability. Somebody, please, save me! Save me... I know who you are. I see what's coming. I see the future I know it's you. Seriously! I'm not just trying to set up a pickup line. I've been getting these flash thoughts and elaborate fantasies of feelings and imagery of you coming into my apartment and I'm all dark and gothic with all sorts of candles before I was ever really all that dark and gothic, but I wanted to be, didn't know if I ever would but I wanted to be, I did not know and understand every element of dark and gothic but I knew I wanted to be complex... Now the images are getting much more clear, yeah... It wasn't just an elaborate fantasy. The candles aren't pure gothic anymore, closer to Buddhist hippy with a slight touch of gothic now that I have a more sophisticated understanding of candles and trip atmosphere... I know it's real, I know you're coming. Just like "Boy do I ever wish I were one of those kids with divorced parents. That would have given me more drama." was not an elaborate fantasy. My parents who have shown me absolutely no signs of having trouble, a few isolated fights here and there but they always get over it before they went to bed. Ew parental makeup sex. I was festering on it for months and the phone was ringing and I just got this intense vibe. It was intense. I just knew it, I knew this was it. For some reason I just knew it. I pick up the phone, and it's my Dad... "Son... We need to talk." Kit Carruthers always gets what he wants. And Kit Carruthers has developed entitlement issues.
This was when I was living in the University of Manitoba dormitory in Winnipeg. I got myself right out of Brandon right before small town boredom was about to hit mall shoot up killing spree, I'll tell ya'. I was going to go to the dormitories and I was going to be all social and then I got there and I was all like "Wait a minute... These are all small town fuckweasels, just like the ones I hated in Brandon... What the fuck was I thinking with this being my social breakthrough that gets me into the cool kid parties." And how many fucking times I sat alone in that dining room like an idiot... Looking at the weird foreign kid sitting alone across the room. Why... Why didn't I just bring my food to my room like the other rejects? I was all like... Look at me be lonely. I'm dark don't you want to talk to me? Isn't this the part where life just completes itself just like it always has? And then it did! And I blew a perfectly golden opportunity to snag a few cool hippy stoner friends and maybe get myself a more reliable marijuana hookup. I had only smoked marijuana like three times and hardly even got that high... Then I went in for three huge bong rips this one time and the room was spinning and I sat in the chair huddled in the fetal position for hours giggling hysterically like a manic at the concept of the man sitting next to me and giving him the evilest of looks. I wanted to stop but I couldn't help it. I had the golden opportunity for a better marijuana experience, oh and more friends, but I was going schizoid marbles so I wasted it.
And good thing I wasted it. Because if I had not built up all this darkness and then lost it I would not have come to this grand epic conclusion that we are all losing it and society would be fucked forever.
So I am festering alone in my room making evil dark ambient meets abrasiveness industrial noise music, channeling my inner rage and finally coming to the conclusion that I could actually be a really good musician. Yeah I'm going to do some music... Do not worry, any possible Russell Crowe image here has been completely covered up. You will get to read how. I know what I am doing. I was already kind of thinking that I could be a good musician but now I'm really thinking that I could be a good musician. Yeah, the tones and textures... I nail it. Those strings. I nailed it. I tweaked every filter to absolute perfection. Texture. Man. And I know I'm psychic. I already knew it but that one was too perfect... It was abuse. . What happened, was my mother was seeing a psychotherapist, and she uncovered memories of repressed abuse as a child. And given this and everything else the poor woman has been through, she's is taking feminism to partial man hating and they are having a peaceful separation. My mother moves out. At this point I started to question everything she has taught me about feminism (No not really. Too smart to do that kind of thing. Yup. Mhm. Never questioning feminism. Mhmm. I was actually quite sympathetic towards her at the time. I obviously have nothing to say against the school of thought, but, like, so far I have only met one feminist that couldn't be annoying. I may have only met one person ever who couldn't be annoying. But she's dead now, so... I'm all alone with "them" now. I won't get into any details just yet.) and I may have developed an, at the time somewhat repressed, "Stupid overemotional woman!!" that was yet to fully flower out until she comes back at me later with all sorts of wah wah drugs 'r bad.
Then I'm really just about to break and shoot up the dining room and finally my friend from Brandon comes at me with a roommate proposition. He is taking me up on my past offer, as expected. Excellent, just in time as usual. And he is a marijuana smoker who is outgoing enough to find a drug dealer so I will finally be able to kick start my daily marijuana habit and return to magic mushrooms with a much higher dosage. I go back to Brandon for the summer and I am hanging out with my friends with the knowledge that me and my buddy are going to be pot smoking roommates and suddenly my parents come and tell me they're getting back together. Oh. Okay. Cool. Everything back to normal. Enter fairytale dream world. There isn't any more parental drama after this, but I assure you happy land is about to be crushed. And do not even get me started on the drama with the crazy Mennonites... Yet. I go back downstairs and tell my friends the good news and one of them says all jokingly "Oh... Rob... You never even told us your parents were having any trouble." It was hilarious it was perfect. And then I was all like "Oh. I, uh... I guess I must have forgot... Yeeahh... Whoops."
So I am about three months into happy land with all the marijuana, the living with my friend and the happy parents when my passive aggressive Jew rat roommate with Jew rat hair tells me his fat psycho girlfriend, that he hates, and everybody else hates, and he was just about to break up with, either needs to move in or her and my roommate might just have to end their relationship. Whthfuhh... Fine. Fine. Not the ultimate party house of the future you had planned, man. With your two idiot (beyond idiot) friends, one of whom is the guy I couldn't stop laughing at; and me, your nutcase friend; with you sitting in the corner laughing at everybody and passive aggressively calling them all absurd nitwits. Now we need to include psycho girlfriend that he can passive aggressively call an absurd psycho nitwit to enter the room and make everybody uncomfortable. I probably would have shot the place up anyway. Once we were tripping on shrooms and he's sitting there giggling to himself and the man I couldn't stop laughing at says something and my roommate says "And he's just retarded." And about this mushroom trip... We're walking home and everything's all cool but apparently we're just freaking out. Because our trip captain left us, and my roommate is all we need a trip captain we need a trip captain for such high doses. 4 grams we obviously need a trip captain. We need somebody with some experience and a level head who can guide us. I said something like... "You know those other guys they wander, they'll find some more interesting people to hang out with and they won't be back." Which was true they won't be back. I sensed the atmosphere on the hill was getting a little evil and we should get back home to our marijuana so I may have been very insistent. My roommate took this as "I'M FREAKIN' OUT I GOTTA GET OUT" and the whole long walk home he wouldn't shut up about how everybody was freakin' out and I was trying to get him to calm down so I could explain a few things to him, but I was just freakin' out. Me and the guy I couldn't stop laughing at were both very calm, by the way. Kind of an important part of the story... Didn't really seem like there was anything bothering either of us. By the time we get home he gets a call from the other two saying one of them had a bit of a freak-out. He was on a much higher dose and he freaked out. And my roommate's all like HAHA HE FREAKED OUT HE JUST FREAKED OUT HAHA OH (trip masta's friend) HAHA, HEY WAIT WE ALL TOOK THE SAME KIND OF MUSHROOMS AND WE'RE ALL FREAKIN' OUT HEY THAT'S FUNNY. And he's trying to fill the room with all his sober friends so I gotta get the fuck out and finish the trip in my bedroom away from my roommate and all the sober people. I come back later to steal the modem and somebody, it was either my roommate, the one I couldn't stop laughing at, other retard or ginger... I wanted it to be my roommate so I could extra make fun of it because he'd be all passive aggressive but I can't remember who says what or how the subject of Gears of War became conversed... I say something like "No. No... That's enough evil for all of you today." and on my walk back to the room I heard one of his sober friends, the one I may have left a very weird impression on because I called him a tide commercial like 3 times too many with emotional intensity the first time we were tripping because of the khaki shorts and the golf shirt and the red hair, getting all dirty rolling around in the mud on magic mushrooms (like a little freak, you trip like a freak) with your hot mom coming to rescue you with two scoops of tide. Haha you look like you're 12, ginger. And every time I came at you with awkward it would be with intensity because I was on a second come up and I was nervous about... stuff. Yeah I don't do that kind of thing anymore. Sorry. It wasn't even my joke it was the trip masta' and my roommate's. Oh man it's so good. But yeah it wasn't even my joke that makes it extra lame... And then there were a few other times where I may have lashed out at you with unnecessary hostility and taken it to the utmost extremes with emotional intensity for no reason in a drugged up, drunken stupor and I don't know why. I would just mutter something out that would suggest I was going absolutely hardcore on your ass for no particular reason and I wouldn't even realize what I've said until I was half way into saying it. The only one I kinda remember... Something about you going in for a pretzel you just dropped on the floor and I was all like "Yeah you just scrounge around for that pretzel in the dirt like the dirty little dirt weasel you are you worthless piece of shit." I'm sorry man I didn't do this to very many other people. At least I didn't know why ... I have figured it out, as of writing this article. It was ginger. Or it was all the repressed hostility due to the fact that I lashed out at you for no reason that once and you pulled a hilarious face that pwnt me. And I would keep lashing out at you and you would keep pulling this face. And I just wanted to see this face. And hurt you for ever catching me in a moment of weakness. Anyway, uhh, he said "weird guy" and my roommate just flies off into "Yeah he's got some pretty serious emotional problems." with extra intensity because everybody was freakin' out and, like, I'm right here I mean come on you haven't even heard the door close yet. You have no idea how to send a paranoid schizophrenic into delusional looptyland. Not that you're wrong. I'm just pissed that you could say it behind my back but not to my face. It's cool man you're hilarious you'll be fine. One day I tell him how I was going paranoid delusional over him and his girlfriend and he was all like sorry I didn't realize we were projecting that. And he says "See, sometimes I put a wall up." and he walks out and that's the last I ever heard of him... Except for a series of Facebook messages in which I accused his girlfriend of accessing my Facebook account and sending me a message from my own account telling me to die in a fire. I thought she was the most convincing lead, I mean she's a nut and my password could be in their computer since it was the main room computer, but then there was one other one that I thought of that may be a little more convincing. Maybe. She's still on file. And this guy did in fact select the ultimate retards. I was the second most ultimate crazy person in his house of dysfunctions... Third! Third. It's actually third, you loonytic. Or first. Maybe first but based on what you knew I should be third. Oh, and he made friends with a midget in a wheelchair. He was gangsta. I don't know if you've noticed, man, but you're surrounding yourself with freaks. Nah it's cool the midget was cool. More level headed than most of the people he hung around with. Nah it's cool midget you're cool... Same with the guy I couldn't stop laughing at and the other retard. Wouldn't want to piss off a retard... There's nothing scarier than a thrashing angry retard. No really it's cool you're good guys. Mostly the one I couldn't stop laughing at. Turns out I actually quite like the concept of the one I couldn't stop laughing at.
By the way, ex-roommate, I know the ringtone you assigned for me was "durp dee durp." You said it was "artsy" like me but anybody can clearly tell it was "durp dee durp."
Okay I just wrote a huge paragraph about my poor roommate's now rather public disability. Trust me, that was all necessary. Anything I can do to outline my living situation while happy land self destructed.
I'm sorry, man. I'm really really sorry. I love you man I love you. If you have a rebuttal, I can make it public.
While I was living with my roommate, the both of us discovered the 11:11 phenomenon. We were both looking at the clock when it displayed 11:11 an inordinate amount of times. I spun out looking for answers... He pretty much just phased it... Looked at me a little funny for telling him I looked it up on the internet. Not overly funny, could have been more of a concerned trepidation but I like being hard on the guy. I don't know why he looked at me funny it's not like I was giving him the impression that I think these websites are the word of God. I have a lot to say about 11:11, I will get more into it in a future article...
I started seeing it everywhere. Everywhere. My head would practically snap and make me look at a street address if it was a repeating digit. Playing RPGs, I play RPGs, I love Final Fantasy VIII the best I don't care what any of you say, the atmosphere was so perfect, and there's a brilliant plot point in there if you read between the lines, you nitwits... Rinoa is Ultimicia you nitwits. I mean with all the flashing images at the end of Rinoa's face turning into Ultimicia's face while Squall is wandering around in some time compressed desert. And whatever you name Squall's ring that you give to Rinoa is the name of the big lion beast thing Ultimicia summons at the end. I mean come on it practically gives it to you. Otherwise I liked Final Fantasy VII's plot line better... Fuck time travel I hate time travel. But the way you didn't know anything about time travel until you suddenly find out about Esthar with all the high tech gadgets and their big metropolis and their moon base half way through the game. Plot twists! Plot twists are a good way to hide bad writing. But it's okay they're really cool and Final Fantasy is quite well written. Esthar was wicked that was fucking wicked. And you don't really know if Squall makes it out alive at the end. Genius. They pretty much tell you he makes it out alive. Lame. Lame happy ending lame. Also, Final Fantasy VII had a reference to My Bloody Valentine and to The Velvet Underground and I just wanted to point that out because it is sweet. I don't know if this tangent was anything particularly useful. Uhh... Um. I won't do it again.
Time travel... I know I've used it once before. It's not my fault. It was the only way to complete the story.
The damage and the hit points would constantly hit a repeating digit, any air can at work that would catch my attention would have a repeating digit, and plenty of other places in physical reality, not just the clocks. Not just in time.... It's in space. I can't explain myself out of that. Like every other number that came at me was in repeating digits or ascending digits. It was intense, I was going insane. Insane. I knew it was true but knowing it was true scared the shit out of me.
Every day on the bus ride to work I'm looking over my shoulder... I can't help but think these thoughts. These evil thoughts. I am just terrified of myself. My roommates have turned all my friends against me, and they're getting their other friends, the ones that I don't know, to follow me around and look for any crazy behaviour so they can call the men in white coats and send me to the loony bin. The bitch is a fellow psychoanalyzer who's got it in for me, and she has that intern position or whatever at some sort of social working office and she's calling all sorts of higher ups on me and asking for advice. Yeah. Goin' crazy thinkin' they're going to ship me to the loony bin because I'm getting too visibly freaked out over the conspiracy to ship me to the loony bin. And I can not stop thinking these thoughts and they're just racing out of control and I'm so scared of myself. I'm so scared. My thoughts are racing I'm so scared.
I can't really bring myself to talk to the woman who I'm quite convinced is about to bring the hammer down on me so I retreat to my bedroom whenever she's present. I hate that bitch and I hate his boyfriend. Hate so much. No not really. I didn't really and I still don't. Mostly. I stole your weed. I stole your fucking weed you bastard. Three times. Yup. Mhmm. And I justified it. I was jonsing and I figured you're out of town all "look at me I don't even bring my weed when I'm out of town" just like you're all "look at me I don't want to smoke another bowl yet, too early past the first one" and "I only need the occasional cigarette. I don't really have an addictive personality." "I don't really have an addictive personality." "I don't really have an addictive personality." Fuck you. Fuck. You. Fuck you Mr. Hoity-toity. I figured this way I can give you another thing to have fun with in your over exaggerated fantasy land of crazy Rob the born drug addict gonna drop too much acid one day and rape murder the two of us with razor blades and I get to have fun in my over exaggerated fantasy land about everything you're secretly thinking and everybody wins. Wham. And you know what I'm going to do if we're ever on speaking terms again? I'm going to pay you back at least twice the amount of weed I ever stole from you. You like that, you cheap dirty Jew rat? Eh? You like that? Eh, funny man? I... I don't do that kind of thing often. I was desperate. I've never done it to anybody else. Usually I would consider it to be uncool... Not in this particular case but usually.
Bitch... I like you. We're both lunatics studying psychology... Maybe there was something we were both trying to find... Hm. My search was a little more active, I think, your's may have been a little more subconscious since you were more into talking about other people how they're insane. How they're stupid and insane and should just be killed. And not as much into the self-analyzation... Not that I'm not all about telling other people how they're stupid and insane and should just be killed. I think I may do it a little bit more intelligently, however. Less nitpicky and ridiculous with all sorts of repressed unrelated hostility... Less abrasive. Usually. I also do a much better abrasive than you. I would actually tell people rather than gossip. Usually. Eventually. Now I just fly right down the person's throat at the first sign of trouble. Though I certainly wouldn't say anything behind a person's back I couldn't say to the person's face. Oh and I was very attracted to you... You could be a breathtakingly beautiful woman if you lost a few hundred pounds. You were cool. You liked good stuff... Liked good music... Films... I guess. The psychology, yeah. Analyzing people is fun. Analyzing yourself is more fun. Yeah you're cool we could get along just fine if we weren't living together and I wasn't in the middle of a complex paranoid delusion. In some ways I honestly like you better than my roommate... Mostly like my roommate better. You're both
idiots. Your boyfriend may be the bigger idiot. Maybe. He has the advantage of not being all clouded by emotion like a stupid overemotional woman... You're both highly passive aggressive and it's annoying. Bitch, I hate your bitchy gossip. The only thing I hate even more is seeing the plastered fake smile on your face whenever you're with these people. Bitch, when you tidied out all your shoes, did you intentionally jab my boots as far as you could into the shoe rack so they had to forcibly be removed?
I should warn you... If we are ever back on speaking terms again, I hold grudges... Even if you say you're sorry I'm still going to be thinking of the mindset that made it possible to begin with. And I can't ever stop hating it. If anything I'm just going to keep coming up with more reasons to hate it.
Between the thoughts racing, the rabid paranoia, delusions of grandeur, receiving secret messages from God in the form of numbers and a family history of schizophrenia I figured it was only a matter of time before I started hearing voices... And if I started hearing voices I was just going to have to fucking kill myself. I knew I had something important to say and if I had schizophrenia nobody would take me seriously and I would just have to fucking kill myself before I ever caught wind of the public eye. I actually cut down on marijuana significantly and took up regular meditation... I was already meditating but this is where it got serious.
It was wretched. Picture a high pitched tone ringing through the atmosphere while I'm standing there all depersonalized with a cup up against the wall trying to hear if anybody's talking about me. Yeah... Didn't do that one very often and I would immediately retreat when I discovered that it wasn't my paranoid delusion. I started thinking the crows were gathering outside of my apartment window... Eeviil... Eeeevil... Nah that seemed to be their spot, but it provided a good atmosphere. We moved... I was already about three quarters of the way into my insanity when we moved to beside the spot with the crows.
And this is where I conceived of my future bleak sounding post-rock project entitled O Beautiful Death which will exist only briefly. The bring down society image and the Godspeed You! Black Emperor tinted post-rock... I didn't do it on purpose. The final album is going to be a pulsating, hypnotic instrumental masterpiece with vocal snippets of political speeches, raving lunatics and other things in the vein of Godspeed You! Black Emperor... The live show will have hypnotic flashing lights and images of lies, corruption and injustice since the turn of the 20th century. Paranoia. Paranoia. The whole thing is going to be a bleak, hypnotic world history of lies and injustice up to our current place in time. It'll brainwash you. I will play it live in Winnipeg only once, and it will be recorded in high definition and broadcast for free on youtube, then we start The Solanaceae Artist Collective's world tour, during which I will not perform, and that's just about it for my career in music... Bands will play for a smaller, exclusive audience. This world tour essentially marks the end of my career in music. I can't bring myself to ever perform on stage after I've built up this image of intense political activist and self-proclaimed holy man. Or, well, once it has hit it's breaking point. You know what? I already can't see myself appearing on stage. Something about it just doesn't feel right. Okay, never playing music in public. I'm going to film a short in New York. Which, along with all of my other films, will be released for free on YouTube. I guess I'll even have to stop dying my hair white (I dye my hair white I look like an angel. Apparently. But I'm like what angel has white hair what the fuck. I didn't do it on purpose, it was a fantasy image I had for myself since I was like 16) and take out most of my piercings or else I just look a little too much like the devil. Lame. I don't know, I may leave the piercings in, we'll see... At least I'll get to wear a lot of suits. I'm still going to do a little bit of composing for the soundtracks of Intelligent Reconstruction documentaries, along with other members of The Solanaceae Collective, and a background composer of a Solanaceae Collective super group, in the vein of melancholic 60s psychedelic folk-rock meets a hint of mostly Indian, Americana, Latino and Middle Eastern world music and of course post-rock. Which will only be performed live and in limited showings, three separate showings, in Winnipeg of course, with three separate compositions. The final show, the finale of some sort of hippie music festival, which will be followed by the main event, a series of speeches, will crescendo to a bleak fit of rage for the final third. Or perhaps it will be different... Perhaps we'll wait awhile on this super group. But there will be music followed by speeches. Awesome. Yeah, went off on another tangent, I'm sorry. This doesn't really fit into the time line, most of this stuff I thought of post breakthrough. Just wanted to outline how I keep accidentally doing things perfect and establish that I am a genius and you should take me seriously. Don't worry I still have plenty of pretty surprises for you that I won't blow like this one. Yeah I wasn't going to be able to keep the lid on any of that for very long... It may as well come out here, where the point of this article is essentially to put the final nail in the coffin as far as getting you to worship me. And that should defray any "See, I'm, like, a preacher man, and I've also got this music..." I mean I wouldn't want to be the Russell Crowe of preacher men. Yeah... Yeah... We're going to have to do this a little differently. What we're going to do is play very limited live showings for smaller audiences, and only ever release on Solanaceae Collective, which will only ever be released in mp3 form over the internet... I wanted to make it so you can also purchase it on vinyl just to show that I like vinyl and there's cool album art but I really don't see any way I can allow any of this to be on anybody's shelf. Yeah vinyl. I am on a mission to replace CDs. Vinyl is the better format... It has better sound on high quality stereo equipment, plus it's warm, it looks better on your shelf, it has bigger artwork... All we really need is mp3s and vinyl. Yeah this isn't perfect, we should be doing things perfect, anything less would be foolish. Yeah I'm going to try and hit every single one.
So I moved out. Yeah. Yeah I'll bet you got a good roommate story. Yeah. Yeah I got a better one... Well, sort of. I mean your's is about me which might make it better, but then mine is told by me so I think that puts it in my favor... I love you, man. You're a good guy. You taught me a very valuable lesson about the difference between muscle cars and rice mobiles. So I moved out and I got an excellent apartment right beside the bridge to Osborne Village, in an old money neighborhood right next to central with all the homeless meth addicts which is really just inviting trouble... Which beat the hell out of the previous two locations... Basement apartment right beside a parking lot on the busiest street in the city, and one by the U of M which was very pleasant... Had a balcony and a fireplace. My roommate tells me the bedrooms are bigger when my bedroom was actually a downgrade and his and his girlfriend's is ginormous. Which is cool I felt a little bad about having the bigger room and having a gigantic bed while you two share the smaller bedroom on that tiny twin mattress... I had the longer trek to school before we had the bitch so I got the bigger room. And I had more stuff. He offered it I didn't ask for it he offered it. It's not that excellent, really. It's small. But I painted it so I made it sweeter. And... And... Get this one, just in time as usual, I got my $20 000 inheritance that my grandmother left me. She died when I was a kid but I wasn't allowed to touch it until I was 21. Which was a really good idea 'cause I would have just built the most epic deck of Pokemon cards in the universe. So I bought a bunch of excellent furniture and a hardcore top of the line computer, an electric piano (obviously going to need to get a real one when I have more space), an excellent stereo setup, a 40" 1080p HD TV, Xbox 360, Playstation 3... And a whole lot of drugs and alcohol... And I just realized when I had got home from buying a bunch of plants that I had accidentally purchased a bunch of violets without even remembering that my grandmother's favorite flowers were violets. I just bought 'em because they're the only flower that could survive this darkness... Which turns out is none of the plants I bought so I'm going to have to get a grow lamp... Or, would have. If I were going to keep this place. And they would have looked at my electric bill and looked at me and think surely I have a marijuana plant. And then they would have investigated and found out it's actually for legal plants. And I would laugh at the top of my lungs and spit in their face. I would spit in their face.
I decided to take some time off school... My drug habits increased... I started dropping 2C-I on a weekly basis. Before I was only doing it maybe once a month. Then I started twice a week and methylone once or twice a week... Dropped acid a few times. I had done it a few times in the past, but only ever up to about 200ug.
So... Here's an interesting part of the story. I was on about 300ug of LSD and I was writing in my journal with the knowledge I may soon be killing myself if I started hearing voices. My thoughts began racing a little bit... And then a little more... And then to the point where I was exercising no control over them whatsoever. I started to feel a presence. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, however. It seemed perfectly natural that I would be feeling a presence. Then I began getting this very mysterious feeling. This very mysterious feeling... In my hand. I began writing "So I go into this moment thinking that I'm basically insane and this is my last ditch effort to get out... / Yeah... / Yeah... / Not gonna happen." and then I immediately lapsed and I accidentally wrote a bunch of very distressing stuff really really fast in a different penmanship. I immediately wrote "WHAT THE FUCK" in big letters after I regained control of my thoughts. I remember now... I remember when I was at my computer on 2C-I and I had just finished writing "Are We Mirrors?" when I lapsed and typed the beginning of this same message. The memory had been repressed. I knew there was something else I wrote that day that I couldn't remember. Now... I just experienced accidental high speed automatic writing in a different penmanship. Not just any old ordinary automatic writing. Not very ordinary at all. Is this... Is this for real? I can't tell you what I wrote just yet but I assure you it was very... Distressing. Something very distressing relating to delusions of grandeur. It was about the trippiest segment in the story of my insanity, you're just going to have to trust me. By the end of the trip I had convinced myself it couldn't be. I'm going to be a drunken psychology professor with a failed career in music and my grandchildren are going to find this journal in the attic and go "what the fuuu grandpa." Back when I, for some reason, thought it would be a good idea to curse a few people in the future with these twisted genetics that seem to induce crippling insanity. I guess I figured everybody would forget me if I didn't have kids... I needed somebody in the future to see my name on a family tree and understand that I existed. "What the fuuu grandpa." So I burnt it. That's right you'll never see it. That's right I'm lyin'. I'm sure it isn't the last time anything like this is going to happen. Essentially by the end of the night I had convinced myself I was insane and I was stuck there, and I've always been stuck there, and it's getting worse and it's only ever going to get worse. It... It might be real. Maybe... Certainly couldn't tell anybody about it. Insane. Yeah. Insane. But I can't kill myself yet... No... This just got a little too intense. I don't know I don't know yet... I'm insane I'm insane I'm insane. But then, there certainly isn't anything in the DSM about high speed automatic writing in a different penmanship...
I believe what we are dealing with here is some sort of a demon... Somebody very mysterious who lives amongst the likes of Lady Salvia and the DMT Elves in the land of unicorns. I have not been able to get Lady Salvia's true attention so we can talk about the demon... I had to go back to that scary place quite a few times before I ever found the coherency and then it was all for naught. I tried smoking it a few times and then realized there may be a problem... Using the quid method I was able to find the coherency. Otherwise I do not think it would have been possible... Also it isn't nearly as frightening if you are using the quid method.
I realize at this time the reason I was drawn to studying psychology (It was subconscious. I just sort of landed on psychology 'cause it looked like the coolest. The mind. I like saying the mind.) was because it's all in your mind, man. It's all in your mind. I realize that the reason I was drawn to drugs (It was subconscious. I just sort of figured druggies are cool they got the right outlook, drugs are cool they look pretty interesting and mysterious.) was because drugs are the answer. Drugs are the gateway into uncharted realms. Inner realms. Realms that hold the secret.
So my only friend is my ex-roommate who I see maybe once a month, if that, and there is a little bit of social interaction at work but nothing particularly interesting... I'm losin' it. I'm literally losin' it. I'm festering here all alone in my apartment. Nobody that gets me. Nobody has ever gotten me! Nobody! And then suddenly I come into contact with somebody over a drug message board who lives in Winnipeg. He's looking for a drug hookup. A musician. A brilliant musician. My new best friend. Kit Carruthers wanted a perfect friend and Kit Carruthers always gets what he wants. My new best friend... For now... 'Till he pisses me off. We're still good friends. You're cool. Just get used to me treating you like shit. 'Cause that's what I do. Now... I tell this person all about who I am as a drug addict and tell him yeah I got your hookup and then go have dinner with my parents. Come home and drop 2C-I, browse the internet during come up and find out there's a sting. That very day. People were getting a bunch of messages from a bunch of different people asking for drug hookups and it was confirmed that it was in fact the police. So, like, I just ingested a bunch of psychedelic and then find out moments later that the man is about to come crashing down on me. Okay great. So I drank heavily and spent the trip making peace with the idea that I may be going to prison. I'll learn a harsh lesson in the nature of reality and loose my virginity to prison rape. Cool. Drank myself to sleep and found out a couple of days later that he was actually the real deal. May have left a strange first impression... Couldn't really help myself from constant shaking and stuttering.
One day me and him did 50-60mg of 2C-I orally, at his parents house for some reason. His parents who can not know about the drugs because he is a recovering heavy coke addict, even though I have a perfectly good place to trip. A fairly dangerous dose... Considering it was 70mg nasally that killed that poor idiot in the southern states. And... I've since done about 80mg nasally... So, like... But I had a bit of a phen tolerance at the time and that one was injested in intervals so I was pretty safe. During this trip, me and him both hallucinated the exact same thing at the exact same time. We both individually reported the small details. We had just got back from seeing The Dark Knight, and me and him both had a moment where everything just washed. Intensely. And we both hallucinated each other as the joker... Now, just before peak, I go outside for a cigarette. There's no wind and it's a full lighter but I'm struggling for eons trying to get this thing to spark. I think to myself "God!! Why do you do it, god!? Why you always gotta fuck with me!?" and then, suddenly, the lighter sparks and I think "Sometimes it's real" and then I suddenly have no choice but to inhale this whole cigarette like it was the last cigarette I ever smoked. I feel all of this evil just pouring out of me into this black sludge of Satan collecting at my feet. I feel so relieved. All the tension I built up because we're in my friends bedroom listening to dark side of the moon on repeat and giggling until 6:00 in the morning with his parents who aren't supposed to know about the drugs right next door is gone. Again. But this one was a big one. I keep building up all this tension and receding into quiet space, go out for a cigarette, come back and everything is happy. This time, however... My leg is shaking violently. It started shaking when I was smoking the cigarette and it's still shaking. I go back upstairs and lay down on the floor and I somehow get it in my head that I was near death. My leg was still shaking violently. More and more violently. I couldn't control it. This isn't so normal... I was becoming too weak to move. It's peaking. The tremors reverberated throughout my body until it got to my face, and then my jaw started rattling intensely and I let my eyes roll back in my head and the atmosphere expanded, it felt so open and cold, and I was with all the pretty stars... I let my eyes roll into the back of my head. They probably wouldn't have done that on their own but they went really really far back and it was trippy. I knew this was death I just knew it, but the blissful apathy of 2C-I made it so that I didn't much care. And that just scared me even more. I wanted to be scared but I couldn't be scared and it was so scary. It was made apparent to me that this is phenethylamine. Every little unconscious metaphor I picked up abusing phenethylamines came to a crescendo. Every feeling relating to love and death began attacking me. Just attacking me. I pleaded with it to let me go. I don't want to die anymore I don't want to die anymore I don't want to be almost famous and leave a dead body in my friend's parents' house please I know this is real I know this is real I'm sorry please let me go please let me go I'm sorry I won't kill myself I don't want to die I don't want to die please don't kill me. And I felt a "Well okay..." and all the blackness in my atmosphere just washed away as I felt my wits returning to me. And all of a sudden 55mg wasn't quite enough to have a lethal overdose. Paranoooiid... So I waited a bit... Didn't tell my friend anything, yet, and I figured... Welp, the buses are running so I may as well just, uh... May as well just hit the ol' trail... And then on the bus ride home I got really anxious over the way the guy at the front of the bus was looking at me and I had a minor panic attack just in time to get off the bus.
And then I meet Sly Syl working at a shipping company at the airport. I picked up the day shift and he was there. So now I'm working the day shift and the night shift by the way. Good ol' Sly Syl... He has a brilliant mind. He might be simple but he is brilliant and the simple just plays into the brilliant perfectly. But he needs to be explained some things sometimes and I find it annoying. But he's perfect. Too perfect... Same with the little hippy. And the trip masta'... And the three people yet to be mentioned...
And then one of my old childhood friends contacts me through Facebook. Suddenly I have three excellent friends when before I had none. Yes! Kit Carruthers always gets what he wants. He is a highly intelligent writer and drug user with a sweet image. He wears a tie. And I hate that fucker that dog fucker little pig fucker! Misogynist. Our first visit, however, was quite pleasant... And... At the end of the night, when we were peaking... Something very mysterious happened. Something that I can't really get into just yet. Something for a future article. Something... Something a little bit more reinforcing...
Okay. Uh. Okay.
Okay I think I'm good. Okay. Sane enough. Okay.
Kit Carruthers always gets what he wants.
Okay so I haven't really broken this brain yet, not in any significant manner, probably good... Probably good to up the drug regiment. May as well kick start that ketamine addiction I've been considering. There's really no reason to be afraid of my paranoia, so long as I'm mostly capable of rising above it. Just so long as I watch myself there's really no harm in getting carried away with paranoia. No harm at all... It can be kind of charming to the right people. It'll keep me safe. I have it for a reason.
Okay so I'm pretty much king of the world... Guess I don't really need to bother showing up for work anymore. May as well just... Dose myself to sleep, wake up, snort ketamine, write, snort ketamine, snort ketamine, sleep... I need it. I need the dissociative psychedelic mindset for writing. Helps me get all my inner emotions out and makes me think better. Makes me think more in line with my unconscious, my brilliant unconscious that clearly knows everything but may drive a dagger into your throat if I don't keep tabs on it. Don't worry I keep good tabs on it. If I'm doing the thing I feel is right, I'm just glowing. I am in bliss. If not, I get dizzy and I need to throw up... It's magic. And I need it to sleep. And I need it to lose these few extra pounds I picked up since becoming a heavy pot smoker... Yes I'm still fat it's only visible if I don't have a shirt on. I remember when I was 7 I could see my ribs through my shirt... Yeah I need to be able to see my ribs through my shirt again before anybody sees me naked. Yeah hard drugs that's the ticket. I pretty much need it to feel alive. Yeah, work sucks, I'm gonna go with ketamine. And in the off chance I go into work I'm goin' in on ketamine. And I receded into my thoughts and stood there giggling to myself, looking at the pretty lights and watching the planes land, listening to the engines start up without my earplugs in... I still have bionic hearing don't worry. And bionic vision! Waited a couple of months before I quit. Used up all my sick days, cruised through one day, three day, five day suspensions... More days off. Took it to the absolute limit with the intention of quitting. It was fun. Yeah I need more time to write. I'll just mooch off the government and my parents and I'm good to go. Employment insurance. Sick benefits. I quit because I was mentally unstable. Got myself a doctor's note...
And... I had one other reason for my poor work performance. Actually, before this I wasn't calling in sick all that much. I didn't quit the day shift or start showing up an hour or two late whenever I did show up and hitting all those suspensions until after the following events... Nor did I get really intensely into k. I also hit the ecstasy, methylone and 2C-I fairly hard. I like methylone more than caps but not quite as much as pure MDMA, obviously... Almost but not quite. Some people actually seem to prefer it.
It was around this time I met the woman I was talking about earlier... Umm...
I know something... I know something's up I know it. And I have plenty of drugs, brilliant ideas piling up, three new excellent friends and I'm absolutely falling in love with this beautiful woman. I know it, she's my soul mate, I absolutely know it. She's absolutely perfect. She's one of the most beautiful women I ever laid eyes upon. She wore lots of eye makeup. Kit Carruthers always gets what he wants. We both know something's up. We're both familiar with some strange sightings. 11:11, among other things... Like the thing I can't talk about... She was the woman who used to live in my apartment before she got evicted for all the crack, and having a cat, and whatever else I'm sure was badass... She was a crack... whore. Yessir. A crackwhore. She sucked penis for crack. I fell in love with a crackwhore. Crack... She was the one that got me a little more interested in stimulants, gave me a new way to think about it... Somewhat new. Before, I thought my addiction was going to be opium. I figured I would try crack if I were at a shady party. I would try anything once. I didn't get the chance with my soul mate, but I have since tried it... In fact I have another bad luck story with a crackwhore, I'll save it for later in the article. Now I'd buy a gram. Or two. Try it out. Smoke it pretty much whenever it's offered. I'm a little bit more interested in speed... And obviously coke, but mostly speed. Once I get a hookup I'm going to become an amp addict. Never sleep. Never stop writing. Writing and planning. Writing and planning with papers neatly organized all over the floor. Never gonna' sleep. No rest for the wicked. I may even push meth psychosis every so often. I may even push it straight into meth psychosis and break my brain forever. Become a full blown schizophrenic... Once the people already know they should take me seriously. I think I can handle it. I'll keep the k to put me to sleep every so often. Sometimes it will be alcohol or ether. Sometimes heroin... I am also going to become a weekend heroin user. Until the awakening. After the awakening just about every day is going to be a heroin orgy.
The meet up, I will not get into the details in this article... It was chance.
I'm in happy land. Everything is happy happy happy everything is perfect...
And then she's dead. She's just dead. Dead from a crack overdose. Left a dead body in her parent's basement.
She's just dead. Dead. We never even did it. We did do stuff, but not it. Okay we kinda did it.
And then we talked... I talked... We were going to write melodramas... First we were going to play music and then we were going to move on to film ...
I didn't tell anybody at work. I didn't really tell much of anybody. I didn't even tell my parents... Didn't even tell them I was almost having a relationship. I had her almost. I don't really think she wanted my virginity and I was a little too intimidated to give it to her... I needed a practice girl. Perhaps several. We didn't get the chance to hang out very often... She never even got to see close up what I did with the apartment I stole from her. Plus the timing was just too sudden to tell my parents... Plus crackwhore who left a cracked up body in her parent's basement. And they would use it as a way to get into my head and explain my drug addiction. They're going to find out about it when they read this article...
...And they are going to find out that I wanted them to get separated.... And they are going to find out that I had a near near death experience among other things, which actually isn't really anything but I'm sure my mother doesn't know what the hell to think at this point in the article... I wasn't even at white light or anything it was hardly death. Just took a little too much and went headfirst into a paranoid psychedelic delirium. Nothing out of the ordinary. I've since done worse with 30mg of 5-Meo-DMT up my nose even... Ran to the toilet to puke and I needed it just violent. Couldn't puke it just went away. It went away all psychedelic. Fell hard onto the floor, then I gasped and flung around for a few seconds while I was flying right into solipsism. Tried to get up. Fell, knocked over the shower curtain and bent the rod up all over my arm and head on the way down, hit the faucet right before my head smashed into the tub and laid there in the tub screaming at the top of my lungs and shitting myself ("Is that what you want me to do? You want me to shit myself?" and it said "Yes." so I shat myself.) with the cold water trickling onto my head because I somehow got it in my head that I missed an extremely important purge and this was it. Not only did I think I was going to die, but I thought that it was therefore the end of the Universe. Everything in my current mindset being compared to humanity as a whole. "It's all over... This is you." Eventually got back into my senses and realized I'm still alive and probably not the only person in existence, got rid of the clothes, took a quick shower and put on a towel and decided I desperately need to get all the evil out before it destroys me so I run over to the hard liquor, wearing a towel, take a swig of Jack Daniel's and throw up all over the carpet. It's safe to say that little tick in the back of my mind that wondered if I were the only conscious being in this world is dead. Dead forever. Yessir... I can't even count how many times I've been on a little too many drugs and I get all wrapped up in what if I'm just dead. 2C-I is scary. It's subtle. A lot of people think 2C-I is one of the least threatening, but if you think you're dying... Certainly less threatening than 2C-E... Kind of... Mostly. 2C-E is more direct. Everything is really urgent and it can be scary but it's a more direct scary. This one... This one has a scary that's all subtle and eerie. It keeps you apathetic toward anything troubling that might come up so it's certainly much less scary than 2C-E, but if you think you're dying apathy can be eerie. So it's a different scary it's less scary. It's... It's scary if you think you're dying. It's a really surreal scary it's a fun scary. Around 40mg it gets like, too euphoric. I never thought I could experience too euphoric before but it was right there at 40mg of 2C-I. It's scary I thought I was going to die. Now that I know I'm not going to die there's no such thing as too euphoric. I also briefly, for a brief second, like most of the other ones obviously but this one even briefer, thought I was going to die on my first 30mg trip. Kind of... Kind of takes a bit of the pressure off of that near near death story... Yeah... Yeah this is a reoccurring problem...
And then... Within a few months, I suddenly understand how this is going to be made possible. The way to make this possible would be to do things perfect. I do not see any other way to do things than to do things perfect. I had this one stupid idea. I was kind of into that one for awhile. Then I realized that it is not actually the perfect one... And I realized how I realized that the moment I created it because it made me pretty uncomfortable. And I was like, okay... This is pretty good. Good place to start. Just like I had this one other stupid idea that made me pretty uncomfortable and it took a brilliant conclusion and a whole lot of Ketamine to get to the root of my discomfort. I had a couple of stupid ideas... I will not even get into that one. I do not do that kind of thing anymore. I have had an awakening. Yes. Another. It was the realization that I am the one. Not just a really special person but the specialest person. It was awhile after this awakening that I also came to the conclusion that you're all one of them. You're all idiots. You're all looptyloop. You're all demented. You're all so vile. So full of lies and misplaced rage. Passive aggressive dirtweasels. The only one who was not one of them was my soul mate, and she's dead. Dead. I can't get into the details of this awakening... I eventually woke up and I understood how everything fits perfect. I understand how synchronicity only does things perfect, and I am a vessel of synchronicity. The trick here, is to get in touch with my unconscious... So I need to be absolutely loaded 24/7. And since, I have conceived of Intelligent Reconstruction, Love the Lord Thy God With all Thy Heart, and With All Thy Soul, And With All Thy Mind, and With All Thy Strength as well as several other brilliant, all encompassing ideas and projects. This world is not perfect, no... No. Why? We are all a bunch of idiots thinking stupid things, doing stupid things, and loving things that suck... And people just give into the idea that nothing is perfect and we should just get used to it. Why? Hm? Why the hell aren't we doing this perfect? We should be doing this perfect, anything less is moronic... You had me tagged as the type of person who does things right the first time, I know, I'm sorry.
Synchronicity has given me this brilliant team of artists and it's only a matter of time before we all join forces and save the planet. So far, in order of favourites I know that, of everybody, counting the dead ones, there's me, my soul mate, my childhood friend, my future lover, the trip masta', the little hippy and Sly Syl... Yeah that's right I just put the little hippy behind the trip masta'. Even though I don't hardly know the trip masta'. Sorry, little hippy, you're good shit I just love the trip masta'. Now I'm the trip masta' but I'm going to keep calling you the trip masta' until you come and reveal your name 'cause you were the one who got me really interested in psychedelics like they're holy and helped me to properly recompartmentalize my views about society. (Fuck society, man.) And 'cause you were the experienced shaman who left us and gave my poor roommate a mysterious sketch out. And no offense to Sly Syl you're still one of my favorite people it's just you're not really a drug addict. Though neither is my childhood friend... Though he's quite a bit more experimental. My childhood friend who I put second even though I don't really know him. I know what's coming, I got a hunch. You are without a doubt my best friend/worst enemy for life. And please don't take "worst enemy" literally like you and Sly Syl always take everything literally... I suppose it is the mindset that will lead to giving us a more presentable image. Don't worry he's not simple... He's just weird. I have a theory... He may or may not have set his genius to attaining social stardom in order to spite me after I destroyed his feelings as a kid. I made fun of him like a big douche giving into the bullies even though I liked him better. I don't know what the hell I was thinking... I was just happy they weren't making fun of me. I may very well have done what I needed to do in order to make him into the beautiful person he is today. I have a theory but he is yet to confirm it. I hate him. Anyway, I know of seven lightworkers. I don't know how many our highly respectable leader has come in contact with or fantasized about. It is only a matter of time before we find the others...
So... I know something. Something's up. How many people are in on this? How many people know what's happening? Word travels... Especially word like this...
What if... Some idiot Christian gets a hold of it and we have a lone nut... Or, like, what if some weird idiot thought he could usurp me...
So there's a chair under my doorknob and a knife under my pillow.
Complete. I still have a few bad luck stories and a bit of a trip out at the end of the article for you, however...
Everything happens for a reason. Life was clearly arranging itself in such a way as to break me down and build me perfect. Pretty much anything I've ever done I've done it accidentally. And I've done it perfect.
Everything happens for a reason... What goes around comes around... Forever... Forever... Sunrise, Sunset... Sunrise, Sunset...
And then there's bad luck. Bad fucking luck... Okay this is ridiculous look at this. It's always turning against me to ridiculous extremes. Always.
Everywhere I go I get surrounded by idiots... They gravitate towards me. But, now, I have a theory that can disprove this, or prove this, depending on how you look at it, that says the people approaching the most people at parties are idiots, and mostly only idiots would approach the quietest guy at a party with an angry look on his face so I get hit with like a double whammy. Yeah I've only been to, like, one party in the past, like, three years... Two overall... I don't know... More if just a lot of work people counts as a party. I still have to say I have the absolute worst luck when it comes to encountering idiots. Basically every single person in my life is an idiot in some way or another. Anybody I talk to for long enough is an idiot. It's insane I can't get 'em off me. Everywhere I go there's idiots.
People are very unreasonable and in my face. People I thought were my friends turn out to be just vicious for no good reason... Well, sometimes there's a reason and it's I'm an asshole and I deserve it. I guess. If the truth hurts. But there was that one time, yeah, that one time... Where we were the best of friends, we were into all the same stuff, we got along great... He was very quiet. More quiet than me even. Then it gets back to me that he and all the dickhole military kids have been making fun of me for still playing with lego and having stuffed animals at age 12, which is information they never would have received if it weren't for this dirtweasel, and it was completely omitted that he was doing the same thing. Both of 'em. He didn't have nearly as many stuffed animals or as much lego but I had richer parents. And when I said "Well so does he and you're not making fun of him!" he just went silent and everything became awkward. I wonder how he painted that series of situations with our repressed faggots. I don't even want to know what those nitwits are thinking... There was no penetration! Almost penetration but not quite... More exhibitionist than anything. Yeah that's right you know who you are. Eh. I knew what you were doing, I think, trying to make an enemy out of me so you can cope with moving away from me. I hope. Maybe you were just evil all along. So, like, there's him... There's my roommate, all "look at me I'm the most stable person in the room I like to keep everybody stable keep everybody level." And then there's my mother... My mother with her repeating the same argument over and over again and making ridiculous assumptions about the meaning of what I said (In a meeting with my psychiatrist, we were talking about my drug use and she said "No you don't you said they're good for you" when I said "I obviously know it's bad for me. I know every little detail of it's bad for me." because I said I need psychedelics because they enhance my mindset. To which I paused and responded "You're an idiot I don't know why I even speak to you." Which was a little harsh, I regret that one. Also, anything that starts with "No you said..." is a delusion. I know what I says much better than you know what I says, seeing as I am the one saying it.) and once telling me I started it when she was the one who just launched into "I don't think it's healthy to be thinking like that. You won't ever make it to be on a Jon Stewart or a Stephen Colbert interview (It was just an idea I'm not that into it... I was saying maybe if anybody. I will let our leader do all of the interviews, especially since I don't want to be seen in public very often... But I wanted this one. Sort of. It would be an awkward interview... We'd have to severely limit what kind of questions they can ask. There would be a demonstration from some sort of Christian conservative union... And I wouldn't want to see Jon Stewart or Stephen Colbert get hit with a stray bullet... ) you don't even have a job, you need your parents to pay your rent (WHICH THEY VOLUNTEERED after a few months of being out of a job. I didn't realize she was secretly plotting her evil little passive aggressive plot...) and you're a drug addict." and non-stop crying and telling me I have no right to yell. I have no right to yell at her when she just tells me these moronic things. It's unhealthy. And the reason my career in writing and public speaking isn't going to go anywhere is because I don't have a job. I outline every last particle of you're being a nitwit and her only come back is you shouldn't talk to your mother like that. Another thing, mom, about me hating your mindset: Just because my little sorrys don't mean anything doesn't mean I shouldn't say sorry about every little thing. It just happens to bother me when every little thing isn't perfect. At first I was like "I guess... I guess meaningless sorrys are a bad habit. Sorry." but now I figured out how everything I do is actually perfect so I take it all back. It doesn't make my other sorrys meaningless just because I overuse the word sorry. That would make you an idiot who can't tell the difference between varying degrees of sorry. Thank you, in all of our arguments you have been the epitome of unreasonable. You have played a very important role in making this surreal. As for this one or any of the yelling and lecturing, I'm very sorry. I still love you so much. Just... Sometimes I hate you too. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. So, like, only three major standout stories of extremely unreasonable people right in my face... But I assure you that throughout my life I have been in the presence of many highly unreasonable people. And my childhood friend may not have been so unreasonable, I just wanted to point out how it's always turning against me.
I can't even play video games anymore. I remember playing Halo with my roommate and I was all like "Do they all... Like... Gang up on the Arbiter?" and he's all like "Haha no" while he's in plain sight mowing everybody down and I'm trying to duck behind a rock 'cause the second I make myself even the slightest bit visible I'm hit with every bullet on the screen. I'm ducking and maneuvering just fine I just can't stop getting unfair hits. I'm okay at shooters. Now, even better: Lately, I can't even play Civilization... I used to be able to whiz through it and conquer the world with everybody cultured like a genius, but then I took a long break from it and started trying to play it again about a year ago. It only takes a few turns in before one of the other countries declares war and then gets every other country in the world allied against me before I can make diplomacy. I was playing a game, and usually peaceful India declares war on me and then just gets Germany to declare war on me. I figure okay time to make an epic world war so I pay Spain a hell of a lot of money to declare war on Germany. I leave India because they're on my continent and I want to take them over all by myself. Next turn India and Spain are allied against me, then India and Zululand, and that makes every discovered nation. And usually peaceful India just has this massive force and they're just plowing through everybody. I can't get a fucking kill. I'm attacking swordsman with wave after wave of horsemen, and they're each plowing through two or three horseman each and then in the next turn evading my grasp and returning to their territory to heal. And I'm trying to build more horseman, but anarchy, which usually takes two or three turns is on it's seventh turn. And I just got through giving up on five games before this because I got the same shit out of Mongolia. Didn't matter how much of a force, all the diplomacy turned against me and the only ones I could get on my side were the shitty countries, and they wouldn't even go after the shitty counties because they set their sights on me... I ended up having to fend off wave after wave from every other nation rather than take out Mongolia. It's bullshit. I used to be good at this game, what the hell happened? For the past few years everything has just been spiraling out into bad luck crescendo. If it weren't for the fact that this happened after I had already lost my marbles and understood what the hell was going on, I would have thrown the chair at the monitor. My sweet 24" Widescreen LCD monitor and it would be ruined. Aw!
Once in Brandon... The summer I was home from University, I had a black eye and a bit of a swollen lip because I got punched by some douche bag who just walked up and punched all of our faces outside of a 7/11 because of some outstanding argument he had with a friend of one of the people we were hanging out with. Punched the guy, my future roommate says something like hey whoa what are you doin', then he just punched him and tore at his shirt, then he asks me if I want some of this... And I paused... And then I may have said yes... So I may have had it coming... So he punched my face. And then I went for him, and in a drunken stupor I missed, his friends pulled me back and he throws me down, knocks my head into the edge of a phone terminal and then punches me six more times. But they were weak little girly punches and I was drunk so I basically just registered contact. Then as he left he flashed a sign and yelled "West Syde." Anyway I had this black eye and a swollen lip and later that weekend I was trying to help my cat up onto the window ledge, 'cause the blinds were up, so I'm elevating him onto the ledge with one hand while raising the blinds with the other hand and the darkening shade behind the blinds fell down and made a startling noise and the adorable little kitty freaked out and severely clawed my face up.
Crackhooker. The first part of this one isn't so much bad luck, it's pretty much right what I should have expected to happen... It was what I was paranoid about and it was what happened. And more. And more. The later part... Yeah. This is funny my luck is funny. So one day I decide to go on a mission to find crack. I'm walking around in the north end when I eventually find this fat crack hooker and I ask her if she can find me some crack. She takes me to this house right near by, I give her 60, she walks into the house... Wait, she comes back and says there's no crack we gotta do some thing with some other guy later, she says she has a decent rock left so we go to a bus stop right in front of a fairly busy street and smoke the crack out of my new crackpipe. I get a little bit... Not much. I felt some methyl... Methyl is magic. I didn't feel much, just a little bit... It was cool. About half way through the crack rock she asks me "Do you like sex?" I passed... Later she goes to find the other guy while I wait... On crack. It was exciting. She comes back, says something like she got thrown out of the car and there's no crack. Well fuck. Well fuck, I'm unemployed so I'm really going to need this money back. So I gotta put this bitch on the street and get her to get my money back. She says there's this guy she can call but it'll be a wait and she eventually coerces me into going back to my place to hang out. Sure fine whatever I could use the company. She asks me if I have any drugs, and all I have are the research chemicals and wine. So we snort 2C-I and drink wine. She's never done a psychedelic before. She's going all dizzy and loopy all fucked up on crack comedown withdrawal meets a big wall of psychedelic. Ooops. She asks me if she can use my phone to call her boyfriend. Next thing I hear her in the bathroom screaming "WAILIN'! WAILIN' DON'T LEAVE ME!!" So she leaves... Takes my wine glass. I run out after screaming about my phone but apparently she left it. Not sure if she heard me say I had a sketch. So, like, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. I'm not that sorry, however, I mean you lost the 60 bucks and you broke my fucking wine glass on the sidewalk. And your blood or red beverage puke splattered all over the inside of the toilet. (Oh. Wait. I guess that would have been the wine. Durp.) At least I left you scared on a psychedelic. And no I didn't sleep with her... She would have had to pay me. Like, a lot.
I'm at my appointment with my shrink... And my really nice and smart councilor, who is cool and intelligent and I really like because he dropped acid when he was younger and he knew what I was talking about with the DMT Elves and he's all into Stanislav Grof, says that after they checked my vitals they noticed that my blood oxidation was a little low and asks me if I would like to go to the emergency room... I figured nah, I just have a bad cold and my breathing is all fucked up... And then the dumb dirt weasel psychiatrist comes in, and he's all about the guidelines, and the asking the same question two or three times in the same appointment, and calling me back up to 3 times after the appointment is over to say that he forgot to ask me something highly trivial or warn me about something highly trivial. 3 times is my limit. That's when my already meandering and somewhat aggressive tone of voice becomes a vile outburst of sarcasm... Which in appointments would often consist of imitations of his droning voice (which is easy 'cause of my droning voice) and ability to ask some of the most ridiculous questions I could have possibly christened him with with a perfectly straight, dumb, distraught, glazed look on his face... Every day with the "Before the end of the year 2009 are you planning on killing yourself, attempting near death or dying?" And the fact that he is just some kind of dumb idiot and he doesn't know how to do anything without the guidelines... He comes in and tells me that he's worried about my low blood oxidation coupled with ketamine intoxication and he tells me that if I don't go to the emergency room they are going to phone the fucking police on me. I coughed up a lung and attempted to make a better passage through the mucus in the waiting room, where I was waiting for hours with the security officer making evil faces at me, and when the doctor came in to see me she said my blood oxidation was fine so they sent me home. All because of some sort of stupid regulation that exists only to be a pain in my ass.
Fuck the woman who lives above me. Menial noise complaint after menial noise complaint... I get a phone call from the caretaker saying that she got a call from this woman saying I was a little bit too loud for about 10 minutes at 11:00 but apparently I turned it down. I don't listen to music very loud at all at night... Except once. Once I didn't really care... I was all drunk and emotional and I'm Kit Carruthers I'll do whatever the hell I want. I listened to Interpol's Turn on the Bright Lights on my stereo several times on repeat at an extremely loud volume until about 5:00 in the morning (no i wasn't all emotional over my soul mate is was something else) and then ever since then I have been getting complaint after complaint for every little tiny noise. She is on an angry mission to get me evicted... She has just about got me I'm on last notice. Even though they're the ones with all sorts of loud thumping at all hours, like 4:30 in the morning, which better not be sex it better just be stomping and banging because often times it's just one big thump... And it isn't her telling me to shut up because it happens when I'm not making any noise. I think it's just her stomping. Some angry women have a stomping problem. My ex-roommate would stomp and slam doors accidentally all the time. And fuck the other one who lives a few windows down from me across the alley. Yeah, yeah, she's with the noise complaints as well, but... But get this... She calls the fucking police on me because I'm yelling at my friend over a bunch of money he owes me over the phone (this honestly wasn't the one where he said I was too angry, if you've read about this one elsewhere, this was long after that... That one was just a series of text messages in which I was actually fairly calm. I may have said if he destroys my evening I was going to destroy him but I didn't think he would take me very seriously.) and she makes up something about a gunshot. Just makes it up like a pathological liar looptyloop! Orr... There was a gunshot or a firecracker outside or something. I guess. There's always gunshots and firecrackers outside. So I'm sitting here around 11:00 at night in boxer shorts and a t-shirt with a scotch & dr. pepper and a bong when five cop cars worth of police kick down my door with guns drawn. I say "What the fuuu..." (In my head: "Dangerous politics! Dangerous politics!") and they put me in handcuffs and tell me the story about the gunshot. They were nice enough to get me a pair of pants and not say anything about the crack/DMT pipe and the mirror for which to snort drugs off of on the coffee table. When he asked me if I had any drugs I said just what's left of that bowl and some legal research chemicals in the freezer. Which, luckily, was true. I was intoxicated so they hauled me to the fucking drunk tank. And then I got more time in the drunk tank because I wouldn't stop yelling about society, and how the whole concept of this is just fucking absurd. "I'm locked in a room with a drain and a mat because I was caught drunk and yelling in my own apartment!? You couldn't have just told me to shut up!?" ...I probably wouldn't have shut up I needed the drunk tank. I get home at 5:00 in the morning, have another drink and smoke the last of my weed, which the cops were nice enough to leave for me. After walking home through downtown streets at 4:30 in the morning holding my pants up by the pockets because I don't have a belt. At least I hope it was the one a few windows down... But then she was a yeller and I don't think she called anything in. So she may not be the type to call the police... Soo... It might be the woman above me... In which case... Pathological liar looptyloop! So it seems unlikely... But I really really want it to be her. And I told my parents that the little hippy broke my door by trying to open it with the chain up, which wouldn't exactly explain the screws beside the deadbolt, nor the boot mark on the door which I didn't notice before they came over, when I asked them for the money to repair the door... So, like, when they read this article...
That's about all I can remember as far as bad luck stories... I think you get the point. You think it's going to be some kind of minor irritation, but no, no... It just spirals out into ridiculous extremes.
Oh! I have one good luck synchronicity story... I think it was... Grade 10? I was walking back to school from lunch with an acquaintance. I slipped on some ice and fell on my ass. These two seniors drove by and gave me the slow clap then turned down the next street. Just as we were turning onto this street the seniors lose control of their car on the ice and slam into a tree. We gave them the slow clap and laughed.
When playing card games, I can't even count the number of times I think to myself that I need a certain card and then as soon as the thought is over I get that card. Literally hundreds of times. And with literally that timing every time it happens. At least one almost every time I play a card game.
Traffic lights always turn green just as I'm walking up to them. Always. Never fails. Pretty much. Everything is always at perfect timing. Just about every little moment. I get enough good things to make up for all the bad things. It's all a balance... A very delicate balance... Everything comes around in the end. And anything that's negatively affected me has negatively affected me for a reason. It has happened in order to build me into the person I am today.
So, my karma... I am surrounded by rape and entrapment. Destroyed families. My mother, with three separate incidents, two of them continuing, not all of them family, AND she got entrapped not only once, but twice. Same friendly old professor story both times. My future lover... I seem to be under the impression that she is a rape victim. My father was the product of a rape. I was raised to loathe anyone who rapes or entraps... I seem to be under the impression that in my most recent life I was a Catholic preacher. A Catholic preacher with the alter boys... I also seem to be under the impression that I am on my fourth.
This is very interesting Karma. I can't wait for it to play out in front of me. So many severe outbursts of drama... And I honestly can't say I care that much about any of them. I'm not really repressing anything, I simply don't care. I'm not repressing anything. Never. Really actually literally never there's hardly ever anything in there that needs to be repressed, and when there is I'll just get it all out at home with a self-EMDR session on psychedelic phenethylamine and I'm good. I know there's nobody burning in hell for an eternity, there's nobody rotting for an eternity. I know they're in another baby fetus somewhere waiting to be reborn. I don't believe it I know it. I'll tell you how I know it in the not-so distant future. And even before, I never really felt so bad for the person in the coffin... The only thing that would get me sad was the other people crying. That, and I simply don't much care about any of you. I've got the schizoid... The schizoid is a good one I like the schizoid. I'm also a little bit of a sociopath. I need it. It's the only way to cope with any of this... And do other stuff.
Any of this... And any of what's coming. Yeah that's right I know what's coming. I know all of it. I'm getting flash visions/elaborate fantasies of some very dramatic events. Many of which occurred while I was still losing my mind before I really knew anything about who I was going to be. I know what's coming. It is very interesting. There is one fantasy in particular... I had put it out of my mind completely... Until after the death of my soul mate. This one fantasy in particular. This one would have to be the most interesting. This one is my favourite. I cannot tell you what it is, however... I will never tell you what it is... You will have to pry it out of my cold dead hands.
Am I... Dreaming this up? Do moments happen because I fantasize about them too much? Are we all just dreaming this up? Does our fantasy write the future? Are my dreams meant to be?
I want to watch this story unfold as though it were a melodrama. I want to watch this story unfold all over the news media. And Kit Carruthers always gets what he wants.
Love the Lord Thy God With all Thy Heart, and With All Thy Soul, and With All Thy Mind, and With All Thy Strength > Timewave Zero
Note: This was written back when we still thought we would break through by 2012. Well, we didn't, but I like this one anyway so you can view it here on my personal page despite the fact that it will be removed from the official Intelligent Reconstruction page. Turns out there's nothing special about timewave zero. My bad.
Timewave Zero was discovered by the philosopher and ethnobotanist Terence McKenna. It is an algorithm that utilizes the pattern of the I Ching in order to map what McKenna termed "Novelty". Looking at Timewave Zero, you can see how Novelty drops in accordance with major planetary events. On December 21st, 2012, the date the Mayan Long Count terminates, Novelty drops off the charts never to be seen again. Trust me, this is a good thing. We don't need Novelty.
Apparently McKenna's math is flawed... I can't really say anything about it, I am not a mathematician... But it seems to me like this is fairly irrelevant because it is clearly still creating a pattern, you idiot. There is clearly still a pattern that you can easily map and find dips in novelty during important world events and comes to a close on the date the Mayan Long Count terminates, you idiot. It doesn't really matter what he did to discover this pattern, the point is he discovered it... He discovered this pattern and the loonytic didn't even know what he was doing. Considering we have psychic phenomena... And considering he was using the I Ching, which I think we can take pretty seriously, to create this incomplete algorithm... I think it is sound. I don't really see why anybody could have a hard time believing in the teachings of Terence McKenna. Not all of his teachings, but there are certainly specific teachings that you should take seriously. You need to take him with a grain of salt.
We have psychics. It's real... Not all of them are a bunch of phonies. Not that I think any of my readers are dumb enough to completely disbelieve in the possibility of psychic phenomenon, I mean it is one of those things people talk about, like, a lot. A little too much for it to be completely inconceivable. I mean, who was the first one to invent it and how did it become so popular? Considering all the hubbub around it one should at least consider it plausible. It shouldn't prove anything but it should at least make you consider it plausible. Though I suppose I may have had an unfair advantage over anybody who didn't believe in psychics. I have known enough people who tell me they think they've seen this moment before it happened in a dream and I have had more than enough psychic experiences myself... A lot of them very reinforcing. Not only to the point of deja vu but to the point of knowing what comes next and feeling my mind warp. Vivid recall of dreams... Sometimes from years past. The unconscious is a very mysterious organism. It's just... When you look at the mysterious unconscious it is hard to be a materialist... Hard to be an atheist, even... The first psychic to absolutely blow my mind was Solara. I discovered her on my desperate voyage to discover the meaning of 11:11, which I will get more into later... Her surf reports. There was only one year that didn't fit me to a T, 2005, where I clearly missed my karma... I did what I needed to do to become the person I am today but I neglected every opportunity delivered to me by synchronicity, and though it did not fit me to a T it still fit somewhat, and I can see how things may have been different if I had not neglected some golden opportunities. So it is a good thing I neglected those golden opportunities. Solara is vague but not so vague. You can catch a lot of very specific moments and I am very rarely confronted with anything that didn't fit. Only 2005, really. Of course, psychic prediction on a mass scale is vague. Psychics who can do this are simply feeling the emotional wave vibrations of the universe, it is vague, there can't be too many specific details when you're looking into karma systems in their entirety. Making fun of wide scale psychic prediction for being too vague is missing the point completely, is what I'm saying, basically, you're stupid, is what I'm saying. You're stupid. Astrology is real. Of course it is not right one hundred percent of the time I mean we don't really know what we're doing. It is not perfect but it is real... You can not deny that one either if you're well enough informed. Just read enough about it and you will discover it is real. Get a very in depth reading and you will most likely discover that it is real. The only thing that threw me off was Jupiter... Said I was thankful for the establishment, however I think I can take it as I am thankful for the concept of the establishment, which I am I'm very thankful. Just imagine what would happen if we didn't give society any of the rules to live by. Too dumb we'd blow it up. So... Jupiter was fine so astrology is real. So we know horoscopes can be real. The alignment of the stars and the planets follow the same wave vibrations as everything else in the universe so we can use them to map the future, our personality types, etcetera.
So horoscopes can be real, Solara is real... So we know mass scale psychic prediction is quite viable... So it is not so unreasonable to believe in a concept so obviously brilliant as Timewave Zero.
Terence McKenna was a loony, but he was a genius. He was onto something huge... Now... He thinks on December 21st, 2012 we invent time travel and just break everything and have to live in some sort of singularity stasis... Which I do not think will ever be possible and anybody who believes in the possibility of time travel is a lunatic. Once a second passes it is gone. Gone forever. It lives only in memory. If you're into quantum physics and we create a parallel universe whenever a decision is made, then, well, everything is meaningless and we may very well be in the universe that ends up going nowhere. I don't like time travel it's scary.
Nevertheless, what he discovered was something genius. With Timewave Zero, personally, what I get out of it, is that every time there is a big startling discovery that shakes everybody out of their senses, a big traumatic event making everybody question God, or any particular event that makes people question their conception of reality in whatever seemingly insignificant manner, Novelty drops. Now, I can't tell you exactly what this means as far as events in the future...
But one thing that I can say for sure is that on December 21st, 2012, the Novelty is dead.
Perhaps it is the date we make contact. Perhaps the ones doing all the crop circles will come and enlighten us. They seem pretty holy.
The Mayans were not prophesying the end of the world, you idiots. They made inscriptions of predictions post-2012, you idiots. They were simply prophesying the end of a cycle*, it's nothing to worry about it's something to be excited about.
So what we have is a very loose set of concepts that can tell the future... The Mayans were a mystical culture who knew something about the ebb and flow of time, and they gave us this date, this date where we are very obviously in the dawning of a new age... It is considerably more obvious and jarring than any other transformation in our history. And then we have the I Ching and Astrology which I think we can safely say are pretty reliable... Unfortunately, things are a little out of sync and neither system is perfect. So what we need is for science to believe in hocus pocus so somebody can make a new system out of all the old systems. And whatever else we have picked up.
* I am going to use the word "cycle" a lot in my writings. Usually what I am referring to is not the end of the Mayan calendar, but rather the cycle of the astrological ages.
Love the Lord Thy God With all Thy Heart, and With All Thy Soul, and With All Thy Mind, and With All Thy Strength > The DMT Elves and Lady Salvia
You are obviously just feeling another presence because you are hallucinating. I mean that's what drugs do they make you hallucinate and go crazy. Lousy Terence McKenna had to go and call them Machine Elves and make us all sound like a bunch of crazy drug users. Self-Transforming Machine Elves. Actually it's kind of a cool name I like it... They do kind of look like Self-Transforming Machine Elves. Then we go and call the woman in Salvia Divinorum Sally. I like to call her Lady Salvia. It just doesn't seem right calling somebody so intimidating a name like Sally. It seems like a stupid name for an otherworldly presence, Sally... Sally and the Self-Transforming Machine Elves... And there's fairies! And there's unicorns! Yup! Mhmm. We're not providing a very good impression with names like Sally and the Self-Transforming Machine Elves...
There is too many things that come out of these trips that simply do not sound like my unconscious. It is clearly some other personality. The drugs have their own personality and anybody who has taken enough of them can see this. If you were to research, you would see that the personality is quite similar between trip reports. There is very obviously something going on with these drugs. How is this not common knowledge? Why don't we have scientists that are reasonable? There's no hocus pocus don't be silly you're a scientist...
If you have ever been there, it is unmistakable there is a presence. Unless you're going crazy 'cause the drugs made you crazy. So does that mean there is somebody else, an actual living being, in the drugs? I do not think this metaphysical realm is a place where you can exist. I have a theory that what you are speaking to is not conscious. You are not speaking to something that is metaphysically physical, that is impossible, you are speaking to the projection of a personality. A personality implant. Something that was left in the drugs a very long time ago. These otherworldly beings likely occupy a place on the physical plane somewhere, not the metaphysical one... Probably somewhere outside of the Universe, and they probably do not have any idea that anybody is even speaking to them.
Love the Lord Thy God With all Thy Heart, and With All Thy Soul, and With All Thy Mind, and With All Thy Strength > 11:11
Here we have a perfect example of the Universe showing us a sign of intelligence. It's like when street lights always go out when you walk beneath them but this one is even more spectacular. There are tons of people walking around in society with all of the normals thinking somebody, or something, is giving them secret messages in the form of numbers like a bunch of lunatics from that movie The Number 23. To anybody that knows this is real, it is just too real... You can no longer claim this to be confirmation bias I mean there's just too many people in on it.
There are websites about it, any research and you can clearly see that it's something. It's something...
The websites, however, will lead you astray...
Solara, of The NVisible
... She is definitely psychic, if you are in tune with 11:11 you are most likely in tune with her Surf Reports. And she's got some stuff right on the money. She seems to have an understanding of the illusion of death. Our one true being emerging, I like that... Kinda. I don't know I think we may have a lot of problems to sort out and higher forms of evolution to attain before we can be anywhere near our one true being. Everything else is one, though, I don't like that... And I am not so sure about what you are doing with these gates. And I do not think this will come to an end by November 11th, 2011. Solara, I think you got stuck on ones... I'm sorry, I suppose it is the kind of behaviour we come to accept from a crazy psychic.
George Barnard with his Midwayers
. He's a loon! His site is for Christians and recovering Christians still yet to tidy out a few of their old belief systems, which is an interesting demographic... Yes, however, they are pranksters... There is no they but they are pranksters. And yes it causes shorts in the lights... There were a lot of dead street and traffic lights on my bike rides to work when I was struggling with crippling insanity.
may be overcomplicating things a little. This person did what I did... Went crazy trying to decode the pattern. He did it better than I did, however. I suck at math. I do not believe there is a pattern to decode.
You want to know what it means? It simply means you're special, God likes you, and you may have some sort of special role to play in bringing us into the future, however small and insignificant it may be.
Love the Lord Thy God With all Thy Heart, and With All Thy Soul, and With All Thy Mind, and With All Thy Strength > Qi
Qi is the name we give to the emotional wave vibrations of the universe. Qi is visible, and somewhat malleable, in the metaphysical realm. The dreamy, psychedelic realm outside of time (sortof) occupied by personality projections. The astral plane.
In the astral plane, we are all connected. This explains phenomena such as telepathy and spiritual healing... Like the ayahuasca shamans removing tumors. The astral plane is woven into the physical plane. The wave vibrations of the universe will make street lights flicker as you walk beneath them and turn lights green as you come up to them. Through learning to manipulate these wave vibrations we can achieve feats such as telekinesis.
Yes, these vibrations are quite malleable. Pray for a speedy recovery and there is a good chance you will get better. If you wish real hard on something it might just come true. If you're a good person. Put your thoughts in a little bubble and release it to the Universe and you may very well get what you deserve.
Qi is the "air", or the "breath" of life... The emotional vibrations of the universe... The pattern itself... God.
Disconnection Notice > They Are a Product of Satan!
As you may very well know already, there are a number of psychedelic compounds that were used by ancient societies for spiritual purposes...
The Native Americans had peyote and salvia divinorum, which they used for spirit quests.
The Mayans had psilocybin. And when the Spanish conquistadors came over and took the mushrooms they all bad tripped... They were bombarded with images of war and other such horrific events. They declared these mushrooms the work of the devil. Then they looked at the Mayans like a bunch of savages who have been seduced by Satan for ever liking this strange, evil fungus.
The Amazonian shamans have ayahuasca, which is a magic potion containing a DMT producing plant and an MAOI inhibitor in order to make it orally active, among other compounds. These shamans used ayahuasca to cure a number of psychospiritual and even physical disorders. Such as removing tumors. Yes, we have had a cure for cancer all along and I am never going to shut up about it.
We also have iboga, which is used by central African tribes who are practitioners of the Bwiti religion. They used it during coming of age rituals. Ibogaine can also be used to treat opiate addiction, however it invokes a powerful altered state of consciousness so it is obviously a danger to our society and it should be made illegal. There are plenty of addicts who wish to get off the heroin but society won't let them because ibogaine was another one of those things put on this Earth by the devil.
And then we have, believe it or not, the original Christians, the Gnostics, in their mystery schools, drinking ergot wine in order to achieve inner spiritual growth. Ergot is a fungus that grows on rye. It contains the precursor to LSD, which, now that we have the know-how, should be isolated from the ergot else your limbs may go gangrene and fall off. Yes, Christians. This was long before they ever figured out there was a devil who placed these chemicals here in order to lure you into his kingdom of hell.
These chemicals were put here for a reason. And once upon a time we knew the reason, however we seem to have forgotten. We have forgotten that we are a part of nature and we should trust just about anything natural to be good for us. So long as it isn't one of the poisons... Which were also put on this earth for a reason. And... No, these are not poisons, the psilocybin experience is not food poisoning, you idiot. What you are having is a psychedelic experience produced by the psychedelic chemicals you have ingested, you idiot.
The Christian war mongers didn't like what they saw so they declared psychedelics the work of the devil. Whether or not you are a Christian, if you think drugs r' bad you are still occupying the mindset produced by Christianity.
Disconnection Notice > The Process of Attaining Enlightenment...
Before you can truly maximize the potential for a successful introspective trip, you must master the art of meditation. Previously I had said "Ideally, one would find this state of being through a lifetime of regular meditation" but what I should have said was ideally you would utilize both. However, meditation comes first. You can not get as far during an introspective trip without mastering meditation. You are more likely to achieve enlightenment through meditation ritual alone than you are through use of psychedelics alone.
I am about to classify six distinct levels of enlightenment... People can naturally occupy the first three. Through deep introspection you can elevate yourself until you eventually achieve what is often called "Seeing infinity in a grain of sand."
Level ones are completely incapable of looking into the self. They are often dull witted, and essentially focused primarily on the survival of themselves and the people they care about, drinking, and sports games. It is rare to see anybody who occupies this level practicing any thought patterns that does not relate to one of the above three concepts.
Level twos are typically capable of looking into the self and understanding their social position and the way they are perceived by others to a certain extent. They are not necessarily capable of fully understanding the logic behind the reason.
Level threes are highly self-aware, they are the type to hyper analyze their every thought pattern and action. They are naturally reasonable people who have deliberately chosen to think the way they do. These are the people we may consider naturally smart. Naturally gifted.
If you naturally reside in level two or three, you are capable of elevating your level through deep introspection... In particular deep introspection utilizing methods such as meditation and use of psychedelics. If you naturally reside in level... Let's call it one and a half, you can likely attain up to level four, but it would take a lot of work. If you naturally reside in level two, you can quite easily achieve up to level four. If you naturally reside in level three you are capable of achieving level five and beyond...
Level fours are hyper aware of themselves, their inner desires, and they are 100% true to their spirit. They understand their every subconscious impulse. They know who they are and they know why they are this person. They are self-confident, they know what they project and they know it is the best of themselves they can possibly be. They don't let other people think for them as they are confident in their ability to see the logic behind the reason. Their own personal brand of logic. People who reside in level four are their divine selves awakened. They are an example of perfection. They are illuminated.
Level fives are essentially saints. They are deeply in touch with themselves, their fate, their position in life, and their relation to other people. They understand that the only thing that is real is love. They touch just about everyone they meet and by the time they leave the room just about everyone is glowing.
People who reside in level six are as in tune with their nature as they can possibly be. They are full of love. They are pure. There is no longer anything even remotely resembling a filter left in their mind. Their logic is the logic. They are impenetrable to delusion. They see everything the way it is. They see infinity in a grain of sand. They are the universe speaking for us.
I have a theory about level ones, perhaps even the level twos, and the process of evolution... There's a bit of a problem. And the solution to this problem is eugenics. Enlightenment is unattainable to very many people. If we are to embrace future perfection beyond the first cycle, these people should not be allowed to procreate. We will have to do it slowly.
Expand Your Miiind... > Tryptamine I: Magic Mushrooms
Magic mushrooms contain psilocybin and psilocin. Once ingested, psilocybin is converted into psilocin as it metabolizes. Magic Mushrooms are a tryptamine-based psychedelic. There are a number of different strains of Magic Mushroom but the difference is negligible. Psilocybin content, basically.
Magic mushrooms have a more dreamy aspect to them than their brother LSD... You are more immersed in the psychedelic realm and more willing to let go and get lost. Some people can find this to be more threatening, some find it easier to get along with. The mindset is more simplistic... Almost childlike. Everything looks more flowy... Warbly... Soft and warm.
While under the influence of a tryptamine, you are given a much clearer depth of reason... Which at higher doses can consist of pure realism thrown right in your face. It can be difficult to bare.
Expand Your Miiind... > Tryptamine II: Acid
Acid is LSD, or Lysergic acid diethylamide. LSD is partially synthetic... It was first extracted from ergot, the fungus used by Gnostic Christians to attain inner spiritual growth, by Dr. Albert Hofmann. LSD is a tryptamine-based psychedelic. It is often sold in the form of blotter paper, and sometimes with other lysergamides such as ALD-52 or research chemicals such as Bromo-DragonFLY, which isn't even a tryptamine, as opposed to LSD. If one is lucky, one may come across lysergic acid diethylamide in the form of pure liquid.
With LSD I find you're a little more lucid than with magic mushrooms. Your head is... In the sky. In the stars. Everything is bright and glowing. Your thought patterns become more complex... It is quite stimulating. In fact come down can get quite jittery. Nothing some kratom or diazepam won't cure...
As with other tryptamines, your mind filter has been given a much clearer touch of reason. It is considerably less clouded. Which doesn't mean you can't reason yourself right into a delirium.
I want to quote my friend, the trip masta': "with mushrooms you see it, with acid it sees you."
The Walls Are Caving In > Level One and Two Drones are Set to We Love the Government, Part One
There is a certain personality type who searches for conspiracy theories... Resourceful, intelligent and often arrogant people, a particularly irritating subsection of the already highly irritating educated liberal elite... And then there is a certain personality type who goes all the way, all the way to drowned in lies and corruption and the system is buggin' me out. They are often paranoid schizo rambling lunatics.
So people just go "Stupid liberal's been brainwashed by all of this information" or "Listen' to this raving lunatic go... All I'm hearin' is rant rant government rant rant anal probing." or "Oh he's talkin' about smart person stuff I'm not so interested in smart person stuff..."
This raving lunatic is a paranoid wreck for a reason. Listen to him. He knows enough to see how the government is out to get him. He may say something about shape-shifting reptilians but don't take it seriously he's a nut.
(I am not a shape-shifting reptilian, I swear it.)
However... Don't just put up the nut filter. I guess, what I gather, is the majority of people think and receive information through a variety of vague, all-encompassing filters. They don't bother thinking about the information that is given, that would be too difficult, they just take it as either true or false based on the credibility of the speaker. Now, at the moment, pretty much everybody's filter is naturally set to "Don't take the conspiracy nut seriously believe in the government we love the government." and the poor militant conspiracy theorist has no choice but to have a schizophrenic breakdown.
The Walls Are Caving In > Level One and Two Drones are Set to We Love the Government, Part Two
We have all seen a mass demonstration of this thought process take place with such New World Order feats of mockery as "TV equals true. TV says George Bush wins. George Bush wins equals true." Just need to put up the wall of "Any differing opinion makes you into a crazy conspiracy theorist. You believe in the government."
There's a conspiracy to keep you stupid, I'm sure of it, I think it's pretty obvious... The republicans are clearly trying to manipulate information at every little turn. And there is no reason to do that if your message speaks for itself and you aren't being some sort of conniving jerk-off. I may even happen to think this conspiracy to keep you stupid involves your poor school systems but I won't get into it...
You're stupid. You don't know what anything means.
I was just watching CNN and John McCain, relating to Hilary Clinton's visit to China, says something like: "She says we're not going to talk about human rights. I think we should always talk about human rights." And I'm all like... I think that misses the point. By not discussing them they are making a statement. Essentially that if they were to discuss human rights violations it would likely become too dominant a point in the conversation. And John McCain would be all like... Well... Well I guess... It's just... It's just... I figured I could make a few people go like "Yeah! Duuhh!! The Democrats are in bed with China! They don't care about human rights violations! Dywahh... Daaaahh..."
Yes, yes John McCain... China is evil... Everybody knows China is evil. You guys aren't so pure and just yourselves. Certainly more pure and just but you're clearly very evil. China is a little bit more obvious with their evil... You guys are conniving. You have justice on your side, I'll give you that... Mostly. Pretty much. Moreso than them. But I have a feeling you're stuck in the mindset that we are pure and Christian and we should fix them hate the gooks hate the gooks hate the gooks get away from me with that thing get away GET AWAYAAHH!!!! You are not in the position to go over there and enlighten the barbarians like you are in the middle east, just save it. Just save it you can't do it. You can't jump down every country's throat like obnoxious rednecks, it's going to fuck us over. It would be nice, but these people have a lot of money and there seems to be a bit of a money problem thanks to the last team of rednecks.
It's just a friendly visit, you redneck. Don't you have any idea how to speak to people? Any discussion of human rights would be "Oh by the way China!! I don't like one or two things about the way you run your country..." It's a given, you uncouth redneck, we don't need it. Don't worry uncouth redneck personality type I like ya'.
But if you were a good country-music-listening-9/11-remembering evangelical, you know the correct thing to do would obviously have been "Oh by the way China!! I don't like one or two things about the way you run your country..." and these evil democrats aren't properly labeling the Chineses as evil they're clearly evil I mean look at pearl harbor they're clearly taking sides with evil they're clearly evil.
So we put this in the brain with the democrats equals evils and now I believe we can safely say baby-killing marriage destroying drug addicts who hail Satan Barack Obama is the Antichrist equals true.
All you need to do is manipulate the words and reality can be whatever you want it to be. Millions of drones think you're a reputable source.
Society > You're all so Vile. You Disgust Me.
I hate this veil of let's be polite. Let's be plastic. I hate it so bad. Be polite and don't swear. I especially hate old people with the "should be polite" filter.
What is it with people who call black people African Americans and natives Aboriginals in situations that aren't formal and on official documents. And why are they African Americans? Are white people European Americans? The polite thing to do, would be to call them African Americans and attempt to make black people conversation while hoping you don't offend him or he might pull a gun on you. Vile idiots.
It's more polite to keep secrets and sometimes tell secrets about a person behind their back and let them float around through life in this dream world where they're a cool person and everybody likes them, looking like an idiot, than it is to tell the poor idiot straight up. "I didn't want to hurt your feelings" they say. And the proper response is "Thank you." Horrible.
If you think of two possible explanations, one of which is the very obvious answer this guys a douche bag, the other one is a somewhat unreasonable give him some credit, and you're leaning towards the first one... Most idiots will just fly off into something like "So I guess it's the somewhat unreasonable give him some credit or something, eh?" Rather than just bluntly ask "Why'd you do that?" While they're thinking "He would just use that as an excuse to get out of it, the douche" before the guy's even answered. Not really... He's thinking "He knows what I'm saying but I'm not going to say it because I'm just too fucking polite. I'm such a great person. Not a passive aggressive dickweasel, no never."
I'm so fucking polite everybody else is so impolite. This bike rider thinks he's polite thinks he's going to stop for me? I'll show him who's fucking polite I'll just fucking stop for him so everybody has to fucking wait and watch him fucking start up again I'm so fucking polite he thinks he's polite I say I'm polite."
Yeah yeah locked into rules of the road... I already stopped you nitwit. I stopped way back. This is one of those situations where you're supposed to look outside of the thing society put in your brain. It makes more sense to hold up traffic, does it? If you're this dumb we can't blame you we blame the rules... So, what we have, is the rules have created a traffic cluster fuck where everything is running inefficiently.
The Walls Are Caving In > Hate the Lies... The Lies and the Secrets...
It's so easy to lie to you people, you people are so childish... "But the government said it so I know it's true if the government lied to me I would be sad..."
They know how childish you are. So they tell you lies that are very simple. Very precise and simple. And obvious. And you go "Well okay..."
Not only are they lying, but they are quite clearly mocking you... Look at FOX News. Look at how obviously they pull the fabric over your eyes. So they're keeping you stupid in order to brainwash you and slip by under the radar. That's bad enough. But then they go and make fun of you and laugh and spread secrets behind your backs... Oh my God you guys are ruthless I love it.
Society > Christianity is Stunting our Progress
People who blame society for putting crack hookers out on the street aren't looking at society as a collection of individuals, so much as they are looking at society as an unconscious organism, which it is, but ignoring the fact that it is also a collection of individuals. Now, unfortunately, most of these people are liberals.
They say we must be kind and caring to this subsection of society. We must support it... Rather than the republican mindset of calling them worthless heathens who should succumb to natural selection. We have the left-wing economics going with the libertarian social politics and the right-wing economics going with the authoritarian social politics. Liberals wish to remove the restrictive social rules and put in place restrictive economics. Conservatives wish to restrict you with rules and then not even bother taking care of you. It's all backwards you're all backwards.
All of this gets bunched together with "Liberal" and any libertarian/anarchist or communist/authoritarian socialist is screwed.
Conservatives are essentially stuck in "old timey" and at the moment "old timey" consists of both Capitalism and Christianity. So we have Christianity coming in and interrupting logical government systems.
If the republicans were to look at society more as a collection of individuals that need to fend for themselves and the democrats as more of a collective organism that needs to be cared for and social politics were no longer an issue, I think we would be set.
Society > You Don't Even Know How to Fucking Speak
Wouldn't it be nice if everybody understood everybody else because everybody was smart?
How is it possible for people to say things such as "No you didn't, you said..." like the point is relevant to the overall argument and they can use a technicality on words to defeat their opponent? Why would a politician make a claim as to what another politician is saying if the other politician can easily just defeat it with "No, actually... I said..." Or do these politicians actually believe the words that are coming out of their mouth? Don't they have a team that analyzes these things? Why do they just let him go and run his big stupid mouth? Are they deliberately attempting to attract the stupids? Are they making it quite painfully obvious they think you're stupid and they can pull one past you?
Rant and rant and rant about the fagots and the niggers but if somebody says the f-word they're being crude and offensive. I mean the word is pretty much meaningless and it adds a lot of intention to the sentence. You don't need to put up this emotional barrier over the use of a word. You're just adorable.
I don't know why nobody in our society knows how to fucking speak. Some of you seem to believe words are the only relevant portion of the communication, others seem to believe words are completely meaningless and you can say whatever you want so long as the receiver can interpret what you're saying. Do we really need somebody to outline how to properly communicate? I mean come on we've been doing this for so long how come nobody knows how to speak.
It's "couldn't care less" for the record. "Couldn't care less."
Love the Lord Thy God With all Thy Heart, and With All Thy Soul, and With All Thy Mind, and With All Thy Strength > Death Fetish
I have a death fetish. I can't get off to much else. I really want to be raped and murdered by a sexy assassin who may or may not have razor blades in her possession. I first noticed this when I was too young to know what sex is. I was two... I was in my crib playing with some sort of mini transformer robot fantasizing about the transformer robot crushing a city. I thought to myself "What if it crushed me?" and it filled me with warmth like I've never experienced. I eventually came to the idea that I may have been possessed by a demon or something and I should probably keep this to myself.
You have a death fetish too, or at least a fixation, not everybody necessarily took it to fetish, but you may not know it yet. Depends how young and with how much intensity you phased it. And then there are a lot of people who simply never noticed.
It's okay. You're normal.
I remember once I was reading an article about all the weird fetishes you find on the internet, and this person found somebody talking about his death fetish and he was like "WHAT!? How could somebody possibly have a fetish for BEING KILLED? Freak." like it was the most outrageous fetish in the article and I was like oh shit god damn I'm a lunatic. There isn't enough good death porn on the internet... Which is strange...
After enough research it has come to my attention that everybody has a repressed death fetish. Or at least a repressed fixation on death. That's right everybody. The masculine lover wishes to be killed by his lover and the feminine lover wishes to kill her lover. And everybody represses it because they think they're weird. Everybody has a secret they're not telling anybody and they're all very frightened of themselves. Okay not everybody... Most people aren't even aware they have a secret.
I was talking with my soul mate about hardcore BDSM... I eventually told her I really really want to be killed by my lover, and she says that's interesting she really really wants to kill her lover and kill herself. This really got me thinking... Later on I was talking to a friend, and he said the same thing... He wants to be killed by his lover. I asked a few more people... It's a bit of an awkward conversation, but I am on a mission. People who said they didn't have it tried masturbating to it and got back to me and said you're right it's great. I eventually came to the conclusion that yes, everybody has a death fetish in some form or another. Some people are less into it than others, obviously... They repressed it younger and didn't have quite as many emotional issues that may lead to preferring to be tied up, raped and beaten by one's lover before she kills them. Or, again, they never noticed.
What the death fetish means, is that we are programmed from birth to be fixated with death. We are all programmed to become sexually attracted to death. It is very mysterious. What it suggests, to me, is that there is undoubtedly life after death... We are being given a sign... We are being instructed to fixate on the concept.
Love the Lord Thy God With all Thy Heart, and With All Thy Soul, and With All Thy Mind, and With All Thy Strength > The Afterlife
Death is an illusion.
It can't all end after this, it just can't. Why would God only give you one single stay on this beautiful planet to decide your fate for an eternity? Why would God have created such an imperfect system?
If one has experienced enough synchronicity in one's life, one can logically deduce past life karma. The fact that the synchronicity community believes primarily in reincarnation pretty much speaks for itself. Most, if not all, psychics believe in reincarnation. Because when looking at karma systems it becomes painfully obvious.
I have more reasons... We'll get to them eventually.
Don't worry, we're here forever.
Love the Lord Thy God With all Thy Heart, and With All Thy Soul, and With All Thy Mind, and With All Thy Strength > Ghosts
You ever walk into a room and everything is just eerie and chilling? I have a theory that says it is not a ghost...
I think it is just an unconscious projection. Something very emotional and chilling happened when the soul left their body and it was powerful enough to leave a mark. It got etched into the astral plane. Something like what the DMT Elves and Lady Salvia have done with their drugs, only considerably less sophisticated. There can not still be a conscious being hanging around creating waves... I mean it doesn't even have a brain, it can't set it's will to doing anything, it can't even experience anything, it exists only outside of time and space... There is no chance it is still consciously and deliberately creating waves.
I do not believe there is any reason for a spark of consciousness to occupy a space on this plane. It does not make any sense that it would just get stuck somewhere. I believe it vanishes from this plane, and it is on to another until it embraces it's next life.
Expand Your Miiind... > Phenethylamine II: Mescaline
Mescaline is a natural psychedelic phenethylamine. It is the primary active chemical in psychoactive cacti such as peyote, san pedro and peruvian torch. Like many other plants, it was used by the native peoples of North America in religious tradition. The best place to find mescaline is in peyote buttons or tabs of synthetic mescaline. These are the best options because eating an entire cactus can be quite difficult. If all you have is a full cactus you'd best render it down before ingesting it.
Though it can become frightening in higher doses, mescaline is generally easier to handle than tryptamine based psychedelics. If what you're looking for is a good time, a low dose of mescaline is better suited to your use than tryptamine based psychedelics. However it can be a very introspective experience, it keeps you rather calm and contemplative.
Like other phenethylamines it draws you closer to your nature. Your divine inner self awakened.
Expand Your Miiind... > Phenethylamine III: 2Cs
The 2Cs are synthetic phenethylamines first synthesized by Dr. Alexander Shulgin. There are a number of 2Cs: 2C-B or nexus, 2C-T-7 or blue mystic, 2C-T-2, 2C-I and 2C-E are the most popular. The 2Cs are to mescaline what LSD is to magic mushrooms. Like the rest of the phenethylamine family, 2Cs are euphoric and empathogenic. 2C-B and 2C-T-7 can be difficult to come by on the street, though other 2Cs are relatively simple to find online on "research chemical" websites.
2Cs are like a psychedelic ecstasy. Many claim it is like candyflipping, or LSD and ecstasy. The empathogenic effects are lesser and the euphoric effects are as great if not greater. They also have a slight stimulating quality to them. Like mescaline, the 2Cs are softer, or easier to get along with than tryptamine-based psychedelics. Under the influence of most 2Cs, save for 2C-E, introspection is easier to handle. You are blissfully calm and apathetic.
Blissful apathy makes the 2Cs one of the best possible drugs for introspection if you happen to be a pussy.
Revolt! Rise Up! Castrate! > Thou ist Drunk and Stupid
So God has given unto us this beautiful planet, and all of it's treasures, so it is for us to embrace. Embrace your political freedoms! Embrace your right to life! Thou ist meant to live and be free. Thou hast been given this beautiful planet, and it is being taken right from thine hands and thou ist being made numb to it. Brainwashed and zombified!
You should buy an SUV to show off how much you don't care about gas money. You should buy alcohol like it's the only option you have. You should get the platinum card like the debt just disappears into tomorrow. Migrate to the suburbs like it's your mission agenda. Follow the stock market like your money is in the right hands. Wear your fucking seat belt like it's somebody else's problem.
Not that I care about gas money, SUVs are cool. Not worth selling your soul but cool. Not that I don't enjoy the occasional drink. The occasional daily drink. Not that I wouldn't love a platinum card. I'd ring it to the limit and they would have to collect from my last will and testament. Just for no reason. Suburbs can be pretty. I guess. Sometimes. Putting your money in the stock market is smart. Not that it isn't a good idea to wear your seat belt, but it's the law. It's the fucking law because you're too stupid to protect your own safety.
But they forced the SUV down your throat in order to suck you for gas money. They gave you the credit card in order to make you an indebted slave. They gave you alcohol to get you to go numb and shut up. It's the only legal intoxicant. Take LSD and save your life, take alcohol and drive your metaphorical SUV into the metaphorical ditch.
We give up our life and our livelihood for this society and in exchange we are told how to think, we are told how to feel, we are told what to do. What if you don't want to be a part of this society? What if you want to fend for yourself and do whatever you want? What if you want to live on a ranch with your guns and your grow operation and leave everybody else the hell alone? Well you can go fuck yourself. Why is it any of society's business anyway? Why do the rules forbid you from doing whatever you want so long as you're not harming anybody else?
So God has given unto us this beautiful planet and all of it's treasures, so we shall embrace!
So we shall embrace!!
Society > The Chosen Culture
We, the west, are clearly the chosen culture. Look how loudly we just chose us.
Muslims. Yeah, you guys got it right... You guys with all the poverty and the camel fucking. Certainly you're the ultimate race in the universe destined for greatness. It's clearly your religion. You did a very pretty desert people culture with a pretty religion but I'm afraid your's isn't the one true culture with the one true religion.
I wish I could give it to the east. You guys are clearly smarter. I mean you pretty much figured it out. You're smarter but we're slightly prettier so we get to keep our position. Mostly.
Revolt! Rise Up! Castrate!* > Thy Life of Sin is Coming to an End!
So God has given unto us this beautiful planet, and all of it's treasures, so it is for us to embrace. Embrace your political freedoms! Embrace your right to life! Thou ist meant to live and be free. Thou hast been given this beautiful planet, and it is being taken right from thine hands and thou ist being made numb to it. Brainwashed and zombified!
The thing we have to thank for everything being stripped from us is, primarily, Christianity. Christianity has taught us that we are disconnected from nature. We are above it. Nature was put here by the devil. That drive to pleasure yourself, the desire to be happy... It was put there by the devil. The devil wants for you to follow your nature right into his pit of hell where he can sit there and watch you be tortured for an eternity because he is just the ultimate representation of evil.
We have formed this concept of evil due to a nervous tweak reaction of "OH GOD I'M SCARED!" It's stupid. It represents an inability to carefully analyze the situation. We have since moved past this line of thinking. This line of thinking is obsolete.
This line of thinking has driven you into this terrible place full of demons. What lies beyond the city limits is this dank, spooky, terrible place full of soulless beats and devil witchcraft.
You have forsaken God! You have turned your back on him and his beautiful creation!
I am here... We are here... To save you from your life of sin.
So God has given unto us this beautiful planet and all of it's treasures, so we shall embrace!
So we shall embrace!!
*A Disclaimer: You should probably ignore the title. It is simply for reasons of aesthetics. I am most certainly not inciting a rebellion. No never. I don't think you have a chance. You can not fight the system. It is impossible. What you should probably do is just give up and embrace hedonism. Just give up and shoot heroin. You can't do anything. You can't fight the system, man. You can't fight the system.